SAP
by jbarreto
Summary: After a fight in school lands Bella in a summer camp for "Youths with Emotional and Mental Instabilities," she is forced to face her demons while trying not to fall in love with the beautiful, but clumsy, mentor Edward. Hilarity ensues. AU/AH
1. Hindsight is 2020

**I do not own anything except the plotline.**

**This story (although a comedy) DOES contain sensitive subject material. This will include (but is not limited to): underage drug, tobacco and alcohol use; a variety of psychological issues like eating disorders, depression, and self injury; discussion of suicide / suicide attempts; and explicit sex.**

**You have been warned.**

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><p>Ever have one of those hindsight moments? You know, the ones where you look back at a decision you made and think "wow, that was a horrible idea"? I'm having one of those right now; standing on a scale in my underwear while a woman with a six pack lectures me about eating better, and about the completely innocent scab on my arm from falling up the steps into my cabin. Oh, yeah, about that. I sleep in a cabin now. As in, at summer camp.<p>

This will all make sense if we take a step back for a second. Like, to the moment where I decided coming here was somehow I good idea. The moment I have begun to refer to as the Fuck-Bella-What-Is-Your-Deal Moment.

Anyway, so it was May of my Junior year in high school, and I'd just turned seventeen, and I was walking into the cafeteria so I could eat breakfast with my boyfriend before homeroom. I took a peek in the little window on the door to make sure I looked okay; eyeliner wasn't messy, long brown hair wavy but tamed, and none of my clothes were inside out. Good to go.

I grabbed two bagels and some orange juice, and made my way over to the table Mike sat at with his friends. The second we made eye contact, I knew something was wrong. I played it cool, because seriously, who cries (like they want to) when their boyfriend gives them the 'I am so about to dump your ass' look. When I got to the table, I gave him his bagel and the orange juice (suddenly not very thirsty), and waited for him to get it over with.

"Look, Bells," he said, and then paused. He was giving me these puppy dog eyes, which would normally have worked. I mean, he had this curly blonde hair that would fall into his big blue eyes, and he always looked a little flushed, and happy, and innocent. So when he would round out the eyes and give me that wounded look, I usually would fall into little bitty pieces of Bella. It was pathetic. This time, though, I knew what his sad face was for. He didn't want to have to be the one to do this. Those eyes were saying to me "I'm going to look like an asshole if I dump you in front of my friends before homeroom. Please do it for me."

Well, tough shit. You can't dump me less than five hours after having sex with me (now I know why he rode his bike over to my house the night before. Dick.) and expect me to take the fall so you can save face. It didn't matter, though. Because just as he realized I wasn't going to throw him a bone, and he started in on an "I had so much fun with you, but I honestly don't see this working out for us. I really think we should take a break. Blah blah blah," a girl came up and sat down next to him. Well, okay, not just any girl. This girl was like my unwanted mini-me, and pretty much the laughing stock of all of my friends. Until that exact moment.

She was Jessica, and she was a year younger than me, and for as long as I could remember, tried to be me. I got a bobb haircut in 7th grade, she showed up the next week with the same one. I went through that whole "tomboy" phase my sophomore year (complete with JNCOs and Hurley hats) and what do you know, she suddenly took a great interest in all things "totally skater and awesome." By that point we both had the same hair styles, shoes, backpacks... I'd started to feel like she followed me around the mall when I went shopping. So I started going to thrift and vintage stores for my clothes. Then she did, too. I eventually began to ignore her, and up until that moment that morning, I had successfully ignored her for the better part of the school year. I had more important shit to worry about.

So, Jess sits down, gives Mike a freaking kiss on the cheek, and then takes a bite out of the bagel I gave him. I shit you not. Just chomped the fuck into that thing. I lost it. There was screaming, there was cursing, I might have physically assaulted one or both of them. By the time two of Mike's douchey friends (who the day before had been my friends as well) pulled me out of the melee I had created, Mike and Jess were both bleeding and checking each other's injuries. That only made me want to hit them more, but that view was getting smaller and smaller as I was being dragged to Principal Willer's office.

In retrospect, I might have overreacted a bit. He still should have broken up with me before beginning to date my pseudo twin, though.

Three hours later I was sitting in the back of my step mom's car, wondering how I was going to get myself out of this one. Apparently, when Mr. Willer discussed the situation privately with Mike and Jess, Mike thought it was a totally awesome idea to unleash all of my dirty little secrets. Let's just say I learned my lesson about secret telling after that situation. Now my dad, step mom, principal and guidance counselor all thought I was either crazy, suicidal, pathetic, or even worse, all three. I had to find a way to get everyone back to leaving me the hell alone.

I had two days of out of school suspension, which started promptly the moment my fist connected with Mike's face. I couldn't find it in me to feel badly about the suspension when I remembered how Mike and Jess looked when I was finished with them. Dad didn't feel the same way. So when I got home and Sue (that'd be my step mom) called dad to discuss the issue with him, he was less than displeased.

I was given two days to pick a course of "treatment" for my specific brand of crazy. I looked long and hard (almost an entire hour, anyway) at my options online. Which, let's be honest, really consisted of me brooding on my bed while listening to inappropriate music loudly (nothing freaks out Sue more than The Kinks), and surfing the web on my laptop. Potato, po-tah-to. Sue knocked on my door twice to tell me to call my mother, which was pointless, because she would probably have taken my side anyway. Renee was more of a free spirited, "live and learn" type of parent. Which is why she wasn't raising me.

So after looking at my options, I decided most of them absolutely sucked. Therapy? Hell no. I am not sitting on any couches and talking about my "feelings." I have my own methods for dealing with those, and just because no one else likes them, doesn't make them any less valid. Group therapy? Ugh. Even worse. Clinic? Live-in therapy. Medication? Yeah, no. And then, I found it. _Sap_. A camp of sorts for "youths with emotional or mental instabilities." You can choose to stay there for a few months, or all year, or whatever. This, I could do. Summer camp for the fucked up. That actually sounds pretty badass. Sitting on my bed, Mountain Goats blasting through my speakers, I closed my eyes and imagined a summer at Sap. I'd hang out with some crazies, maybe sneak into the woods that are always near those stupid camps and get high and drunk after the counselors went to bed, become friends with people who were more fucked up than me, get the hell away from Ozzy and Harriet. Perfect.

My dad (Charlie) decided that this was acceptable, and he and Sue signed me up for a "summer program" that ran from literally the first day of summer to the last day of summer. School ended June 8th, Sap started June 9th; Senior year started September 4th, Sap ended September 3rd. I should have been pissed about missing my whole summer... but then I realized, this would be the best summer ever. One without my parents. People don't even understand the restraint it has taken to not kill either of them, or my horrible siblings. I was actually excited.

Well, I was excited until June 9th, when I showed up to Sap and the first thing the "mentor" told me was, "go to building M3, change into a gown, and have a seat. I'll be with you in a few minutes."

"Oh, don't worry," I took a peek at her name tag, "Rosalie, my flight was fantastic. Actually, to be honest, I had a blast letting my ass go numb for six fucking hours so I could show up to a compound that smells like cow shit and be told to get naked and wait for Angelina Fucking Jolie to give me a check up and the once-over. While I'm at it, would you like me to find a way to physically remove what's left of the self esteem from my body so you could put it on a cutting board and chop it into little pieces while I watch?"

Rosalie waved to two other people who looked like they were also "mentors," threw her long blonde hair over her shoulder, and ushered me to the side so she could tower over me in private.

"Okay, you little shit," she said through her teeth, one hand gripping my shoulder tightly while she pointed vigorously with the other. "I've been awake for almost forty hours because I was stuck in the cabin with all of the freaks who are afraid of the dark, I have cramps so bad that I feel them in my teeth, and I'm to the point where I'd push a nun out of the way for a goddamn beer. On any other day, I'd pat you on the back and congratulate you for being hilarious. But right now... right now? I just need you to get your fucking ass to M3, quietly, and wait there for me so I can make sure you aren't bringing a gun or some shit in. Okay? Is that too much to ask? I promise that tomorrow, I'll be an entirely different person. But right now, if you don't move, I'm going to literally drag you there by your hair. Capice?"

How could I not smile in response to that? I nodded, and walked in the direction that all of the signs told me was the area with all of the M buildings.

I changed into the thin gown, placed my clothes on top of my two duffel bags, grabbed my cell phone out of my purse, and lounged in the room the woman outside told me was where Rosalie would meet me. After a surprisingly short amount of time I heard the door open, but ignored it and kept playing Angry Birds. (That shit is addictive. Do not judge me.) I probably should have been paying more attention to what was going in in the building around me, because one second I was alone in the room, and the next second I was staring at a guy in his underwear. No joke.

Not just "a guy," though. A super hot guy, with awesome messy bronze hair and intense green eyes and a six pack. It's so rare to see a set of those in person when they are accompanied by pecks and those awesome hip muscle things and rib muscle things. All dusted with blonde hair. When the guy doesn't look like a gross body builder. He was just lean and cut and awesome. So I did the first thing that came to mind when I realized I was basically wearing a giant piece of paper with arm holes. I screamed my head off.

Bronze boy's head snapped up so fast I thought his neck would break, and then he screamed just as loudly as me. (And, if I'm being honest, in almost as high of a pitch as me.) He threw his hands in front of his boxer-clad crotch and looked at me like I was a ghost, while he continued to scream his face off like a twelve year old girl. I couldn't help it; I laughed so hard that I was doubled over, clutching my side and fighting for air.

"Why are you laughing at me?" Bronze boy was now looking horrified, and grabbing his clothes off of the floor. He continued to yell as he tried to put on his jeans, "Who are you, and why are you in here? I was supposed to be getting a check up! Fuck!" He yelled the last word as he tried to get his leg into his pants, and instead kicked the crotch of his jeans, resulting in him falling flat on his ass, both legs up in the air. I couldn't help but laugh more when his balls clearly made an appearance through the leg hole of his boxers. I was too nice to point that out, though.

I stood up and walked over to him, until I was standing next to his chest and extended a hand above him.

"Hi. Name's Bella. Rosalie sent me here. Good ol' M3. I'm assuming that means Medical Building three? Anyway. Who the hell are you?"

He made a horrified face, and finished putting on his jeans while he was still on the floor, and then shot up into a standing position.

"I'm, ah, Edward?" He looked around frantically, as if searching for an escape route.

"Was that a question? Seriously, what is your deal?" His complexion kept getting more and more pale, and I was starting to think he was a "guest" here too. Until Rosalie walked in.

"Oh, come on, Edward! We had one deal, no sleeping with guests. What do you do the first day? Show the only one I like your pecks. I'm not above punching you in the balls, you know," Rosalie said, throwing his shirt at him, and pointing at the door aggressively. I liked her more every time she spoke.

After Bronze Boy / Edward ran out of the door with his tail between his legs while Rosalie rolled her eyes and the door shut behind him, we heard him speak from the other side.

"Sorry about that. I wasn't trying to... I meant to go to M4, and I ended up... well. I'm very sorry. I'm going to go drown in shame. It was nice to meet you, Bella."

I looked to Rosalie, who mouthed "don't respond," so I shrugged and sat back down on the awkward table thing they always have in rooms like this one, ignoring the crinkly sound of the paper under me. Once we heard the front door open and shut, Rosalie spoke up.

"Ignore Edward. He's an idiot. A loveable idiot, but an idiot nonetheless. We mostly keep him around because he's helpful, and we enjoy looking at him while he broods. He used to be a guest, too. Anyway," she waved her hand through the air as if clearing it of a fog, then pointed to her name tag. "As you discovered earlier, I'm Rosalie. I'm a mentor here, and this isn't an actual check up or anything, since I'm not a doctor. I mostly just need to see you out of the gown, to make sure there aren't any weapons taped to your body, weigh you, take your height, all of that stuff. Did you want another person present? That's an option."

I stared at her for a second, trying to comprehend everything she unloaded so quickly. After I recovered from the information overload, I was ready to form sentences like a normal person.

"Yeah, I don't need anyone else in here. Thanks, though. Before I forget, I was supposed to ask you if you got my information mailed from my school psychologist? Something about preliminary analysis or something. I have no idea." Sue gave me exactly two instructions before I got on the plane: don't get in trouble, and make sure they have your preliminary analysis from the school psychologist. We clearly have a strong relationship.

"Yep, I've got it in your file here, and we'll get to that in a minute. For now, though, I've just got to get your physical info, get a quick look at you. So, hop up on the scale over here for me," she said, and I realized how tired she looked. Her job had to suck. Living with crazy people all the time. I wondered if she ever got days off? Probably not often. Then I wondered – does this poor woman ever get laid? The chances of that, here, seemed even less likely.

After getting the stink eye for my weight, and a confirmation that I am indeed 5'3", I was told to take off my gown. Not awkward or anything, you know, when you're standing next to someone who should be a freaking model. I sucked it up and took off the gown, tossing it on the table like it was nothing. You know, like I take off my clothes in front of people that much more attractive than me all the time. Or in front of anyone other than a boyfriend, for that matter. If she saw through the act, she didn't say anything. She simply asked me to raise my hands above my head and spin in a circle slowly. She didn't even verbally judge my mismatched underwear.

"All right, your actual doctor will go over your file with you, probably today after dinner. I just need an explanation for the wounds on the ribs and the insides of your upper arms, and we'll be all done," Rosalie said, taking notes in the file that I assumed was mine.

"What do you think the explanation is for those? I got tickled by kittens," I said, quickly putting on my skirt and shirt. "Where do I go now?" I asked, ignoring the pointed look Rosalie was giving me. If I didn't like her, I'd have wanted to punch her.

"You'll be in cabin W5, it's on the west side of the campus. Just follow the signs, it'll be easy enough. If you need anything, come find me. We switch the cabins we watch, right now I'm in E7, but I think that the head mentor is getting sick of switching cabins, so we'll probably get assigned a permanent one... you don't care about any of this. Okay, yeah, so just go to W5 and someone there will tell you what to do. I'll be seeing you around, Bella."

After only getting lost twice, I found cabin W5. Walking in, I could not have been more underwhelmed. There were five or six beds on each side with drawers underneath, and what appeared to be a bathroom area in the back. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at how cliche the whole thing seemed – I could have sworn that one season of Bug Juice was filmed here.

I was the only one in the room, so I went to the closest empty bed, surprised by how many there were, and started putting my clothes away into the drawers underneath. Just as a pulled out a giant box of tampons, because Sue apparently thinks that when I get my period I lose 2 liters of blood, I heard footsteps on the porch. I turned to ask our mother hen or whatever the fuck they call them here where I should put them, when I saw Bronze Boy Edward talking to the largest man I had ever seen. I'm talking huge. He had to have been 6'6", built like an ox, with bright eyes and dark curly hair. And dimples. Why would a man that size need dimples? To swoon his prey before he eats it? For some reason I instantly disliked him. Ignoring him, though, I listened to BBE.

"I'm telling you, Em. She was beautiful. She was all surly, and long legs and brown hair. And when I ignored the lasers she was shooting out of them, her eyes were unbelievable. Although, I'm pretty sure she saw my balls, which isn't the best first impression," he said to Dimples, leaning against the door frame with his back to me. Dimples slyly looked at me, my horrified expression, and then looked back to BBE.

"Well, what're you gonna do when you see her again? I mean, you've gotta come up with a plan. You can't exactly show her your balls again, or be caught being your spaz-ass self." Dimples was beginning to look very pleased with himself. I didn't like where this was going.

"I don't know, man. This is your department. That's why I asked you." I ignored the fact that he sounded cute when frustrated. That wouldn't get me anywhere. Just when I was about to point out my presence, Dimples roughly pushed BBE into the cabin, pulled the door shut, and locked it. BBE still hadn't turned around yet, and started pounding on the door.

"This is the worst advice ever, dickwad!" He shouted while body checking the door.

"Look behind you, dildo," Dimples shouted from outside. "I'll give you an hour. Have fun."

Finally, BBE turned around, and instantly froze.

"How much of that did you hear?" He asked, going pale in the face and becoming terribly interested in the hem of his t-shirt.

"Enough," I said, not wanting to discuss what he said, but wanting him to know I heard it. (My head is a messy place, be happy you don't live there.)

"Spectacular," he mumbled to himself before sighing loudly. When he looked up, his mouth was open as if he was going to say something, but he snapped it shut and started at me in confusion for a moment.

"What's with all the tampons?"

Welcome to my life.


	2. Perms, Midgets and Cigarettes

**A/N **

I own nothing. It's all S. Meyer's. Enjoy.

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><p><em>"What's with all the tampons?"<em>

How was I supposed to answer that? I was so not prepared for that shit.

"My life would be a lot easier if we could ignore that these exist right now," I said while shoving the box under my pillow. I sat down on my new bed and stared at him, wondering where the situation was going. BBE was cute, but clearly insane, and I didn't need anymore crazy in my life.

"So, I know your wingman has allotted us an hour, but I'm not going to stop the... what was it? Lasers shooting out of my eyes?"

BBE (adorably) face-palmed himself, and I could see his cheeks get pink from between his fingers.

"Okay, I'll pretend you don't have a lifetime supply of tampons, if you ignore everything I said to Emmett," he said from behind his hand. That wasn't a bad deal. But I couldn't swoon over his bargaining and abs. _Backbone, Bella. Backbone._

"Yeah, whatever," I shrugged, hoping he stayed hidden behind his hand forever. "So, Rose said you aren't a guest?" He visibly relaxed at the conversation change, and looked around for a place to sit. Realizing there was nowhere other than beds, he sat on the edge of the bed next to mine, which was covered in so many stuffed animals I was starting to wonder if I wanted to sleep next to whoever it belonged to.

"I used to be when I was in high school," he said, picking up a pink giraffe and examining its strange fur. "After I finished my program I got my GED and begged the Hales to hire me. After some really embarrassing pleading they said yes, and voila, here I am. I'm in W6 now with Jasper, Rosalie's sister," he said, switching out the giraffe for a pig. "So what're you in for?"

"Apparently, when your boyfriend cheats on you, you aren't supposed to beat him up in the cafeteria. Who knew?" I could tell he knew I was only telling him a fraction of the truth, but we both ignored that giant elephant in the room.

We sat in silence for a while, and I tried to figure out why he'd been at Sap as guest. He didn't look too crazy. I mean, sure, he was kind of a spaz, and he didn't know how to put on pants under pressure, but he was in good shape and could form complete sentences. Maybe he was just really well medicated?

"So, what do you do here? Other than show unsuspecting minors your balls?"

Edward did that awkward fish-out-of-water mouth thing. I probably felt a little bad.

"I mostly just help out. Sometimes I help cook, I'm a cabin mentor, and I do the buddy system for people who need it, but no one ever really wants that so I don't do that often... Have you met your doctor yet?" By the time he was finished talking, I was saying the alphabet backward in my head. Not because I wasn't interested in what he was saying, but because I refused to form a crush on him. If I convinced myself that he was uninteresting, or a jerk, that'd be for the best.

"No, Rose said that I'd meet my Doctor tonight after dinner. All I've done so far is get weighed, and the whole strip down to the skivvies. Good times," I paused, not wanting to think about me in my underwear while I was that close to him. That could not end well.

"So what does dimples expect us to do in here? Because, to be honest, this is quickly devolving from just awkward straight to the land of uncomfortable. Can't we just James Bond it out of a window or something?" I was beginning to panic, because every time I blinked, I kept seeing him in his underwear. Under normal circumstances, I would have been able to handle that, but not when I was locked in a cabin with him that had several horizontal surfaces. Bad bad bad.

Edward cut into my crazy moment, standing up and heading to the back of the cabin.

"I'm pretty sure there's a back door behind the bathroom. Emmett isn't exactly a genius, it's probably unlocked. We could go get dinner, there's gotta be something left in the cafeteria," his voice echoed off of the communal shower walls. It was mildly unnerving. Without a better plan, I followed behind him.

When we got to the back door, that I never would have found on my own, we were happy to find it unlocked. Thankfully, dimples wasn't much of a planner.

Edward led me around the camp grounds, pointing out different places that I'd forget about by the time we got to the cafeteria. We passed very few people, which led me to wonder why I wasn't as heavily supervised as everyone else seemed to be. Maybe they knew I wasn't crazy enough to be here.

When we got to the cafeteria, there were a few people my age clearing the tables of plates, cups and trays. At a table in the back sat Dimples and a blonde guy with what looked like a bad perm, but I only saw him from behind, so it could have been a terrible perm. Edward told me to take a seat next to Dimples while he went to go get us something to eat from the back. It would have been sweet, you know, if I liked him. Which I didn't.

"Hey, that was fast!" Dimples shouted (does he have an inside voice?) when I sat down at the table. "I always pegged Eddie for a premature e-"

"Don't finish that sentence. And for the love of God, I am right next to you. Stop yelling," I looked over to the guy with the perm to assess the hair situation. Sadly for him, it looked like his hair might just naturally look that way. Poor shmuck needed to buzz that shit, it looked like pubes. "You know, they make stuff to make that not look like a merkin," I said while pointing at his hair.

Emmett found this to be hilarious, and laughed loudly enough to deafen my right ear while pounding a super-sized fist on the table. The blonde kid simply sighed, and held his hand out to me to shake.

"I ran out of product. I'm Jasper, nice to meet you. I mentor with Edward," he said, tilting his head to indicate Edward walking up behind me.

"Bella," I shook his hand, and then looked over to Edward, who had two trays practically overflowing with food. I was starting to think that maybe he had seen my files, or at least talked to Rosalie. Awesome.

Edward ate in silence, glaring at Emmett, while Jasper prattled on about his girlfriend, hair product, the tv show he watched last night, and pretty much anything else he could think of. I ate my apple first, and then proceeded to push around the food on my plate. Who could possibly eat that much chicken parm and pasta? It felt like he made the plate up for Andre the Giant. When I decided two pieces of penne was enough, and had chopped my chicken into very tiny pieces, I looked up because I felt like I was being watched. Edward, Emmett and Jasper were all staring at me like I was a lunatic. (Probably because I was in the summer camp version of a nut hut.)

"May I help you?" I asked, taking a swig of my water.

"Yeah, you could actually eat your food. We aren't stupid. Cutting up your food and eating it aren't the same thing." Emmett sounded down right angry. I knew I didn't like that guy.

"I don't need a meal this large to fuel me. I am less than half of your size. Feel free to eat what's left," I pushed my tray toward him and looked over to see Edward slowly shake his head at Emmett. I pretended not to see.

"All right, show me to Mr. Doctor man, Mentor. I wanna get this over with so I can go shower the flight off of me," I said to Edward as I stood up and threw out my empty water bottle.

After a quick wave goodbye to Tweetle Dee and Tweetle Perm, we were off toward the M buildings. The walk was uncomfortable, and the pregnant silence was stifling. We both pretended not to notice.

When we got to M1, Edward stopped at the door.

"So, Dr. Cullen's in there, he knows you're coming. He's a good guy, so try to be nicer to him than you are to... everyone else, okay?" I rolled my eyes at him, because honestly, I'm not even that mean. I'm simply honest.

"Okay, mom. I'll behave. Where do I go after this? I feel like this place is really unorganized."

"Just go back to your cabin, and your Mentors will tell you what to do from there. You'll probably be in the cabin for the rest of the night getting to know everyone. Have a good night, Bella," he said, looking like a kicked puppy, and then he walked back the way we came.

I decided instantly to not try to figure out what his deal was, and walked inside. When the door shut behind me, the man in the white coat turned around and I instantly thought I'd gone insane. Well, actually insane, not whatever insane I currently was at the time. While I was busy worrying about my sanity, my mouth decided to move without my permission.

"Oh my God. Is it a rule that you have to be hot to work in this place? This is fucking ridiculous. There has to be something in the water here, hones-" and that's when I realized my lips were moving, and I made sure they stopped. Dr. Cullen didn't seem to hear me, he simply smiled a perfect smile, and held out a hand to introduce himself to me. I made eye contact with his impeccably styled blonde hair so I didn't drool on our joined hands.

"Hello, you must be Isabella. My name is Dr. Cullen, it's wonderful to meet you. Please, come on back with me," he shook my hand once, then turned around and walked to the back room. I was thankful that there were absolutely zero gowns in sight. It looked nothing like the back room in M3. Where the first cabin I'd been in looked medicinal and disinfected, this one looked homey. The walls were a warm beige, the floors were carpeted, and there was a large couch against the far wall across from a wing-backed chair, with a desk on the opposite side of the room. It looked pleasant, which I found surprising.

"Okay, Isabella, have a seat over on the couch and we can get started," he spoke from behind my folder, and all I could see was his forehead and eyes as he quickly skimmed its contents.

"Bella, please," I said, taking Edwards advice and being nice to him. It helped that he was hiding behind the folder, though. Apparently, my way of dealing with attractive men was being mean to them. We all have our own issues.

"Of course, Bella. Now let's see here," he flipped a few pages, rolled his eyes, and then made a huffing noise as if he were annoyed. "Some counselors and psychologists drive me up a wall," he mumbled before throwing the folder onto the small table next to the chair and sat down.

"Okay, so your file seems to contain many guesses, and very little information. Perhaps you could help walk me through some of it, yeah?" He looked at me as if that wasn't a rhetorical question, so I nodded. "Fantastic. Okay, so you were initially analyzed because of an altercation at school. Could you tell me about that?" He grabbed a notebook and pen from the table, and began to take notes, while still keeping an impressive amount of eye contact. This guy was good.

"My boyfriend dumped me for a girl I didn't like, so I punched him. And her." I paused, trying to decide how to say what I was thinking. Then I remembered that this guy probably deals with lunatics constantly, so I just told him the truth. "Okay, honestly. We'd had sex like, less than six hours before, then he dumped me in front of everyone we knew, while a girl who desperately wants to be me kept kissing him. Can you really blame me?"

To my absolute delight and surprise, Dr. Cullen laughed. Hard. Hard enough that he had to wipe an errant tear that escaped one of his perfect blue eyes. Not that I noticed how pretty they were or anything. Fuck.

After he recovered, he took a deep breath, made a few notes in his book, and then looked back up at me.

"While I think there are better ways the situation could have been handled, I could definitely understand your feelings behind your actions," he said with a warm smile. I liked him. "After that, said boyfriend revealed some information to your principal. Could you explain that for me?"

I sighed and leaned back into the couch, resting my head against the back and staring up at the ceiling.

"When you tell people secrets, they are supposed to keep them. He's such a dick," I mumbled to myself. Sighed. Looked back up. "Mike told my principal that I have an eating disorder and that I sometimes cut myself. But, honestly, it's not even an eating disorder. I don't throw up my food, I don't starve myself. I simply eat carefully, and I am picky about how much and how often I eat. I have three meals a day, every day. And I really think 'cutting myself' is a bit harsh, terminology wise," I said, and took a deep breath in, not realizing my whole diatribe had been one long, jumbled mess.

"What terminology would you use for it, Bella?" Dr. Cullen stayed calm and collected, making quick notations every once in a while, but for the most part just kept a calming eye contact with me.

"I would say that sometimes, if I'm feeling particularly perturbed, I might hurt myself a little. But I always take care of my cuts, and I never do it with the intent of suicide. Because suicide is for pussies."

Dr. Cullen chuckled, scribbled a few things down in his notebook, and then placed the book and pen in his lap.

"Okay, so tell me. Why do you think you are here, then, if you don't have any problems that need fixing?" He didn't sound pompous, or condescending. He mostly sounded as though he was interested in how I would answer his question. He confused me.

"I'm here because this seemed like a better option than anything else, and my dad made me pick something to fix me. So, ah, here I am." Sometimes I think that if I'm not being mean, my only other option is awkward.

"Do you think you need to be 'fixed'?"

"Do _you_?"

"Oh, you're going to be fun," he said with a genuine smile before making a quick note in his book and standing up. "All right, that's all we need to do today. I figure since it's Friday, you can be free of me for the rest of the weekend. Next week, though, I want to see you every day for lunch. How does 12:30 sound?"

"You want me to eat lunch here?" I did not like this idea. Was I being punished for being a smartass?

"You aren't in trouble, Bella," he said with a smile, "I just think that it would be a good idea if we had our sessions over lunch. That way, I don't have to eat with the other adults, and you get to prove to me that you eat well. Now, scoot. I'll see you Monday." And with that, he patted me on the shoulder and ushered me out of the room, and then out of the cabin, all while my head was still reeling. Man, he was good.

Once back to my cabin, I found that all of my belongings had been moved to the top of another bed on the other side of the room. A woman in her early thirties with warm caramel colored hair and an almost creepily maternal smile greeted me.

"Oh!" She said, sounding ridiculously excited. "You must be Isabella! Hello, my name is Esme, I'm the Mentor for M5 for the rest of the weekend. It is wonderful to meet you," she shook my hand so excitedly my teeth almost clanked together.

"It's just Bella, actually. Hey, uh, why is my stuff over there?" I pointed to the bed with all of my clothes neatly folded on top of the comforter.

"Oh, so sorry about that, dear. You see, the bed you originally chose actually belongs to another guest. She is working on trust issues, so she likes to hide her things. She's wonderfully nice, though. I'm sure you'll just love her!" She smiled while ushering me over to my new bed by a hand at the small of my back.

"You are one of seven girls in M5 this summer, and we are so excited to have you! The other girls are showering and getting ready for movie night! We decided we would have a good old fashioned sleepover so we could all get to know each other. So why don't you get all showered and ready for bed, and then meet us back in here?" She was so perky that I was pretty sure my eyes had started to bleed. Dear God, the woman is nice, but if she is my cabin mentor all summer, I will literally kill people.

I made a b-line for the first open shower, showered faster than I thought possible (while wearing flip flops), and was back to my bed within ten minutes. Clad in yoga pants and a tank top, I began to put my stuff away for the second time that day, while trying to look surly and unapproachable. Hopefully, if I continued to look mean, I'd be able to successfully avoid speaking to anyone before bed. Alas, the best laid plans...

"Hi!" The voice came so suddenly, and so loudly, from behind me that I whirled around with the intent to slap whoever it belonged to. However, when I turned around, I only saw pigtails in my line of vision. Very slowly, I let my eyes move down to the head connected to those tiny pig tails, and I almost laughed. Almost.

In front of me stood a girl who couldn't have been over 4'10", with bright pink eyeshadow, Hello Kitty pajamas and slippers... and smoking a cigarette. I liked her instantly.

"How did you get those in here?" I asked, pointing at what appeared to be a Marlboro Red. "They took mine," I told her as I practically drooled at the thought of taking it from her.

"Ah, crap, I was so excited to meet you, that I ran in here while I was still holding it! Quick, come with me," and before I could even blink, she was pulling me (with a surprising strength) toward the door. Once we were outside, she took a deep drag and blew it out slowly. "Whew. Esme would have killed me! So, anyway, I'm Alice. You must be Bella! It's so exciting to meet you!"

"Dial it back, Big, no need to be on high alert. I'm not going anywhere. Can I bum one of those?" I tilted my head to indicate her cigarette, and she quickly pulled out another and lit it for me.

"Thanks," I said around the smoke. "Nice to meet you. You the one who hides all of her shit?"

"Oh, no, that's Melanie," Alice said in a calmer voice, "she's nice, but freaks out if you touch her or anything she owns. I'm the one who sees the future," she said as if this was the most normal statement in the world. My response was a quirked eyebrow, followed by silence.

"Oh, woops! I keep forgetting," she said, slapping herself on the forehead so hard her pigtails bounced, "I'm the one who _thinks_ she can see the future, but really just possesses a keen ability to make educated guesses based on observation." She said the entire statement as if she were reading it from a teleprompter. I was half tempted to look behind me to check if there was one, but thought that might be rude. Instead, I made a 'continue' motion with my hand, waiting for her to explain what the fuck she was talking about.

"Dr. Cullen wants me to say that instead of telling people I can see the future. It's part of my program. So, what are you in for? Wait, no, let me guess!" She said with a big grin.

"Okay..." I stared at her. Wondering if I still liked her, or if I just wanted to punch her. Such a fine line...

"I'm going to say... eating disorder," she said as she pointed at me. "Oh! No, cutter. Definitely cutter." She paused again, tapping her chin. "Okay, okay. Both."

"And why do you think that?" I asked as I put out my cigarette.

"I can see, like, a dozen parallel, perfectly spaced cuts on your arm when you lift it to take a drag, and you are like... way too skinny. Don't you miss chocolate? I'd miss chocolate. Oh! And bacon. Have you had chocolate covered bacon? It's, like, the best thing ever." When I looked at her, I was surprised that she wasn't bouncing up and down like a kid after a handful of pixi sticks. I decided I liked her.

"Not really," I said with a shrug.

Before the conversation could continue, though, Esme popped her head outside.

"Okay, girls, we are about to decide between The Notebook and Ghosts of Girlfriends Past! Come on in! Oh," she said a little more quietly, with a hand on Alice's arm. "Please don't smoke in the cabin, dear. It isn't polite to the other girls."

Alice rolled her eyes and walked in, and I stopped Esme from following behind.

"Are those movies our only choices?" I asked, knowing I would not be able to watch either of those pieces of shit. I only had so much patience.

"Unfortunately, yes. But don't worry, I just want you to get introduced to everyone, then you and Alice can sit on the porch all night if you'd like and chain smoke until the cows come home."

I changed my mind. I could live with Esme, after all.

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><p><strong>Chapter End Notes<strong>

I promise, this will be humorous, not angsty. Really.

Reviews make me terribly happy.


	3. The Art of Surviving Female Bonding

**I own nothing, it's all S. Meyer's. See you at the bottom.**

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><p>I was only ten minutes into it, and I was starting to debate if the "getting introduced to everyone" part was worth the "chain smoke until the cows come home" part to follow.<p>

It started off well enough. I came in, they were all sitting in a circle, Alice and I sat down with Esme to complete the circle, blah blah blah. Then we had to "go around the circle and say our names and something interesting about ourselves." So, this _could_ have gone well, except that I was the only new person there, and I didn't give a shit what any of them had to say. I didn't want to know these people. I had made a friend, wasn't that good enough? Apparently not.

We started with the girl to Esme's right. She looked unassuming enough; neutral colored sweatpants and t-shirt, wet hair in a ponytail, nicely painted toenails. Then she spoke, and I instantly wanted to kill myself. Have you ever wondered what a female Ben Stein on Ketamine would sound like? Well, this was it.

"Yeah... My name is Lauren. I'm seventeen, and I, uhm, like to watch movies." By the time she was done speaking, I wanted to die. Then Alice leaned over and whispered in my ear.

"She is on so many drugs that she is always have asleep. I have no idea what is wrong with her, though. No one does."

I was so thankful for Alice's normalness at that moment, I could have cried. (_Are girls who think they can see the future normal?_ you ask. Why yes, yes they are, when compared to the people I was surrounded with.)

We went counterclockwise from Princess Enthusiasm to a girl who looked slightly uncomfortable, but mostly normal. Prettyish, long black hair, big green eyes. She heaved a weary sigh before speaking.

"Melanie. I like Marilyn Manson. Next." I immediately wanted her to be Friend #2 at Nut Hut Camp, even if she was the one who hid all of her shit.

"Let's try to stay pleasant here, girls. Let's not give our new Cabin Mate a poor first impression!" Esme said, with just as much pep as she said everything else. She then motioned for the next girl to go. A pretty but nondescript blonde, who was inexplicably wearing a generous amount of makeup and hair product for having already gotten ready for bed.

"My name is Tanya. I'm seventeen years old," she paused, and Alice whispered in my ear "she's sixteen."

"I like to ride my beautiful horse, Splendor."

"She doesn't have a horse."

"Oh! And I love going to my family's house in the Hamptons, especially when we can bring my cousin along, because she knows Lindsay Lohan," she ended with a very large smile, and a very high pitched giggle.

"Her family has one house, in Minnesota, and no one she has ever met knows Lindsay Lohan. Pathological liar."

I could feel Esme next to me suppressing a sigh as she waved to the next girl to go. This girl looked drunk. I have no other way to explain it. She clearly hadn't showered when everyone else did; her wavy blonde hair looked greasy and almost doubled the size of her head, she had yesterday's eyeliner down to her cheekbones, and her eyes were in a permanent state of half-blinking. I got the distinct impression that her role model in life was Ke$ha. Then she opened her mouth, and sounded completely normal.

"I'm Jen, I'm 18. I like high tops and Patron." Perhaps a high functioning alcoholic?

"Inappropriate, Jennifer," Esme chided sweetly, then motioned to the girl next to Alice.

"My name is Angela, I'm sixteen, I like Disney movies and chocolate ice cream."

"If you couldn't tell," Alice whispered into my ear, "she's the one with the stuffed animals."

"Ah, yes, I picked up on that one"

"Hi, I'm Alice, as you all know," she said to the whole group, without needing Esme's prompt. "I'm seventeen, I like to read cheesy romance novels and eat food that's really bad for me." She smiled brightly, and then turned to me. I tried to channel anyone who was good at public speaking. I got nothin',

"Uh, yeah. I'm Bella Swan, I'm seventeen, and I'm here for punching my boyfriend for being a cheating as-"

"-inine pig," she finished for me. "She doesn't get out much," she said as she patted the top of my head.

"Thanks," I mumbled so only she could hear. Next was Esme, who seemed genuinely excited about the prospect of sharing information about herself with the rest of us.

"I'm Esme Cullen, I'm thirty-four years old, and married to Dr. Cullen, whom some of you may know," she paused to smile around the circle at us. Life made a lot more sense at that moment. They were freakishly perfect for each other.

"Tell me you don't envy her. Try to tell me you don't fucking envy her," Alice whispered in my ear. "That's right, you can't."

"I've worked here since the Hales opened the camp in 2003, and I absolutely love my job! Although, it doesn't hurt that this is how I met the love of my life." My God, I loved and hated that woman at the same time. It was really quite annoying.

"All right," she said with a soft clap of her hands, "for those who want to watch a movie, we can pick between these two, and everyone else is free to hang around until lights out at eleven, just make sure to stay near the cabin and tell me what you're doing."

Alice waved her smokes at Esme, grabbed my hand, and pulled me out the front door. This action seemed the be reoccurring for her, but I didn't find it offensive since she was pretty awesome, and supplied me with nicotine.

After lighting us both cigarettes, Alice sat down on the top step and motioned for me to sit next to her. At that point, I'd have done anything she said; she had the only vice I knew of within a ten mile radius and I was surrounded by some pretty strange people.

"So, Bella, are you here for the summer program? I think I'll be done in September, I'm really excited," she said around a rather large puff of smoke. To be honest, I was impressed by how much smoke she could inhale into that bizarrely small body.

"Yeah, I'm just here for the summer thing. That's pretty cool that you might get out in September. When did you get here?" The conversation felt awkward for me, despite how cavalier she was about the whole thing. It just sort of felt like I was asking her how long she'd been in prison or something. It seemed uncouth.

"Oh, only two months. My parents made me try the whole therapy thing for years, but it never worked. They heard Dr. Cullen was the best, so here I am. I don't mind, though. The food's pretty good, and Jasper Hale goes swimming every morning during free time. There really isn't much to complain about, really." At the mention of the guy with the perm, I sort of wanted to throw up a little. Then I noticed the dreamy look on her face, and couldn't hold back.

"You are talking about the guy whose hair looks like pubes, right? What is with that? And who the hell calls it 'product' when they have a penis? It's sad, really." I stubbed my cigarette out and contemplated finding Jen for some of that Patron she's gotta be hiding. Did this place work like prison? Was I supposed to trade her something for the Patron? Did smoking Alice's cigarettes make me her bitch? I should have investigated these things before I committed to two whole cigarettes. Oh, well. Too late now. Plus, she seemed like she was into dudes, anyway.

"Ohmygod!" She squealed so loudly I'm pretty sure the paint was peeling off of the cabin. "You SPOKE to him? You actually, honest to God, spoke to Jasper Hale? What was it like? Was he nice to you? When did it happen? WHERE did it happen? Did he find out you were in my cabin and say something about me? We've never spoken to each other, but he's going to fall in love with me, and we're going to get married." She said all of this in about four seconds (guesstimate). And I got very scared, very fast. _Well, at least she didn't expect sex in exchange for the smokes._

"I met him when Edward took me to the cafeteria for dinner, because Emmett is a big fat idiot and locked us in the cabin. It's a long story. Jasper was nice, I guess? He didn't get mad when I said his hair looked like a pubic wig, anyway." I shrugged, and helped myself to another smoke from her pack. She was too high on knowledge of Jasper to notice, anyway.

"Isn't he so beautiful? Oh, I just can't wait until he finally realizes he loves me. I think it'll be soon," she said with finality, and one aggressive nod. I envied her self-assurance. She lit herself another cigarette, and then looked to me. "So, uh, why did Emmett lock you and Edward in our cabin? And how do you know them the first day? I barely know either of them, and I've been here for two months," she asked, sounding a strange combination of confused and jealous.

I tried to summarize the Edward underwear incident, including the balls (that was the best part as far as I was concerned), then the cabin, and Emmett, and dinner. Alice listened with rapt attention, especially when Jasper came up, and then stared at me for a moment. Well "at me" isn't exactly the right phrase. Through me? Either way, she went silent for about a minute, and then slowly smiled a creepy, knowing smile.

"I know something you don't know," she sing-songed at me. I would have hit her if I didn't think she was so adorable. I went with it.

"And what's that?"

"You and Edward are going to fall in love!" She seemed so excited by the prospect that I didn't want to crush her dreams. I did anyway.

"That's a quaint idea, but I think your super power is less future-seeing, and more of an obsession with people falling in love. Thoughts?"

"Well," she said calmly, as if we were talking about the weather, "I have thought about this before, and to be honest, I still think I see the future. I mean, three weeks ago, I saw myself meeting my new best friend, who had long dark hair and a bitter attitude. That came true, and it had nothing to do with love. I also saw the day my period was going to come last week, even though it was going to come early. Seeing people fall in love is just something that's going to happen a lot, too, I suppose."

This girl was insane. So insane that after this conversation, most people would not want to be her friend. Thankfully, I am not most people, and this conversation made me realize I wanted her to be my best friend forever. Yeah, that's right. I'm talking BFFs and rainbows and... whatever girls envision when they think of their best friend. (I was always horrible at those things.)

"Alice," I said to her as I finished my cigarette, "I think that you might be my favorite person of all time. Even if you think I'm going to end up with Bronze Boy. Which I'm not, by the way, because he has an overly hairy ballsack and doesn't know how to form polysyllabic words when he is nervous."

Alice laughed. I laughed. A friendship was formed. All in all, my first day at Nut Hut Summer Camp wasn't too bad. Maybe I wouldn't hate Sap after all.

At seven in the morning, I despised Nut Hut Summer Camp. NHSC and I were not friends before nine in the morning. It was physically impossible for that predicament to be changed. I was a horrible person between the hours of 4 and 9 AM, and NHSC required me to be awake at seven. SEVEN. Who gets up at seven before the age of eighty? Oh, I know, people who have a mental illness. Apparently, this included me. Even on a Saturday. Even on one of the days that I didn't need to visit my doctor, I was still a mental, because I needed to get up at seven fucking AM. I hated NHSC. I hated it.

I was too tired (hateful? cranky? immature?) to get a shower and get ready my first Saturday at Sap, so I had Alice braid my hair in some sideways fashion that she insisted looked nice, and I put a t-shirt on over my tank top and threw on some flip flops. My fashion sense was unparalleled.

Alice led me to the cafeteria amidst the hordes of people, and I tried not to grumble too much. That ended up not being too difficult, as looking back on it, I'm pretty sure I was still mostly asleep. She led me to the line with the food, where I promptly jumped to the end to grab some strawberries, an orange and coffee. Lots and lots of coffee. Alice didn't even judge me. Unfortunately, she was the only one.

As I turned, with two coffee cups balanced on top of each other between my left hand and chin, and my bowl of strawberries and orange in my right hand, I almost ran directly into Edward's chest.

"Ugh," I mumbled very carefully so as not to knock over my (very un-sturdy) Styrofoam cup stack. "It's too early in the morning for you. Come back in three hours." I walked around him and went to find the table Alice had managed to get to, already diving into a plate of food large enough to keep Emmett happy. Edward followed close behind. I think he had a death wish.

"Good morning, Bella! Would you like a bagel?" He placed a bagel on top of my orange, not even bothering to wait for my response.

"Ew. You're perky in the morning. Go away." I sat down next to Alice, and immediately downed one of my coffees. You'd be amazed at how quickly that shit kicks in. Caffeine and I had a special bond. It was beautiful, really.

"Of course I am!" He pulled the chair next to me out to sit in, and promptly tripped over the chair leg on his way to sitting down. Why did they let this kid out without supervision? He was a menace to himself. "How could I not be a morning person," he said, choosing to ignore his inability to sit with ease. "The weather is fantastic, I get to eat this delicious breakfast for free, and I don't have to do any chaperoning today," he took a large bite of scrambled eggs, and I tried desperately to ignore him. I failed.

Who looks that good in the morning? He was all chin stubble and and smiling eyes and "oh, hi, I can make a black t-shirt look badass just by wearing it." I was starting to hate him.

I chose to glare at him in response.

"That means I get the whole day to myself," he clarified for me, as if I hadn't picked up on it yet. When I still didn't respond, he changed tactics and went to Alice. "Good morning, Alice. How are you today? Has she spoken to you yet?" He'd have been cute, if I didn't want him dead.

"'Morning," she said around what appeared to be chewed bacon and toast. "So far she's only dictated that I do her hair. I tried to get an outfit change, but that clearly was a fruitless effort." She motioned to what I was wearing and sighed.

Edward gave me a once over that lasted entirely too long, and then shrugged as if he saw nothing wrong with what I was wearing. I chose to be a little nicer after that, but only a little. Before he could change my mind, Jasper and Emmett noticed us and came over to our table. Alice stopped moving mid-chew, with a tiny piece of crust sticking out of the corner of her mouth, as Jasper sat next to her, and Emmett took a seat between him and Edward. Waking up began to get easier when I realized I was getting breakfast _and_ a show.

"Morning, ladies!" Emmett said as he plopped two buttered pieces of toast onto my plate. I picked them up and dropped them on the floor.

Alice quickly wiped at her face to make sure there was no food on it, and then checked her hair in a manner that I'm sure she thought was subtle. When she started to fiddle with her clothes, I gently grabbed her hand in mine and gave her a look that said "stop freaking out, you look like a lunatic." She got the hint.

Somewhere during that interaction, Jasper took notice of the fact that Alice and I were at the table, and looked as if he sat up straighter. I did not fail to notice that he apparently found some "product" because, to be honest, his air actually looked pretty nice.

"Good morning," Jasper said directly to Alice, who politely replied and then gave me a pointed "I told you so" look.

"Jasper, Alice. Alice, Jasper. And go."

This earned me a glare from Alice, despite the fact that Jasper gave no indication that he'd heard anything after I said her name.

I finished the fruit on my plate, and took a small bite of the bagel to appease Edward, who actually said a quiet thank you to me when no one was looking.

"So, what are your plans for the day?" Edward asked me as he sat down after putting away his tray.

"I didn't really think I had a choice in the matter. Aren't these places supposed to have activities planned and shit? You know, trust exercises were we fall backwards and let people catch us?"

"On Saturdays and Sundays you get free time between breakfast and dinner so long as you aren't in trouble or on Grey Tem, which you are not. I checked," he said with a smirk. Someone that spazzy should not be able to smirk. It's unnerving. I ignored the uncomfortable rays of cute rolling off of him.

"There are teams? Is someone going to sit me down and explain this shit to me, or am I just supposed to figure it out? Honestly, the drive-thru at McDonald's is better organized than this place," I huffed and got up to put away my tray. Edward followed.

"There are three teams they separate guests into for housing and classes and stuff. Grey Team is high risk patients who need constant attention and supervision. Blues are borderline; they need to be within eye-shot of a mentor or doctor, but don't need to be babysat. You're on Yellow Team, which means you don't need to be near a mentor all the time, and you have limited freedom. Yellows are really just people who would be perfectly fine if they lived at home and got counseling a few times a week," he took a deep breath before he continued. "Enough boring crap. Since you don't have plans today, you're hanging out with me."

"I don't get a say in this?" I had intended for the question to come out bitter and somewhat menacing. In reality, it came out a bit frightened, probably because I was terrified of what more alone time with him would do to my psyche. While I waited for him to answer, I started a little mantra in my head.

_I will not fall for Edward. I will not fall for Edward._ I had considered running to a bathroom and saying it aloud to myself in the mirror, but decided I wasn't at that level yet.

"Stop being a baby. It'll be fun!" Before I could interject, Alice piped up.

"Bella, go. You'll have a great time," she told me, tapping her forehead knowingly and then winking. I didn't know what that meant, I only knew that it couldn't be good.

"So it's settled then," Edward said. "How do you feel about canoes?"

"No."

"Swimming?"

"No."

"Athletics of any kind?"

"Nope." Edward gave me a disgruntled look.

"Oh my God," Alice said, holding up a finger to shush Jasper for a moment. "You're going to go to the meadow in the woods by the basketball courts and lay around all day. Bring food for a picnic, and books to read. Don't forget a blanket to lay on. Edward, don't forget your wallet. Bella, change into shorts because it's going to get hot later. Jeez. Do I have to spell everything out for everyone?"

We all stared at her like she had just unlocked her jaw and spit out a live person. This girl was fantastically insane. I adored her, and decided to follow her instructions. So what if she thought this was something she saw in the future? As her new best friend, it was my job to humor her.

"You heard the woman," I said to him as I got up. "I'll meet you outside of my cabin in half an hour."

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><p><strong>Thanks for all of the favorites and alerts. You're fantastic. Please review! I'm hoping to update again tonight or tomorrow.<strong>


	4. Henry Chinaski Made Me Do It

**I still don't own any of these characters, I'm simply responsible for their actions.**

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><p>What, exactly, does one wear on an all day outing with a cute boy who they don't want to like? This is the problem I was faced with. All of the thought I put into the outfit in my five minute shower was for naught. I looked at my clothes in abject horror, mainly because my method of putting together an ensemble usually consisted of asking myself the following questions: 1. Is it weather appropriate? 2. Are the clothes at least semi-clean? 3. Would my step sister, Leah, wear it? 4. Do I look like a douche?<p>

Do these rules apply to non-dates with non-crushes? Thankfully, I didn't have to worry for long, because just as I was starting to panic about whether I should wear short sleeves or a tank top (If I lift my arms, will my cuts and scars show? If they show, will he care? Does the fact that I'm even thinking this much into it prove something?), Alice showed up to save the day.

"You look like you're about to poop your pants. I haven't actually seen you pooping your pants, so I don't know if you end up doing that or not, but I'm very close to grabbing you some toilet paper. What is your deal?" In her normal Alice fashion, she spat all of this out quickly, and loudly, and while digging through my clothes to find something for me to wear.

"I don't know what to wear. Is a tank top a bad idea?" I felt like a complete twat for asking her. I felt like I was on an episode of Hannah Montana or something. The Bella of last week would kick the Bella of this week in the spine and tell her to put on her big girl panties. Unfortunately, the Bella of last week was nowhere to be found. Traitorous bitch.

"Won't matter," Alice said noncommittally. I didn't like that.

"What the hell does that mean?"

"It means that it won't matter. I can't tell you why. Let's for now go with the logical explanation that you are here, and he has probably seen your file," the frustration in her voice was a little frightening. "Why do you care, anyway? I thought you hated him and his hairy ballsack," she stuck out her tongue at me.

"I never said I hated him, just that we weren't going to fall in love. Whatever," I grumbled and put on the outfit she handed me, which ended up being perfect. Denim shorts, white t-shirt, chucks. Having a best friend was kind of awesome.

After I dressed, she pushed me down so I was sitting on my bed, and combed out my wet hair so she could braid it away from my face. By the time she was finished, I looked comfortable, cute, and like I put no effort into it. As Alice had informed me, my outfit said "I am always this cute, it has nothing to do whatsoever with the fact that I am hanging out with you."

When Edward showed up to get me, I instantly wished that he would have picked an outfit that said the same thing. Instead, he was wearing that stupid, boring, totally hot black shirt from breakfast with jeans and black boots. I wanted to smack him, and lick his face, at the same time. Not that I liked him or anything. Because I didn't. FUCK.

I grabbed the two books on top of my large pile, not bothering to look at what they were, and the blanket from the foot of my bed, assuming Edward forgot one. With a wave from Alice, we were off to the famed meadow by the basketball courts. Sounds romantic, right?

We were mostly silent on our walk, but it was much less awkward than the usual silences we endured together. I pretended not to notice him looking at me every five seconds, he pretended he wasn't tripping over nothing every hundred yards or so. In short, it wasn't terribly unpleasant.

When we got to the woods, I was hesitant. To be honest, I was concerned that spazzo would trip over a tree root or something and I'd be forced to drag his body (God, how tall is he anyway? 6'3"?) to a location where Dr. Cullen could make sure he wasn't dead. I gave Edward a wary look, which he misunderstood.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to kill you or anything. I swear, like 100 yards into the woods is a huge meadow with a whole bunch of flowers, and the creek runs through it. It's really nice," he said, moving everything he was holding into his right hand so he could lead me with his left at the small of my back. I might have stayed still a second longer so he would use more pressure there, because it felt nice.

As I walked, I tried to say my mantra in my head, but I forgot it. I should have said it in the mirror when I had the chance. Pathetic.

True to his word, we made it to the meadow and I was not disappointed. Better yet, he only tripped once. He pulled a blanket out of his bag (look who was prepared after all), and laid it on the ground for us to sit on. I took advantage of the opportunity to not wear shoes, and slipped out of my high tops and socks before laying out on the blanket, taking up more room than was fair, but not particularly caring. On my stomach, I used my hands as a pillow and relaxed. He could push me out of the way, or lay down on the other blanket if he didn't like it.

But he didn't. Of _course_ he didn't. No, instead, he simply laid down next to me, and on me where my body was in his way. So there he is, on his back, with his leg on top of mine, and his arm resting on my arm. It should have been uncomfortable. I should have been mad. Instead, I let my mouth go off while I was busy wondering if that fantastic smell was cologne, shampoo, deodorant, or some freakish man-smell that he naturally possessed.

"Do you usually use guests as pillows? Is that even allowed?" Nice, Bella. Real nice.

"I don't usually use anyone as a pillow. However, people usually don't take up as much space as you do. You are short, and resemble a toothpick. How can you take up more room than Emmett?" His words implied that he was annoyed, his inflection implied that he was impressed. I went with the latter.

"Because I'm awesome, that's how. My question is how you could possibly know what it's like to lay next to Emmett. You also never answered if this could get us in trouble." I didn't want to be a nudge, but I was starting to get concerned. Edward may be a spaz, but he wasn't stupid, and he avoided that question for a reason. I didn't want to get into trouble, I just wanted to get this summer over with as quickly and painlessly as possible. It was at that moment when I began to realize how much Edward could throw a wrench in those plans. I had to do what I could to make sure that didn't happen.

I wasn't looking at this experience with rose-tinted glasses; I wasn't expecting to go home normal, or feeling comfortable with my weight or with the knowledge that I'd never hurt myself again. I just wanted to get through this summer with a good report from Dr. Cullen so my dad and Sue would leave me alone. He could not mess this up for me. God only knows what Charlie would do if I got kicked out of camp for fucking a counselor. The more I thought about it, the more I was genuinely angry with Edward for his cavalier attitude about the situation. I wanted to punch him, but that's sort of how I ended up there in the first place. I settled for rolling over quickly, thus knocking him off kilter and sending him onto his face in the grass.

Bella, 1. Edward, 0.

I sat with my legs crossed (hells yeah, criss-cross applesauce), and stared at the back of Edward's head while he came to terms with what just happened. It didn't take him long, because before I even realized what was happening, he had dove on top of me and was tickling me like a mad man. A mad man who wanted to die, apparently. There was only one problem – he was a hell of a lot stronger than me.

"Say you're sorry, Bella. That was rude." He said in a very calm voice. I pretended I didn't hear him.

As I tried to wriggle from his grasp, he sat on my thighs, held my arms above my head, and tickled my torso until I was gasping for breath with tears streaming down my face. I begged for him to stop. I threatened his life. I tried to kick him in the balls.

"Say you're sorry, and it'll all end. You just have to say 'I'm sorry, Edward. I shouldn't have done that. You're so manly and handsome, please forgive me,'" he ordered in what he thought my voice sounded like. I was going to kill him for this. He continued to tickle. My muscles were starting to hurt, and I was concerned I might wet my pants.

"Say it..." he said more quietly this time, close enough to my ear that I could feel his breath on my neck. We were approaching the danger zone. I gave in for the greater good.

"I'm sorry!" I yelled between hysteric fits of laughter.

"And..." he prompted with a smirk that was quickly growing into a full out grin.

"And you're handsome and manly and whatever. Please stop!" I hated him. I hated him. I hated him.

"I guess that'll do," he sighed, and finally stopped tickling, but left his hands on the small of my waist. "You're not a very good sport, you know."

Bella, 1. Edward, 1. Bastard.

"I hate you. May I please sit up now?" I was trying my best to be polite. Maybe if I played my cards right, I could plot and plan my revenge until the opportune moment. He gave me a look that clearly said "I'm on to you." God I hated him.

"If I let you go, you aren't allowed to tickle me. Just remember how much stronger than you I am, little girl." He slowly got off of my lap and let go of me, then used two fingers to point at his eyes, then mine, then back at his to show he was watching me. It would have been cute, if I didn't hate him.

I tried to gather what little of my pride I had left and sat back up.

"I will get you back for that," I said very seriously to him.

"I'm sure you will, wee one," he said with another smirk. Fucking smirk.

"No, really, I can guarantee it."

"Ten bucks says you can't," he said to me. This boy was clearly an idiot who wanted to be poor.

"You are so on." Silence ensued.

I desperately wanted to check my hair to see if it got messed up, but I didn't want to give him the satisfaction. Instead, I chose to avoid the constant eye contact he kept trying to make with me.

"You can't just not look at me ever again," he said, lifting my face by my chin so I would look at him. Out of spite, I closed my eyes. He sighed.

"And, for the record," he said with his hand still under my chin, "laying next to you on a picnic blanket would not result in either of us getting in trouble. Especially when you take into account that I am not technically a mentor. I do whatever odd jobs they need me to do in exchange for free sessions with Carlisle, and a free place to stay. The Hales pretty much spoil the crap out of me." The abrupt change in the tone of the conversation made me open my eyes, which made me very sorry. Crap. He was really cute.

"That's..." I didn't know what that was. Shit. My brain was broken. "So, what are your sessions with Carlisle for? And who is Carlisle?" I began to hope that asking that question would become less awkward the longer I was at Sap. (For the record, it did not.) Edward tensed, and moved his hand away from my face, choosing instead to play with a loose thread on the blanket.

"Carlisle is Dr. Cullen. I got sent here last year because I tried to kill myself," he said, and then he held up a hand as if to stop me from speaking (which I was totally about to do, because I'm a nosy fuck). "No, I'm not going to kill myself. And it doesn't matter why I tried," he leveled me with a look that said 'don't test me.'

"I'm still here because my dad raised me, and he was an asshole, and now I'm chock full of issues. Good enough?" He looked like there was nothing in the world he wanted to talk about less than what we were discussing. I threw him a bone.

"Good enough," I told him, feeling a little guilty.

"Oh, and don't worry, I've already seen your file, so I won't ask you the same question." I couldn't tell if he was telling me that to calm me, to unnerve me, or to piss me off. I naturally assumed option number three.

"So, what would happen if you were caught laying with me on this blanket?" I asked.

"We'd probably get some weird looks, and Rosalie and Emmett would make fun of me," he sort of shrugged at the end of the sentence.

"And if we were cuddling on the blanket?"

"Are you asking me to cuddle?" He was smirking now.

"What would happen?"

"Probably the same thing as if we were just laying. Really, there aren't a lot of rules for me to follow here. I mean, I promised not to sleep with any guests, but at the time we were talking about that weird girl who hides all of her shit. Isn't she in your cabin?" Edward began to squirm a bit where he sat, getting uncomfortable with my excessive eye contact.

"What would happen if we got caught making out on the blanket?" I moved a little closer, so one of my knees was touching him. He froze, which I was thankful for. I was half expecting him to jump and accidentally head butt me or something. Edward's not the most graceful.

"They'd, uh," he sort of gulped like a cartoon character, which was entertaining. "They'd probably tell us to keep it clean, but I doubt there would be any further discussion." I got on my knees in front of him, and moved closer, so my face was next to his; my mouth to his ear.

"What would they do if your hands were up my shirt?" I paused and rested my hand on his inner thigh.

"Or if mine were in your jeans?" I moved my thumb in small circles, and felt the tendons in his thigh tighten. Edward let out a shaky breath.

"I don't know, I've never actually been caught in that situation, so..."

I hadn't planned to do it, but I couldn't help myself. I leaned in slowly and kissed his neck, just under his ear. Were necks supposed to taste good? Because his did. Apparently he liked it, because he let out a surprisingly feral sound from his chest. When I spoke again, I kept my lips against the now moist spot below his ear.

"Well then what do you think would happen," I moved up to lick the shell of his ear, "if someone came back here to the meadow," I lowered my voice to just above a whisper, "and you were fucking my brains out against that tree?" When I finished speaking, I bit his earlobe, and he groaned. It was an absolutely fantastic sound. I wanted to hear it constantly, perhaps interspersed with mumblings of my name and various expletives. Or, at least, that's what I would want if I liked him. Which I did not, because I hated him. Clearly.

"Is that-" he stopped himself, closed his eyes, and breathed in and out slowly. "I doubt they would be very pleased to see that happen on camp grounds." He finally said, while avoiding looking at me.

"Good," I told him. "Because it is never going to fucking happen. Now give me my ten bucks." I leaned away and grabbed the pack of smokes Alice had given me out of my bag to light one.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" He yelled, while trying to nonchalantly adjust himself. Let me rephrase that; while he tried to move his GIANT FUCKING PENIS THAT WAS CLEARLY OUTLINED THROUGH HIS JEANS BECAUSE, DEAR GOD, HE WAS OBVIOUSLY NOT WEARING UNDERWEAR.

"No," I spoke around my cigarette as I lit it, "I am not. I told you that I would get you back. Now pay up, sucker." I started to mentally alphabetize my books in an effort to not think about how hot he was, the way he sounded when groaned, or the clothed view I got of his massive dick.

I was so fucked. And not even in the way I wanted (or, didn't want... FUCK).

Edward pulled his wallet out of his back pocket and pulled out two fives. That's when Alice's creepy ability to make educated guesses or whatever the fuck Dr. Cullen has her saying – bitch can totally see the future – hit me.

"Alice was totally right, you know," I pointed at his wallet as I shoved the bills into my pocket. He only rolled his eyes. Had we both been sort of secretly hoping her warning was so that we'd have a condom? Not that I would have had sex with him or anything. I needed a conversation change, pronto...

"Hey, if you work for free, how do you have money? Did I just rob you of your last ten bucks?" He leveled a glare at me. "I don't feel guilty if that's the truth, I'm just curious," I stuck my tongue out at him.

"Keep doing that and someone will bite it off," he warned me. "My dad died before I came here to work and left me enough money for me to be comfortable for... a while."

"Oh, I love it when you talk cryptically to me, baby. Do it again." I waggled my eyebrows, which led to him smirking. I hated that goddamn smirk. Shit should be illegal.

"All right, what books did you bring? I'm not reading anything found in the paperback romance section, by the way," he pointed at me accusingly. Did I look like that type of girl? I had to suppress the urge to punch him. Again.

"I didn't look at what I brought, I just grabbed the first two off the top. Let's see, we have..." I grabbed the books out of my purse and smiled widely. "_A Farewell to Arms_ and _Women_." I held both up for him to see the covers.

"Bella, you are the strangest girl I have ever met," he smiled broadly at me, and my insides would have turned to goo if I was into him. Which I was not. At all.

He grabbed _Women_ out of my hand and in a flash pulled me toward him and spun me around (while only accidentally elbowing me once – improvements, yay!) so that I was leaning against his back, sitting between his legs. It was comfortable, and intimate, and warm, and it smelled good there, so I stayed. And when he opened up the book in front of us both, and handed me a bottle of water from his bag, I leaned back into him more and forgot about the fact that he was the wrench in my summer plans at NHSC. I forgot about most things, actually.

We stayed like that for a while, reading aloud our favorite parts, and discussing if we thought his real life Linda was attractive or not. Then we googled her on my cell phone and became horrified, so we smoked more of Alice's cigarettes and laughed and shared the grapes and apples and peanut butter he brought. And when I refused to eat more when I was full, he tried to feed me. And when I shoved an apple slice covered in peanut butter up his nose, he laughed instead of punching me in the stomach.

After a while my butt fell asleep, and he got sick of my shoulder blades assaulting his internal organs, so we got up to stretch.

"You know," I said as I raised my arms above my head to stretch, "there are worse ways I could have spent a Saturday. It's not every day you get to see a fake camp counselors boner outlined in his jeans, you know." Edward did a face-palm.

"And less than a day after I saw your balls, no less. You are on a roll, friend." I stuck my tongue out at him and walked over to the creek, thinking it'd be nice to stick my toes in. I could hear him following me, and feel his eyes boring into the back of my skull. Apparently, he was not amused.

"Is the water usually cold?" I asked as I let my big toe just barely touch the water. I never got an answer, though, because Spazasaurus Rex tripped over his own damn feet and fell on me, causing us both to fall into the shallow water. Ever have over 6 feet of attractive male fall on you into a creek bed? It doesn't tickle. It feels like you are being crushed to death; one side of your body by a giant wall of muscle, the other side by sharp fucking rocks.

By the time I had my bearings enough to want to yell at him, I opened my eyes to see something I was completely unprepared for: a wet Edward. I'm talking hair dripping water down his face, shirt stuck to his chest, eyelashes holding droplets of moisture, wet. And he was on top of me, and warm, and supporting my head, and (probably) accidentally poking me in the stomach with wonder-penis who wanted to come out to play again. I was too distracted by how much I wanted him to try to convince myself that I didn't want to play, too.

So, when he leaned in very, very slowly to kiss me, I let him. And when his lips touched mine, both wet with water from the creek, I kissed him back. I became a woman possessed. I went from angry to horny in 2.5 flat. My hands flew into his hair, my leg curled around the back of his, and I opened my mouth for some good old fashion tongue sex. Edward did not disappoint.

The second he realized I was into it, he went into action, rolling us so we were out of the water. Hovering over me in the grass, he placed his hand on my cheek, and his thumb at the corner of my mouth, assuring it stayed open. His tongue traced my lips, and just when I wanted to groan because he wouldn't let me have it back, his tongue dove back into my mouth, officially turning me into jello.

Before I knew it, I was moaning and groaning and grabbing every part of him I could. I pulled on his hair, and his shirt, and his belt loops. He trailed kisses from my mouth down to my neck, and did unholy things to the hollow of my throat while I frantically tried to remember how to breathe. When I couldn't take it anymore, I flipped us so I was on top. I needed to be.

I pushed his shirt up so I could run my hands over his wet abs, and touch the blonde hair that looked so, so good the day before. It felt even better. And when I moved my kisses away from his lips to his jaw, so that I could fully enjoy the feel of that uneven stubble, Edward started talking. Sure, it was louder than the quiet moans I would have liked to hear, but I'd take what I could get.

"Bella! Shit, Bella!" Expletives _and_ my name. Damn, I'm good.

"No, no, sweetie," he said, gently shaking my shoulder. Wait, what did he just call me? I sat upright immediately.

"Did you seriously just call me sweetie?" I asked him, beyond incredulous. "I am not your 'sweetie,' Edward. I'm not your anything. So we were making out, who cares? Just because you know what the back of my tongue feels like does not mean you can assign me pet names. Jesus, I know you have balls, I've SEEN them. Where the fuck are they?"

We could have been fine if he was normal. There would be no problems with my plan if we could just stay emotionally separate, while still having sexy times. Weren't guys supposed to be into that shit anyway? I hated him.

"Okay, I'm sorry, I won't do it again. But I stopped you because you're bleeding," he said, crawling out from beneath me to look at the back of my head. It was then that I noticed the pink water on his hand, and the red spots on my white t-shirt.

I'm pretty sure that's when I passed out. Awesome.

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><p><strong>Thank you for reading, you are all wonderful! Please review, I love to hear from you. I'll have another chapter up as soon as I can. <strong>


	5. Hors d'oeuvres, anyone?

**I still don't own anything.**

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><p>When I came to, I was laying on what felt like a wooden table with a pillow top. That could not be a good sign. I slowly opened my left eye, the tiniest bit, to see where I was. I didn't know why, but I had a feeling that I did not want to be where I was. Either way, my slight lid lift wasn't quite as subtle as I thought.<p>

"Oh, good! You're awake. Jesus, you scared the shit out of me!" Edward's face was roughly two inches from mine, and he spoke loudly and with vigor, showering me with the scent of coffee breath. Not the first thing one wants to smell when waking up. Speaking of waking up, why was I there in the first place?

I gave up on being sneaky-awake, and committed to fully-awake. With both eyes open, I saw that I was in one of the M cabins, but not the nice one with the couch. Edward stood to my left side, looking slightly green, and his hands were shaking furiously. I didn't have the energy to deal with whatever his problem was yet, so I looked to the other side of my bed, where Dr. Cullen stood.

"How are you feeling, Bella? Two falls in one day has to be a little tiring," he said with a pleasant smile.

"I don't remember falling..." and then I stopped myself, because I DID remember. And I whipped my head around to glare at Edward. "You!" I pointed at his face, wishing I was less dizzy so I could get up and smack him. "You and your two left feet knocked me into that fucking creek, you spaz! And then you were using pet names! God, no wonder I passed out. I'm surprised I didn't puke." Dr. Cullen found this amusing, while Edward somehow get even paler.

"I'm sure that pet name story is quite humorous, but I'd just like to do a few tests to make sure everything's in working order. Is that okay with you, Bella?" He didn't really wait for me to answer, and brought out one of those little pen lights.

The tests he did were short, and showed that I passed out because I hate blood (and possibly being called Sweetie) and not because I was concuss. This annoyed me, because I could have told him that without him shining a light directly into my eyes. I was starting to think that both of the men in that room might be idiots.

Dr. Cullen finally let me sit up and have some water, and aside from a pretty gnarly headache, I was feeling fine. So I wanted to yell at Edward. To be honest, I didn't have a valid reason to, but he looked like he felt guilty, and I was embarrassed, and somebody had to pay. It only made sense for that person to be the one who was going to possibly destroy my summer plans anyway, right? … Right?

While I was devising my yelling plan, and glaring at Edward, Alice came running into the room so fast I thought I felt a breeze behind her.

"Ohmygod, Bella! Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod!" She was yelling, and fluttering her hands around my head when she wasn't smacking Edward. Having a best friend really was awesome.

Once she had decided she'd hit Edward enough, she took a peek around to make sure Dr. Cullen wasn't within earshot, and leaned in to stage whisper at me.

"I did not see you getting hurt! What happened to you? Oh my God, they didn't shave your head where you got cut, did they?" Not surprisingly, since it was Alice, she sounded most horrified by the prospect that I might have a bald spot.

"I'm fine, thanks for asking. And no, all of my hair is intact. If you'd like to know what happened, ask twinkle toes over here." I motioned to Edward, and then got up off of the least comfortable "bed" ever made to find and put on my shoes. I didn't have to look for long, Edward was already holding them, ready to hand them to me.

"First I tripped, and Bella and I fell into the creek, and she hit her head," he told Alice as he forced me to sit in one of the plastic chairs against the wall. He bent over and started to put my shoes on my feet for me. I tried to protest, but he ignored. I tried to kick him, but he was still stronger than me. I sighed and relaxed back into the chair.

"So after we got out of the creek we were... just hanging aroun-"

"Yeah, making out, I know. I'm not an idiot, by the way. You don't need to have any super powers, of deduction or of future sight, to know that happened. Continue," she told him sternly. For a certified midget (or is it dwarf? Is it rude to ask? Is that under 5 feet rule even real? I digress...) she was absolutely terrifying. I didn't envy him.

"Uhm, yes. That. So then I noticed she was bleeding, and I told her. But I told her the wrong way, apparently, and she freaked out, and then she fainted. So I grabbed our shit and her, and ran her here. Fifteen minutes and four cups of coffee later, and here we are." He finished tying my second shoe and finally looked up at my face. He looked horrible; sort of a combination of overly anxious, sadness and shame. I ignored it, because that was the only thing I could do.

"Well, thanks for getting me back here, I guess. I'm going to go to my cabin and sleep now. Do I need to check out with Dr. Cullen or anything?" I made eye contact with Edward's eyebrows so I wouldn't have to look him in the eye.

Trust me, it's not just a river in Egypt.

"No, I've got it," he said softly as he helped me stand. "Do you need help getting back? I don't mind helping you carry your things."

"If you become my lacky now, you'll be in for a world of pain. I've got it," I said, knowing that both of us could hide behind banter. This translated to _I'm not really that pissed. Just give me some space, okay?_

I wanted to physically show him that if he could keep his vagina in line (and thus his feelings out of the way), that we could still be friends. How did I do that? A hug seemed too friendly, a kiss was out of the question, a fist bump would lead to me punching myself in the face. I settled for a pat on the shoulder. The look he gave me afterward told me that this was not the right way to go.

"Did you really just pat me on the shoulder? Thanks, coach." _I'd rather not, but I will, because I'm starting to like you._

I'd never been so happy to hear a smartass comment before. Maybe there was hope for us after all; I mean, at least we were communicating in our own strange way.

"Don't you need to go change your tampon or something?" _Don't say shit like that. It's not going to happen._

I grabbed my bag and my blanket from the chair Edward had placed them on, and felt around at the bandage on the back of my head. That shit hurt.

"Thankfully, if I do, you have plenty to spare." _Stop pretending that you don't like me, too._ He grinned, I scowled. Then I remembered that this broke our treaty from yesterday.

"How am I doing today? Am I still, what was it? All surly and long legs?" _I don't like you enough to do this, or even as much as you like me._

"Low blow," he said while shaking his head. _I'll back down now, but I want to talk about this later._

It would have to do.

"I'll see you later, try not to maim anyone else, okay?"

Alice and I left to the sounds of Edward grumbling to himself, out into the still early summer evening.

Once we made it back to the cabin, and I'd showered and changed, I laid down on my bed next to Alice.

"Wanna talk about it?" She asked me in a voice that was, thankfully, not at all motherly. She knew my hang ups, thank God.

"Not really," I told her honestly. "It's a messy situation that I want to go away. Can you make that happen?"

"Afraid not, new friend. You don't really want it to go away, anyway. You like him," she sang that last part, probably with the sole intention of annoying the crap out of me. It worked.

"It doesn't matter if I like him or not. He could completely fuck up my summer for me. I need to get out of this place without any problems, and if I end up boning my counselor it's not going to go so well for me." Even if said counselor had those abs, and those eyes, and that stubble, and can do that thing to your neck with his tongue...

"My God, what he do to you to make you have that face right now? Oh! Was it like that scene with the flower from that Josh Hartnett movie? That was so..." It amazed me how excited she could make herself. She was an enigma.

"It was nothing like _40 Days and 40 Nights,_" I told her, just barely suppressing an eye roll. "He's just a very... thorough kisser. There were no orgasms, thankyouverymuch."

She stared at me with a look that said 'you are so not telling me something.' I wanted to point out that she was supposed to see it before it happened, anyway. I guess life was just confusing sometimes.

"We did not do anything below the belt. I did fuck with him a little, and won ten bucks, but you obviously knew that already."

"You wanted the wallet to be for a condom." It wasn't a question. It sounded more like an _I told you so_.

"I hate you."

"You are so screwed. Let's go get dinner." I couldn't argue with that.

I should have, though. Because, if I'd thought about it, I would have realized that Alice would have wanted to sit at Jasper's table. Which would also be the table where Edward was eating. I really needed to work on thinking a few steps ahead.

Sitting at one of the smaller, round tables in the back were Edward, Jasper, Rose and Emmett. The last two looked mighty cozy. I made a mental note to ask Alice about that later.

Apparently, our presence was expected, because there were trays filled with food set out for both of us – one next to Edward and one next to Jasper. I took notice of the fact that the tray next to Edward was filled with fruits, vegetables and what looked like a whole wheat pita filled with cooked veggie goodness. The one next to Jasper was filled mostly with red meats and cupcakes. Apparently, the boys had picked up on our eating habits quickly. It made it a lot more difficult to be mad at Edward. Fuck.

I sat down in the seat left empty for me and mumbled a quick thank you without looking up from my plate.

"How's your head, Bella? I didn't know there was anyone else in the world as clumsy as Masen. How did that even happen? Were you guys mackin' it and then -" a small, tanned elbow slammed into his ribs at that moment, knocking the air out of his lungs.

"Damn, Rosie! What the hell?" She slapped him on the back of the head, and then looked over to me.

"I'm so sorry. There is no excuse for him. Although, the longer we date, the more I think he was dropped on his head as a child. Or perhaps ate paint chips? The jury's still out, really." She glared at Emmett then, and I was envious of her perfect evil eye. It also made a lot of sense that they were dating, it was a given when you saw them. It was like the quarterback and the head cheerleader. No one could be surprised by that.

I didn't know how to respond, so I just sort of nodded at her. Like I said before, if I'm not being mean, I'm just awkward. Edward, of course, came into the conversation to save my ass from looking like a mute idiot. It is so difficult to hate someone who is helpful, lemme tell you.

"She's had a hard day, guys. Let's give her a break, yeah?" He didn't look at me at all during the exchange, but he placed his hand lightly on my knee under the table. I didn't know how to react to that; it didn't seem sexual, or condescending, or parental. It just seemed friendly, like we were in it together. That idea thrilled me (because he was done thinking entirely with his vagina... although, he might still be) and it scared the crap out of me (because being a team is like being in a relationship). I wondered if I should point out to him the fact that when my relationships end, people get hurt. Physically.

Conversation at the table resumed normally after that; Emmett and Rose blew each other with their eyes, Alice and Jasper were pretending to not be attracted to each other while somehow simultaneously acting like a married couple, and Edward and I sat in our usual pregnant silence. After I had an apple and half of the wrap, Edward put his hand on my leg again, just above my knee this time, and gave it a little squeeze.

"Thank you," I said quietly.

"How are you feeling? Does your head still hurt? I feel terrible, Bella." He sounded terrible. I had a feeling he'd been drinking coffee and chain smoking since I last saw him. The hand that wasn't on my leg was shaking, and his voice was beyond scratchy.

"I'm fine, really. Just a little sore, but I'll pop some Advil after dinner and I'm sure I'll be good as new. Stop being a baby about it." I was getting better at the nice thing.

"I'm glad to hear it," he squeezed my leg again, and then rubbed it a little before taking it away to fiddle with the cap of his iced tea. "So, uh, every Saturday night we do movies at Rosalie's apartment and I was wondering if you wanted to come?"

"Rosalie has an apartment here? The hell?"

"Her parents own the camp, Bella. And they're incredibly wealthy, but that's beside the point. We all go over on Saturday nights and watch a movie or two. Would you and Alice like to come? I think Jasper would like to see her there," he told me with a wink. I was still confused by the whole situation. NHSC made no sense to me.

"Don't you guys have to, like, watch your cabins?" Sometimes, my articulation is so beautiful. Sigh.

"That's sort of a benefit of being close to the Hales. They help you out when you ask," he shrugged, but I could tell the situation made him a little uncomfortable.

"I'll talk to Alice about it, and then I'll get back to-"

"Yeah, we'd love to come," Alice cut in from across the table.

"Well, I guess that's settled," I mumbled as I took a sip of my coffee.

Getting help from Alice for a non date? Easy. Getting help from Alice for a triple date that she will be attending? Torturous. Every moment that I didn't kill her, I was proud of myself.

"Alice, we are going to be in an apartment with several other people, watching a movie. No one gives a shit what color underwear I am wearing. _I_ don't even care what color underwear I am wearing." I couldn't help but wonder, is this what she did every day? How did she function? What was it like inside her brain? I bet panties hung from hooks all over walls covered with photos of Jasper and his pube hair. I decided I never, ever wanted to see what was inside her head. Ever.

"Fine, just wear these," she threw me the only matching bra and panty set I owned, which was bright red. I hated that underwear, and didn't even remember packing it. "Killjoy," she muttered under her breath as she grabbed me an outfit I never would have put together myself; a denim skirt and a dressy black tank top. The shirt did not belong to me.

"Don't give me that look. Just because it's mine doesn't mean it won't fit," she told me. "Plus, now you'll fit in with what everyone else wears, no matter what." She threw a pair of black flats at me, which I ignored to put on my chucks instead.

I refused to let her redo my hair and makeup, and popped a few Advil for my headache. By then, she had primped and prepped and buffed herself to near oblivion. To be honest, I thought she looked pretty much the same. I wanted to point that out to her, but I didn't want her to attack me.

I'd barely had time to light one of Alice's cigarettes on the front porch when Edward and Jasper came to get us. Edward had changed his shirt (who knew a plain white t-shirt was just as attractive as a plain black one? Fuck.) and Jasper was staring at Alice like she was the second coming.

"Hey, Alice," Edward said without looking at her, and walked directly past her to get to me. "Hi," he said to me a little more quietly. He made "hi" sound like "I'm imagining you naked, and I enjoy it." I was so screwed.

Rosalie's "apartment" ended up being a little one bedroom house on the other end of the camp grounds, where she stayed on weekends. I was sort of jealous of her life.

Before we even opened the door, we heard incredibly loud rock music. When the door opened, we were practically deafened by the noise. Jasper rolled his eyes, and tried to yell into the house to get Rosalie's attention. At least, I think that's what he wanted, because I couldn't hear him, and I was three feet away. We all followed him down a small hallway and to the right, where I assumed the living room was.

When we turned the corner into the room, the first thing I noticed was the way it was decorated. It didn't even look like anyone lived there, it just looked like one of those Ikea show rooms, but with nice furniture instead of snap-together plastic pieces. Then, I looked at the coffee table and immediately went blind.

Rosalie was lying on top of the table, dress pulled up to her neck and legs spread to either side, while Emmett pounded away at her like a jack hammer. Even though Emmett was facing us, and clearly saw us, he didn't stop. That is, until Jasper threw a vase at his head. Everything after that happened so quickly, it was hard to keep track.

Rosalie jumped off of the table, lowered her dress back down to cover herself and turned off the music while Edward held Jasper back from attacking Emmett, who seemed completely at ease with the fact that the only thing he was wearing was a condom. He grabbed a few tissues and pressed them to the open cut on his head from the vase, and waved at me and Alice with the other hand. I think I waved back.

"What the hell is your problem?" Jasper was yelling, but had stopped his advances toward Emmett. Edward smartly continued to hold onto his arms. "That is my SISTER, Emmett. You knew we were coming over, would it have killed you to do that earlier? Or after we left? OR IN THE FUCKING BEDROOM?" He was huffing and puffing, and his face was turning red. Alice appeared to be about three seconds away from hauling him into Rosalie's bedroom herself. I was tempted to hold her back, as well.

Rosalie quietly and calmly handed Emmett his pants, and Jasper a beer.

"I'm sorry," she said genuinely, and then turned and walked into the kitchen without another word. She didn't look embarrassed at all, which I found awesome, and slightly annoying.

She came back a moment later with what looked like snacks and more beers.

"So," she said, holding up a plate of food. "Who wants a weenie?"

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><p><strong>Thank you for reading! Just a few things... <strong>

1. I understand that about 90% of the inner-workings of Sap are completely unrealistic. Alas, 'tis just a story.

2. Those of you who review, and put me on alerts, make my day. Thank you!

3. My updating schedule is completely inconsistent, but I'm working on it. My brother is getting married, and I'm home for the wedding, which is making life way more complicated than I'd like.

4. Please review and tell me what you think!


	6. Change In the House of Flies

**I don't own any of this stuff. **

**This chapter is a bit citrusy. That is not usually my thing. So, uh, be nice?**

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><p>You had to hand it to Rosalie; her brother (and co.) caught her mid-coitus, and she simply continued about her day. This either meant she was just as crazy as some of the guests, or she was really awesome. I wasn't ready to hazard a guess either way.<p>

Emmett put his t-shirt on inside out after his jeans were secure on his body, and walked over to Jasper as if he were a rabid animal.

"Sorry, bro. It's just, I was almost finished, and I figured you guys would just turn around until we were... Sorry." He then backed away slowly in the direction of Rosalie.

After Jasper downed two beers, which he insisted on referring to as "brain bleach," we were ready to calm down and let the situation work itself out. Finding places to sit turned out to be more of an event than anyone had expected.

Rosalie and Emmett went for the oversized chair in the corner, but once Rose caught the expression on Jasper's face, they decided on the love seat instead. Alice sat on the far end of the couch, and Jasper sat on the opposite end, putting a great distance between them. Alice looked like she was going to kill someone. That left Edward and me; we could either sit between Jasper and Alice, or on the chair. I was pretty sure Alice could start fires with that look, so I hopped on the chair. Unfortunately, Edward followed suit.

I sat as close to the arm of the chair as possible, and refused to respond when Edward sat close and put his arm around me. I had assumed that dealing with him would be like dealing with a child; if I ignored him, maybe he'd stop acting out. Wrong again. He took my lack of objection as a good sign, and wrapped his arm around me tighter. He smelled entirely too good for me to protest his new proximity. I sighed and rested my head back against the chair.

"Okay," Rose said standing up and walking over to her shelves of DVDs. "What are you guys in the mood for? We've got-"

"Paranormal Activity. No questions. Put that shit in." Emmett was so, so eloquent. I envied his grace and poise.

Rose didn't look surprised by this suggestion, but simply took the DVD out of the case and put it in the DVD player. On her way back to the loveseat, she turned off the lights, so now the room was only illuminated by the dark TV. I was terrified of several things at once. The movie itself, Edward making a move on me, and me letting him. It was going to be a rough night.

I stopped my mental violin playing and looked over to Alice, who looked even more miserable than me. What the hell was Jasper's deal? He was, like, 4 feet away from her. Hadn't he been making goo goo eyes at her two hours ago?

"Edward," I whispered as I pinched his side, under the guise of getting his attention. (If you have ever seen those rib muscle things he has, you would not blame me for my lame excuse to touch him.) "What's up with Jasper? He knows that girls don't _actually_ have cooties, right?"

Edward squirmed around a bit, switching his gaze back and forth from Jasper to me quickly.

"He..." and he stopped.

"Use your words."

"He broke up with his girlfriend, and he thinks it'll be unfair to Alice if he tries to do anything with her so soon. He's afraid she'll find out and think she's rebound," he whispered with lightning speed into my ear.

I turned myself a bit so I was facing Edward, and the TV, more. I'm sure you can guess which one was the real motivation for the move. I moved my face closer to his, you know, to make it easier to whisper to him.

"Why is he putting so much thought into it? The girl is in love with him. According to her, she's seen the future, and in it they are married. I've only known the girl for two days, but so far almost everything she's 'predicted' has been spot on, if not for the most part irrelevant." I took a peek around to make sure no one was looking at our intimate position, but they were all preoccupied. Rose and Emmett were cuddling each other to death, while Jasper watched the movie, and Alice tried to blow up his head with her mind.

"Because he really likes her, and doesn't want to screw it up," Edward whispered back to me. After a pause, he spoke again.

"Has she predicted anything about us?" He asked with a bit of an uneasy lilt to his voice. I didn't want to tell him that I still thought us falling in love was complete bullshit. I also didn't want to point out that it was, thus far, the only thing she had predicted that hadn't come true. I didn't want to hear him add "yet" to the end of that sentence.

"Plenty," I told him. "Can I borrow your cell phone?" He looked beyond wary about that idea.

"I just need to tell Jasper that the only way he can screw things up with Alice is if he keeps doing exactly what he's doing now. Look how upset she is. She thinks he just rejected her," I tilted my head slightly in Alice's direction. By that point, she had tears in her eyes. Jasper was practically hanging off his side of the couch.

"Okay, okay. I'll text him," he said, apparently seeing how dire the situation was.

"After I approve what you say." Men can never be trusted to communicate clearly toward each other. Edward rolled his eyes and pulled out his cell phone, typed the message, and then showed it to me.

_Bella said 2 stop ignoring Alice. U r fucking it up. Just go 4 it._

"I can't believe you use text abbreviations. Other than that, it'll do." I didn't even know people still replaced "to" with "2." So disappointing.

"While I have my phone out, what's your-"

"Nope. Put your phone away, Casanova."

Honestly. We lived like a two minute walk from each other. Why did he need to call me? Perhaps there was a woman living inside of him, somewhere deep. You know, behind all of the sexy man smell and muscle.

He looked at me like I'd just punched his puppy in the face. I sighed, grabbed his phone from him, and put my number in.

"If you text me when I am sleeping, I will legit kill you."

He smiled widely, kissed my temple, and then pulled my legs across his lap. We settled in to watch the movie, but I instantly got distracted by the view to my right. Jasper looked at his phone, his face went pale, and then he looked at Alice. She must have seen this coming, because she was back to "watching the movie." Jasper stood up, walked to the other side of the couch, and sat back down practically on top of her. He put his left around around her, and held her right hand in his.

"Took you long enough," she said while still staring at the screen, not even bothering to whisper.

"I'm sorry," Jasper said sincerely.

"I didn't mean you. I meant Edward and Bella." She gave him a peck on the cheek, and snuggled into his side.

We were all revolting, and I didn't even care. Perhaps his sexy man smell had some sort of sedative in it? I'd have to look into the science behind that. Maybe technology was further along than I thought.

Once the creepy noise right before the ghost shit happens started, I threw pride out the window and held on to Edward for dear life. That shit was scary, and I did not do scary. Edward chuckled and wrapped both arms tightly around me. I'd be lying if I said an Edward cocoon wasn't the most comfortable place in the world. I was blissing.

That is, until his right hand began to move further south down my back. Soon enough, his hand was firmly gripping my hip, and then rubbing circles around my hip bone. I was practically hyperventilating. I felt ridiculous, and hot, and like I could just pounce him any moment.

I looked around the room to see how everyone else was doing. Somehow I had completely missed the disappearance of Rosalie and Emmett, but I had assumed that they were gone for good since they took their beers. Jasper and Alice were giggling slash making out slash reenacting a scene from a Disney movie. If Angela were here, she'd be clapping her hands in joy, surrounded by her creepy plush toys.

I looked up to Edward then, sensing that he was looking at me and not the movie. When I finally met his eyes, I'm relatively sure my uterus began to palpitate. I didn't even know how to function. My mouth parted without my permission, and I did an awkward pelvic thrust that forced him to grip my hip harder. He made a small grunting sound. Through the whole ordeal we never broke eye contact. The phrase "eye fuck" had a whole new meaning to me in that moment.

Just when we began to move in closer, and my heart started to beat faster, and my eyes started to close, Jasper cleared his throat loudly behind me. Edward stared at me in confusion, and I turned around very slowly, so as to make sure I didn't strangle him when he was in view.

"Sorry to interrupt. But, ah," he paused, and pointed around the room. "Clearly no one is watching this movie. You guys mind if I turn it off and put on some music instead? It's just... well, you know..." he trailed off, giving us a look that begged "please, don't make me finish that sentence."

To my complete surprise, Edward spoke up first. "Yeah, whatever."

And then, there was a hand on each side of my face, and he was pulling my face toward his. Before our lips even met, the TV was off leaving the room completely dark, and the Deftones were playing over the stereo.

Edward kissed me with vigor immediately. His fingers were wrapped in my hair, and he pulled me so close into his face that our teeth almost gnashed together. He tasted like beer and cigarettes, and his tongue was so perfectly smooth that I could have cried. When he started to grip my hip harder, and turn my torso toward him, I picked up on his hints and straddled his waist.

I kept myself separated from him, with my waist raised slightly, and waited to see how far he would go. Yeah, he was a fantastic kisser, and I was totally down for him to do that thing to my throat again, but I didn't know if that was his whole repertoire. I was sincerely hoping that he had more coming. (I wish I could tell you that pun wasn't actually going through my mind that moment. Sadly, I cannot.)

We found a steady rhythm to our kissing, and soon my hands were fighting with where they wanted to be. Hair? Shoulders? Chest? Abs? Promised Land? I was about to have a panic attack just trying to decide. Then, he put one hand on each of my hips, and roughly pulled me down onto him. Right. There.

I'm pretty sure I made a squeaking sound, but it couldn't be helped. It was either let that sound out, or explode from sexual tension and the realization that I clearly underestimated that spastic boy.

He kept one hand on my hip, and moved the other to my shoulder to push me down harder. We both made grunting and moaning noises into each other's mouths, letting the music drown us out. Edward kissed down my neck again, while rotating my hips in a circle for me, and then found my favorite spot from earlier in the hollow of my neck. The amount of attention he gave that small spot between my collar bones made my spine tingle.

I couldn't take it anymore. I grabbed his hair and pulled his head away from my throat so I could kiss his lips again; they were swollen around that smooth tongue, and the contrast of that surrounded by his stubble made me shudder. Nothing had ever felt that good before, and I say that as someone who is a huge fan of self-lovin'. I was dying slowly, and couldn't do anything to fix it because we weren't alone. Then that thought really clicked. _We weren't alone, and I was doing my best impersonation of Moaning Myrtle._

I leaned away from Edwards mouth, and brought my mouth to his ear to lick the lobe, and then I whispered to him, "Jasper and Alice."

"Jasper," Edward said loudly. Which concerned me, since I was licking his neck, and rubbing all up against him, and my nipples were probably cutting open his shirt. I pulled away and glared at him in the darkness, making out the rough shapes of his body, and the angular lines of his face.

"Jasper! If you are in here, make yourself known, for your own sake." We both held our breath, waiting for a response, or any sound at all. I leaned in to his ear again and whispered.

"One," I put my hand on his shoulder.

"Two," moved my hand down his chest toward his abs.

"Two and a half..." I moved under his shirt and drew lines back and forth between his hip bones. Every time my fingers passed over his fantastic happy trail, I died a little.

"Three," and he beat me to the punch, cupping me under my skirt, and we both moaned. I would have been mad that he stole my thunder, but I couldn't be, because he started to slowly move his hand in circles over my stupid red underwear, and I was breathing heavier. He kissed me on the lips again, and I kissed back with fervor. I don't know when I started to, but I was slowly moving my hips in circles opposite the ones he was making on me. Soon, I couldn't kiss him anymore if I still wanted to breathe.

"Bella," he murmured into my neck, and wetly kissed the spot where my neck met my shoulder. He slowly bit down, harder and harder, as he pushed my panties to the side to touch me without any interference. When his fingers met my skin, I whimpered, and he muttered something that sounded like "fuck," but I wasn't sure. Mainly because it felt so god-damn-this-is-so-not-normal good. Inhumanly good.

Edward Masen was a sexual god.

He let his thumb move gentle circles around my clit, and slowly pushed one finger inside of me. He worked that way for a while, letting me move up and down on his hand, and working with me. I put my head on his shoulder, no longer able to hold it up myself.

"Bella..." He was muttering into my shoulder, kissing and licking my collar bone and my neck, and any other skin he could reach. The second he pushed a second finger inside of me, he pressed harder with his thumb, and I lost it.

My head fell back, and he had to use his other hand to support my back so I didn't fall backward and kill myself. (Apparently, when he was doing something sexual, he was coordinated. I made a mental note.)

Then, I screamed his name so loud that behind my closed eyelids I saw shots of white light. Or, was that the ridiculous brain-mushing orgasm? I didn't know, or care. I just continued to ride it out.

When I finally stopped convulsing and shaking, I fell forward onto his shoulder again to catch my breath. As I mentally came back down, I did some planning.

Obviously, in this situation, I was to reciprocate. Normally, I would do the opposite equivalent of what he did (hand job), but he had to walk home, and I didn't know where the closest sink was. The next option was a bj, but honestly, I didn't fucking feel like it. His penis was huge. I knew this. Who had a mouth that big? I was not a python, I could not unlock my jaw. (They're the snakes that do that, right?) Regardless. It wasn't an option.

"Bella," Edward said quietly as he grabbed some tissues to clean me and his hand. (So I made a bit of a mess. What-the-fuck-ever. His fingers were made of rainbows and sex-magic.)

"Hmm?" Well, verbosity was never my thing, anyway. (Bullshit.)

"I know what you're thinking, and I don't want you to do anything, so it's okay. Just cool down, okay? No reciprocity needed." He sounded so calm, and adoring, that I almost didn't realize what he said. I sat up slowly to glare at him.

"What do you mean, you don't _want_ me to do anything?" The fuck? Did he just do that out of pity? It didn't matter how mind-blowing it was; so he gave me an orgasm (better than anything ever), who cares? Was it because he thought it would placate me? It's not like I was all "ohh, Edward, love me." Fucking dick.

"No, Bella," he sighed, frustrated. "I didn't mean that. I just meant that I wanted to make _you_ feel good. I don't need anything. I don't even know if you'll still like me tomorrow," he said, leveling a stare at me. "What kind of person would I be if I let you do that, if there was a possibility you wouldn't like me tomorrow? Or next week? Just... enjoy what we did, please? Believe it or not, I don't think solely with my penis. I like you. Let me like you."

I had an almost uncontrollable urge to quote Holly Golightly, you know? _I'll never let _anybody_ put me in a cage._ But I could literally hear him, in his perfect smooth as silk voice, saying in my head _I don't want to put you in a cage, I want to love you!_

And then I would have to kill him.

"Edward, I don't even... Just, don't like me, okay? It won't end well, for either of us." He gave me a blank stare. "Okay, mostly for you. It'll end horribly for you, and a mostly horrible for me." I needed to be honest.

"You think so, huh?" He didn't seem affected by my words at all.

"I know so. The last relationship I was in ended with blood, and punches, and public humiliation for him. And I can't have Charlie or Sue find out that I boned my Mentor on my 'health retreat.' They will kill me." I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself. Edward wasn't trying to be a dick, I was just being a freak. Plus, who could say no to those fingers? HONESTLY.

"Okay, first of all," he said, pushing me away by my shoulders so he could make better eye contact with me in the darkened room, "if you punch me, I know I'll deserve it. The last guy did, anyway. And second, who the hell are Charlie and Sue?" Of course. Fuck. I'm the only lunatic on the planet who refers to her parents by their first names.

"That would be my dad and step mom."

"Carlisle is going to have so much fun with you," he said with a big grin. "Do you refer to them by their first names when you speak to them directly?"

"Ugh. He said he was going to have fun with me, too. I'm concerned. Monday is going to suck. Did you know my sessions are during lunch? You've seen me eat, regularly, can't you do something about that?" I gave him what I thought were puppy-dog eyes. He laughed.

"Aw, Bella. That was cute, in a creepy, man-eating way," he pinched my cheek. "But, no, I can't do anything about that. Mainly because if you were a healthy eater, you would eat more than fruit and a bite or two of a carb every meal. Plus, you and Carlisle will have fun together. He is going to love your sense of humor." He started to kiss my neck, which made me all jelly-like.

"No way," I said pulling away. "You need to make up your mind before anything else happens. Are we friends who have sexy times, or are we just friends? I am not okay with this weird sort-of emotional relationship we have going right now," I tried to figure out a way to verbally express how I was feeling. "I get that you are trying to be all sweet, by not letting me blow you," he looked horrified. "But I don't need that. Whatever relationship we have, we need to be equals. That relationship can have emotion, but it needs to be solely platonic. So, make your decision. Platonic, or platonic with sex?"

"Dude!" Emmett called from the kitchen, across the island, completely naked. "Where did you find her? You always find the best chicks, and you never know what to do with them. I hate you."

He grumbled to himself as he walked back to what I assumed was Rose's room with a bundle of grapes and two bottles of water.

"This happens to you often?" I couldn't help but ask. It really just made it's own way out of my mouth.

"Well, you see... there is this girl? Tanya? I think you are in her cabin..."

"You fucked the pathological liar?"

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><p><strong>Thank you for reading! Please review and tell me what you think.<strong>


	7. We're all congregating around Mr Cuervo

**I own nothing.**

**This chapter was Beta'd by Breath-of-twilight. :)**

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><p>I stared at Edward, completely clueless as to what the appropriate reaction to this piece of information would be. Why the hell would he sleep with the lying girl? She was weird and wore too much make up, and... oh, what was that other thing? That's right,<em> she was a pathological liar<em>.

I stewed for a moment, watching him squirm, and then had a horrific realization: I wasn't allowed to be mad about this, and I definitely didn't deserve an explanation. I said I wanted to be his friend with no further emotions involved, and that meant no talk of ex sex partners, no matter how crazy. I took a deep breath and got off of his lap slowly.

"Okay," I said with a nod. "So, you slept with the lying girl who wants to be Paris Hilton. We've all done stupid shit, right? Okay." I fiddled with my clothes, trying to get them to lie in a position that would make me forget he was totally just touching my vag with the same hand he probably used to touch hers. No dice.

"Okay. So, I'm going to go." I motioned in the general direction of the front door. "And I will see you... later. Yes. Okay."

Edward stood up and grabbed my wrist lightly.

"Can you stop saying 'okay' so much? It's freaking me out." He gave me a tentative smile. I had the strange urge to recoil. Fuck. I knew that odd sensation going through my body. _Feelings_. Don't get me wrong, I had feelings all the time, I was just super great at suppressing them or (literally) cutting them out. This was a different feeling, though. It was the feeling that I could be happy if I had him, and that I would probably be very unhappy without him. I hated that feeling. Never ended well.

"Ah, shit," I huffed and flopped back onto the couch behind me. "This is bad."

"It's really not that bad," Edward said as he sat down slowly on the couch beside me. Because nothing that boy has ever done has been graceful, he somehow managed to step all over my toes as he sat down. I let it slide. "It only lasted like three weeks when I first got here for my program. I was stupid; and since I was a guest, no one told me what kind of program she was in. I swear, I thought everything she was telling me was the truth." He held up his hands, as if his palms held the answers to all of my questions. Alas, I've never been good with crystal balls.

"That's not what I meant." I was being a petulant child. I knew that, but I couldn't stop it from happening. It was like I was seeing how much I could annoy myself before I kicked myself in the shins.

"What's wrong?"

"I want to know what happened with Tanya," I told him, avoiding eye contact.

"Why didn't you just ask? You can ask those types of questions, you know." He sort of bumped into me with the side of his body, giving me a crooked smile. He clearly did not get the memo that when I am having an emotional revelation, smirking was against the rules. I narrowed my eyes at him as I spoke.

"That's just the problem. I _can't_ ask you those types of questions. The whole problem here isn't that I don't know what happened with Tanya, it's that I _want_ to know what happened with Tanya. I should not want to know that. You should basically just be a very pretty, walking penis to me. But you're not. Because now I care where you were, and why you were there, and why you aren't there anymore. And now I'm all confused, and I'm getting frustrated and..." about there I trailed off, because he placed his hand over my mouth, making me sound like the adults in the Peanuts cartoons. (Womp womp.)

"Dear God, woman. Do you ever relax? I mean, is it the worst thing ever for you to like me?" He started off speaking my language, but by the end he just looked hurt. I was getting really good at bringing that look out of him. It was like continually kicking an adorable puppy, over and over, and not knowing why you're doing it or how to stop.

Except this puppy can talk and has super magic sex powers. I sighed and pulled his hand away.

"Right now, I am officially freaking out. My guess is, that in about ten minutes, I'm going to shut down; and in that case I'll need Alice. Can we just pause here and finish this tomorrow?" Look at me being all nice.

Thankfully, Edward seemed to think this was the perfect idea.

"No problem. I'll walk you home. You'll talk to Alice, realize you have a soul, and everything will work out fine." He got up, grabbed my hand, and insisted on holding it for the entire walk to my cabin.

When we finally got to W5, Alice was sitting on the steps talking to Jasper. They both smiled knowingly as we approached. Jasper took a big breath in, looking ready to get all chatty, but Edward held up a hand to stop him.

"Woman time," Edward said, motioning between Alice and me. Alice jumped up, kissed Jasper goodbye, and grabbed my hand to haul me onto the porch.

"Thank you for a lovely evening, gentlemen," she said with an overtly grandiose curtsey. "Edward, don't worry, it'll go... better than you think." Edward looked confused, but happily waved goodbye, regardless. The moment Alice thought they were out of earshot, she began to speak.

"I saw you two getting all, well... bow chi-"

"Oh, come on, Alice! You stayed? That's just rude, on so many levels..." I wasn't actually that pissed about it, but getting angry with Alice was a lot easier than facing whatever the hell was going on in my head. Alice pulled me down to sit next to her and handed me a smoke.

"You're an idiot. I meant I _saw_ you. Like, I saw it happen before it happened. But then what happened?"

Was that supposed to make sense?

"One second you were on an auditioning couch for a cheap porno – by the way, told you the underwear was a good idea – and the next you were showing up here looking shell-shocked. The hell?" It was amazing how much more sense she made when she stopped speaking _Alice_. I took a drag of my cigarette and explained the situation, about his whole no BJ thing, and about Tanya, and about the very small, very tiny possibility that I had a crush on him. Miniscule, really.

"I told you that you would fall in love with him. I really need to start betting money on this stuff. You know, I have a perfect track record," she held her head up a little higher.

"I'm very proud." I was being a brat. I took a deep breath and tried to calm down a little. "What do I do?"

"What do you want to do?"

"I want to not like him, while still liking him, and also having sex with him. How do I do that?" That made a lot more sense before I spoke it aloud, for the record.

"Oh my god, stop being such a wuss. Just let it play out and see what happens. No one said that if you admit to liking him it means you're married." I think that's when she gave up on the conversation because she got up and went into the cabin. I knew it was getting late, but I was anything but tired. I pulled out my phone to play angry birds and noticed I had two text messages.

_I hope u r nt shuttng dwn. Cnt sleep thnking u r upset._

_ Btw this is Edward_

The fact that he texted me had me feeling mildly giddy (against my will), but I just wanted to strangle him for not knowing how to type like a human instead of closer to a twelve year old girl. I texted him back anyway.

_Please type like an adult. Your text speak makes me nauseous._

Then, before I lost my nerve, I texted him again.

_What are you doing? I can't sleep, either._

After I had another cigarette, and still got no text back, I gave up and went inside to change into pajamas. Alice had set them out for me already because she was a freak. After reveling in the joy of taking off my bra, I changed into the shorts and tank top and sat down on my bed. Alice was already asleep with the blankets pulled up so high that all I could see were her tiny pigtails sticking out of the top. The resemblance to Cindy Loo Who was uncanny. I was in the middle of deciding if she would think it was funny if I tickled the back of her neck, when I saw my phone light up out of the corner of my eye. A text from Edward.

_Care for a little late night rule breaking?_

I looked out the window and saw the errant beam of a flashlight. All I could think was 'this oughta be good.'

I was so, so right.

The second I walked outside, I was instantly confused; on the grass in front of the cabin was Edward, accompanied by Jasper, Emmett, Rose and Alice. Alice whom I just saw sleeping in her bed. I stood, silent, waiting for someone to tell me what the hell was going on. Emmett spoke up first, or perhaps the loudest, since it looked like Edward was speaking at the same time.

"Who wants to get in some trouble?" Emmett asked, pulling a large bottle of Jose Cuervo out from behind his back. I nearly wept. This, THIS, would help me feel better.

"I'm in," I said instantly before looking at Alice. "Who the hell is in your bed?" I asked, annoyed by the fact that I didn't even notice it wasn't her. Jasper looked horrified.

"That would be one of Angela's stuffed animals wearing Paris Hilton extensions. Pretty clever, huh?" She looked so proud of herself. I loved that freakish midget.

Enjoying the pleasant turn of the evening, and the fact that I had hoped for just an occasion when I made plans to come to SAP, I let go of my hang-ups and grabbed onto Edward's hand as we fell into step behind Emmett as we walked away from the housing cabins. Could you blame me? Tequila, with new friends, and my sex god mentor, at midnight… at summer camp. Sometimes, life was good.

When we began to approach the basketball courts, I became simultaneously excited and nervous. I liked the meadow but feared the meadow. It was a place of cuddling and Bukowski, but also a place of head injuries and lost consciousness. When did that become my life?

Rose set out the blankets she had been carrying, and we all sat in a circle around the few flashlights we had. Emmett opened up the bottle and took a swig. Edward was still holding my hand.

"Okay," Emmett said as he set the bottle in the very center of our circle. (Hey, at least I could tell Charlie and Sue that I sat in a circle under the stars and got to know my fellow campers.)

"We're gonna play 'Never Have I Ever'." He took a pause to burp. "Everybody hold up five fingers. We go around the circle and say 'never have I ever...' and then say something we haven't done. Try to say something you know someone else has done, because if they've done it, they have to put down a finger. Each down finger is a drink. First person to put down all five, drinks for three seconds. Got it? Good."

I was terribly glad I understood, because he totally was not about to repeat that again. I held up five fingers on my right hand, as my left was still trapped in Edward's right.

"I'll start," Emmett said with a big grin. I was concerned. "Never have I ever..." he tapped his chin for a moment, drawing it out. "...gotten a hand job less than twenty feet from Dr. Cullen."

Edward's right hand squeezed mine so tightly I thought my fingers were going to snap off. I slowly turned my head to stare at his left hand, which now only held up four fingers. Mother. Fucker.

"Oh my God, come _on!_" I couldn't even help it, it just started spewing out of my mouth. Words, so many words, and I couldn't stop it. "The pathological liar wanked you off in front of Carlisle? What the hell is wrong with you?" I wanted to throw up. Instead, I ripped my hand out of Edwards, took the cap off of the tequila, and took a large gulp as I threw the offensive piece of aluminum in the direction of the woods. And by "in the direction of the woods" I mean "directly between Edward's eyes."

"Wait, Bella. It wasn't like that. Anything can sound that bad taken out of context." He was whipping his head back and forth – to plead with his eyes at me, and to glare at Emmett, who couldn't stop laughing. Rosalie smacked him so hard that the sound reverberated off of the trees. I liked her.

"Really, Bella," Edward said, trying to grab my hand again. "She thought it would be hot, but it was just weird. And I couldn't say anything because we were all eating lunch, and I couldn't just be like 'yeah, stop that, Tanya' when no one saw her doing anything and... Jesus. I'm sorry. For the record, it was horrible, and kind of chaffed, and I didn't come." He was practically panting by that point, trying to pull in enough air to explain the situation to me. I took a few more big gulps of tequila and then set the bottle down.

"May I go next?" I asked him. He nodded slowly; part wary, part optimistic.

"Never have I ever had sex with my boyfriend in the teacher's lounge during prom," I said as I put one finger down, so that both Edward and I only had four now. I reached for the bottle and took a sip before handing it to Edward. After he took a sip, he looked at me with a lot of confusion.

"We all make mistakes," I whispered as I leaned in. "I can't judge you for your stupid shit when I've done some things that were infinitely more stupid." We smiled dumbly at each other for a moment, and I enjoyed blissing with him.

"Plus," I said, "now I know that even if I'm really really bad in bed, I'll still be better than Tanya. That PL has nothing on me." It's the little things in life, really.

"Okay, I'm just going to pretend that I didn't witness that moment," Emmett said while fake gagging. "Alice, you can go."

"Never have I ever masturbated while touching my asshole. With anything." She sounded completely devoid of emotion, which made me think that she'd seen this whole thing before. Her next statement proved that was true. "Emmett, put a damn finger down. Rose would have sold you out, anyway."

"Does he have to put down two fingers for being a pussy?" Jasper asked Alice with a wicked grin.

"Hey, man! Enjoying having a prostate does not make me a pussy," Emmett yelled across the circle.

"That's true," Jasper said, "It doesn't. But being embarrassed enough not to admit you like it off the bat makes you a pussy. Two fingers, and three drinks," he said as he handed Emmett the bottle.

"Honestly," Rosalie said, shaking her head in mock horror.

"Some people," Jasper added. "Never have I ever thought it was a good idea to have sex on my parents' bed," he said, clearly having this one planned.

Rosalie looked livid, but Emmett spoke up before she had the chance.

"All right, man, you told us they'd be away all weekend! How were we supposed to know that they'd show up during the finale? As far as I'm concerned, it's your fault that your parents saw the cumshot." He held up his hands in innocence and looked down his nose at Jasper.

"He's kind of got a point, J," Rose said with a shrug and a big gulp of tequila. She handed the bottle to Emmett before continuing. "If you wouldn't have lied, mom and dad would have never walked in, and that summer could have gone a lot differently." She didn't seem upset by the discussion, so I figured nothing too horrible had happened.

"Rosalie, you wore an eye patch for two months because Emmett somehow managed to jizz under your contact. It's not my fault that you let him cum on your face, let alone anywhere near it. You can really only blame yourself. Have you discussed this with Carlisle?" He gave her a wicked smile, and looked to Emmett, assuming it was his turn next. Emmett had a cavalier expression, as if they were perhaps discussing the weather.

"Hmmm," he took another gulp of the tequila. It was then that I understood why a handle was necessary. "Never have I ever tried to Nair my pubes and burnt my balls." He ended this statement with an aggressive, and yet somehow friendly, nod at Jasper who looked properly ashamed. He grabbed the tequila and took his drink.

"You can't Nair your head," I shook my head at him. This led to everyone laughing, and me getting very confused.

"No, no, no, bitty Bella," Emmett said while gripping his side, "I mean his literal pubes. Not his head pubes."

Alice glared at me so hard that I thought I felt a tooth loosen. Does the ability to see the future come with the ability to make people need dentures? I wouldn't put it past her.

"_Anyway,_" she said, saving Jasper from more pube jokes, "never have I ever seen Jasper's penis."

I didn't understand why she would consider that a good NHIE, until I saw both Emmett and Edward put down a finger. Rosalie and I both looked at them waiting for an explanation. A part of me wondered if I really wanted one.

"So, Jasper likes to sleep naked," Edward began.

"And one night, when J and I were mentoring and Edward was a guest, J started sleep walking," Emmett informed us.

"Long story short, Jasper came over to my bed and sat on my pillow." Edward made a small shuddering motion, and placed his hand on my thigh just above my knee.

"Yeah, with a fuckin' woody," Emmett. We all had some tequila after that one.

The game continued on that way until 2:30 or so, with Emmett losing almost every time.

We were all lying on our backs, smoking cigarettes from Alice's collection, and staring at the stars. I was drunk enough to think Edward holding my hand was the highlight of my life and to want it to never end. I told him as much.

Edward put out both of our cigarettes and rolled on top of me so we could make eye contact.

"You know," he whispered quietly, so only I could hear it, "you're the most beautiful person I've ever met."

"Prettier than the PL? I mean, I know I probably give a better hand shandy, but..." I stuck my tongue out at him, because that's what stupid drunk girls do, and I was one of those. Edward shut me up the best way possible – with a giant, if not a bit sloppy, kiss.

We kissed like maniacs and failed to notice everyone around us doing the same as they slowly rolled off in other directions. Soon, we were all in a different part of the meadow, making out like eighth graders at a PG13 movie. It was fantastic.

Edward carefully placed himself between my legs and began to kiss his way down my neck and towards my collar bones. His hand slowly crept its way up under my top, making its way north towards the girls. Under normal circumstances, I would have been unimpressed, and probably would have mocked him, because I have the least sensitive nipples on the planet. However, that night, I was drunk and loving falling in... like. So I was all panty and shaky the closer he got to the fun bags.

He slowly traced the skin around one and made smaller circles until he was circling my left nipple. I broke out in goose bumps everywhere. That's about when I got impatient and grabbed his arm to move it south. My panties were soaked, and now that my lady bits knew what his fingers could do, they wanted an encore. However, when he finally pushed my panties aside and began to make his way toward the spot I wanted him to touch most, Alice yelled. Loudly.

"Oh no!" She screamed and stood up quickly, dragging Jasper with her. "Rain! Lots and lots of rain. Like, less than a minute from now. RUN!" Jasper, Emmett and Rose followed quickly behind her, while Edward and I stayed exactly where we were. I could feel the pressure in the air change, but I wasn't sure if that was from Edward or the impending rain storm.

He roughly shoved two fingers inside of me and lowered his mouth to my ear.

"You don't have any problems with rain, do you?" He asked me, but I was way beyond speech, so I shook my head once. The rain began to fall as he moved his hands faster and kissed my mouth hard enough that it would have hurt if I was sober. It didn't take long for his efforts to pay off and for me to be arching against his hand and away from the drenched blanket below us, holding on to him for dear life.

Maybe I liked him, after all.

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><p><strong>Sorry for the delay - finally got home from visiting family, and lack of internet + sinus infection + realllyyy cute boyfriend I haven't seen for a month = longer time between updates. Not to worry, I'm back on track now.<strong>

**Please review and let me know what you think!**


	8. Hangovers and Ex Girlfriends

**I don't own anything.**

**Thank you to the wonderful Breath-of-twilight for Beta-ing this for me. And for not killing me for never knowing when I should or should not use a comma.**

**...or when I accidentally post the unbeta'd chapter. smh.**

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><p>Waking up Sunday morning was a complete and total mind-fuck. I slowly opened one eye while trying to take inventory of myself and my surroundings. My tongue seemed to be comprised mostly of cotton, and every joint in my body hurt. I was wearing my underwear backwards, and my toes felt as if there was dirt between them. I suppose this might have been my first hindsight moment at SAP – this one coming with the realization that I really can't drink as much as Emmett.<p>

I faced the other way to get a look at Alice, who was the only other person in the cabin. She was finishing up her makeup, looking chipper, and humming to herself. I hated people who never got hungover; I'm still convinced there is a special place in Hell for them.

"Good morning, Sunshine!" Alice said in her normal volume of voice, which at that moment seemed to be at about the same decibel as a gunshot.

"How are you feeling?" she asked, and then held up a hand as if to stop me from responding -like that would happen. I still hadn't remembered how to make my mouth move yet. I chose to groan instead.

"Better yet, how much do you remember? You drink like a sailor, by the way. Such a lady." She smirked and ruffled my hair. I would have tried to think of a witty response, but I practically began seizing when she threw the blankets off of me. I looked down at myself, horrified.

I had dirt caked under my fingernails and all over my feet, and even with my shorts on it was very apparent that my underwear was on backwards. Ah, the joys of thongs are never ending.

"What the hell happened? I remember rain, and Edward was…" I stopped, because the last thing I recalled was Edward performing his finger sex magic on me in the middle of a thunderstorm. "Ah, shit." I let my head fall back on the pillow and threw an arm over my eyes.

"You didn't, by any chance, see what happened, did you?" Part of me hoped she would say yes, but I was mostly too ashamed for even her to see what I'd done. Most of the time, I liked to think that things I didn't remember were things I _shouldn't_ remember. This appeared to fall into that category.

"Even if I had, I wouldn't ruin this moment by telling you. Now, up! Edward is going to be by soon with breakfast for you." She physically sat me up in bed. "He rightly assumed that you would be in no condition to leave the cabin."

Showering helped immensely, as did a good ten minutes of brushing of my teeth. I almost felt like a human being, instead of a dried up piece of spaghetti that might snap at any moment. I made several mental notes to never drink again. (For the record, none of them stuck.)

I lay back on my bed, after changing the sheets, and played Angry Birds until Edward arrived. He knocked tentatively on the doorway before walking in, holding a plastic bag filled with Styrofoam containers, presumably filled with food from the cafeteria.

"Morning," he said quietly. "I was going to order in breakfast, but I figured the greasy cafeteria food would be better for our stomachs. How are you feeling?"

He sat down on the foot of my bed and began removing containers from the bag and opening them. Scrambled eggs, sausage, hash browns, French toast – nothing I would eat.

"Don't make that face, Bella." He handed me a fork. "Your stomach would probably punch you from the inside if all you had for breakfast was an orange." He pulled a cup of coffee from behind his back and motioned to it a-la Vannah White style.

"This all could be yours for the low, low price of one piece of French toast and some sausage." He gave me one of his smirks, which I countered with a glare.

"You can't be silent forever. Come on, eat up before your coffee gets cold." He waved the cup in front of my face. My hands moved of their own volition, shoving a piece of French toast and half of a sausage patty into my mouth. I had barely begun chewing before I ripped the cup out of his hands and began to gulp it down.

"Atta girl!"

I glared at him over the rim of my cup, chugging the rest down.

"Really, though," he said, sounding more serious. "How are you feeling? You gave Emmett a run for his money last night. Probably not the smartest idea, but definitely entertaining." He swiped an errant spot of syrup from my chin and licked it off of his finger. It shouldn't have been hot, especially because I wanted to kill him, but it totally was. By the way, who looks attractive in khaki shorts? No one should look that good in khaki. It was unnatural.

"Well…" I took his cup of coffee and had a few gulps before handing it back. "My brain feels like it is floating in formaldehyde, and no matter how many times I brush my teeth my mouth tastes of cigarette ash and tequila. Oh, right, and I can barely remember anything after the massive thunderstorm. Care to enlighten me?"

When I was feeling that shitty, it was so hard to not bite his head off just for breathing. I kept giving myself mental pats on the back for dialing back the sarcasm and general hate running through my veins over my poor decision making.

"Ah, yes, I know the feeling. Like you chose to die by five thousand paper cuts instead of one shot to the head." He nodded solemnly before taking a sip of his coffee and handing me the rest.

"Well, let's see. Everyone left before it rained. We stayed, engaged in a little base rounding… Then, after you enjoyed third base thoroughly – as did I – you started telling me my hands were made of rainbows, and then you sort of fell asleep." He shrugged and popped an entire sausage patty in his mouth.

"So, after I finally woke you back up, I walked you back here and handed you off to Alice. By the way, you look fantastic. I mean, you'd look beautiful bald, but considering how you must be feeling right now, you look phenomenal." He leaned over and gave me a chaste kiss on the cheek.

"Let me get this straight," I said as embarrassment seeped into my bones. "You performed another round of finger magic, I spouted off random and mostly nonsensical things about your hands, and then I passed out?"

He nodded.

"I am never drinking again."

After breakfast, Edward and I sat on the front steps of the cabin and smoked more of Alice's cigarettes, because her supply was apparently never-ending, and there was nothing else to do.

"So, what do we do on Sundays? Am I free all day like I was yesterday? Because, to be honest, I don't think me being left alone is such a good idea. If you'll recall, I cracked my head open, and then got so drunk that I woke up with mud on my sheets." No one deserves that kind of wake up.

"Well, I feel like most of that was my fault." He paused to exhale his smoke at the cherry of his cigarette. The morning was cloudy and dark, and the cherry burned redder, making his cheeks light up. Not that I noticed or anything.

"Either way, you're free on Sundays. You just have to hand in your activities card at dinner, but Esme will give that to you in the cafeteria."

I was beginning to think that Edward was the only person in the entire camp who felt I should know anything. Sure, there was a possibility that the other mentors assumed he or Rosalie would fill me in, but still.

"If anyone tries to get me to engage in any activity that requires a helmet, a bathing suit, or hand eye coordination, I am not beyond temper tantrums." Edward put a reassuring arm around me and pulled me close. I thought he smelled my hair, but I wasn't going to call him out on it.

"It's okay. You don't have to do sports. No worries, I used to-"

And then the screaming started. Loud, screechy, squealy screaming. I looked up to see Tanya running at us like a woman possessed; long blonde hair flying behind her, overdone eyes scrunched so tight they were almost closed, and her mouth open wide enough to swallow my head whole. Edward made a squeaking sound and pulled me roughly behind him. With my head against his ass, lying on my back, I could hear him trying to placate the PL.

"Tanya, calm down." As he spoke, I became aware of the giant, unidentifiable bug on the roof of the porch above us. Some things you cannot un-see.

"Edward! What are you doing? You told me you loved me!" She was panting, and it sounded like she stomped her foot for emphasis. I slowly moved onto my knees behind Edward to peek over his shoulder.

"No, I didn't. You need to calm down, or we are going to have to go visit Dr. Cullen."

"Don't call me a liar! What are you doing with her? Did you know she beat up her last boyfriend? He ended up in the _hospital,_ Edward!" She was pointing a shaky finger in my general direction over Edward's shoulder. I raised an eyebrow, about to unleash the fury, but Edward grabbed my knee behind his back and squeezed.

"He did not. Come on, let's go talk with Carlisle. We've been over this several times. I'm not your boyfriend. I did not promise to love you, and just because you make up lies about other people does not mean they are true." I had to lower my forehead onto his shoulder so I would stop looking at Looney McWacko, because every second I saw her blink fake mascara tears down her face I wanted to slap the lies right out of her head.

"Edward! I'm telling you the truth! She beat him up! Everyone knows it. She is _crazy_! You don't want to be near her, she'll hurt you…" I stopped listening then, mainly because her voice kept getting higher in pitch, and my ears couldn't handle that in my hungover state.

Edward turned around and gave me an apologetic look.

"I have to take her to see Carlisle before she does something stupid. I understand if you don't want to, but I think it might help if you come along. Sort of clear the air between the three of us, yeah?"

I looked behind him to see Tanya, hands on hips, tapping her foot impatiently. When I looked back at Edward and saw the look in his eyes that clearly said "please, please don't make me do this alone"… I couldn't say no. Man, I was a sucker.

"Well, it's not like I have anything else to do."

I grabbed my handbag, threw another pack of smokes in, and after finding a notepad, left Alice a quick note on her pillow.

_Alice,_

_ Went with Edward (and Tanya) to go see Dr. Cullen. I'll explain when I get back._

_ If you don't hear from me by lunch, text me to make sure she hasn't killed me._

_ Bitch is nuts._

_ -Bella_

I considered writing a different one, in case Esme came across it, but then I realized I didn't care.

The walk to Carlisle's cabin was painfully awkward. Edward walked between Tanya and me and tried to keep a light conversation going, which failed miserably.

"So, Tanya, what activities are you doing this week? Bella doesn't really like sports either, so maybe you could help her pick a few?" It took almost all of my energy not to face-palm. What'd he think would happen? She'd find out that I don't like to sweat, and then we'd be best friends? Highly doubtful.

"Why? So she can steal those from me, too? It's not enough that she stole the _love of my life?_" She made a whimpering sound that was probably supposed to be a sob. I wanted to punch her.

"Oh look! We're here!" Edward's ears were turning pink, and he was looking mildly nauseous. Oddly, this didn't make him less attractive. He ushered Tanya ahead of him, and when her back was turned, he gave me a quick kiss on the forehead.

"I'm sorry for whatever happens in here. Please, please, please don't like me less because a girl I dated for under a month is a lunatic," he whispered quickly. I didn't get a chance to respond before he turned back around and dashed up the stairs to speak to Dr. Cullen before Tanya had the chance.

"Hi, Carlisle." He extended his hand and whispered something I couldn't hear. "Tanya, Bella, and I were wondering if you had some time for a group session? I don't think it will take long. We just need to clear a few things up and thought an outside party might help the cause."

The kid may not know how to walk on a flat surface without tripping, but he knew how to articulate "help us calm the batshit-crazy PL" into something family appropriate. I was impressed.

"Not a problem, I have the next hour or so free. Come on back." He made a broad gesture with his hand and led the way to the room I had my initial meeting in with him. It looked a lot less homey when Tanya was sitting on the couch, patting the spot beside her for Edward to sit.

"Actually, Tanya," Dr. Cullen interrupted her in a gentle tone. "I think we all might communicate best if we push all of the chairs into a circle. That way, everyone has equal footing and can see each other well. Edward, would you mind?" He tilted his head in the direction of some stacked chairs in the corner, and the two of them pushed them into a loose circle in the center of the room.

Once we were all seated, Carlisle grabbed a notepad and pen and settled himself in. After making a few notations, he looked up at the three of us with a soothing smile.

"So, everyone, what are we discussing today?" He made eye contact with all of us as he spoke, and I had to fight the urge to point at Tanya and cough out 'psycho.'

"Well," Edward decided to take the reins. Thank _god._ "Today, Tanya became aware of the fact that Bella and I have become close friends and has been having issues sorting out what she _wants_ to have happened with what _actually_ happened. We just need to clear up the past Tanya and I shared and how it should not reflect on whatever happens with Bella and I in the future."

I was beyond thrilled that Edward didn't try to fluff up what we were; he never used the word "girlfriend," and he didn't make any assumptions about us having a future together. Maybe he understood me more than I thought.

Just when I was starting to feel like this might go better than I thought, I peered up in time to see the look Dr. Cullen gave Edward. He didn't look ornery, but more confused than anything else. Thankfully, he didn't address it aloud.

"Tanya, do you have anything to add here?" Carlisle asked in his calming way.

"Yes, I do. First of all," she held up one finger, with the intent to tick off points. I was so not looking forward to whatever hellfire was about to spew out of her gob. "I don't know about you, Dr. Cullen, but I don't _cuddle_ with my friends. In _public._ Honestly, no one wants to see that. They are obviously more than friends."

Dr. Cullen dutifully nodded his head to indicate he was listening, and only shot Edward one 'you have so much explaining to do' glance.

"Second, Edward and I never broke up. He went away after his program was over to get his GED, and we were still dating. I have been waiting patiently for him, only to find that he has been sleeping with… _ew_," she paused to point at me. "With _her._"

"Let's try to be civil here, Tanya. Please?" Dr. Cullen seemed to be suppressing an eye roll. I couldn't blame him.

"Whatever," she mumbled before ticking off more points on her French manicured fingers. I remember wondering where the hell she got a manicure in the middle of nowhere.

"Third, she is clearly a danger to him. I mean, she put her last boyfriend in the hospital. Who does that?"

Dr. Cullen was about to interject, but she just plowed on through.

"And finally, Edward and I are still in love. What is he doing with her? It doesn't make any sense." She made an unattractive huffing sound and flounced back in her seat to sulk. I smiled and looked to Dr. Cullen while I waited my turn.

"Bella, you look like you have some things to share. Go ahead," Dr. Cullen said as he wrote a few notes down.

"Aside from the fact that I've never put anyone in the hospital before, I am also not sleeping with Edward. I only met him two days ago; even I don't move that fast," I said, trying hard not to look at Dr. Cullen when I talked about sex. It felt wrong and awkward.

"Okay. Thank you, Bella," Dr. Cullen said with a genuine smile. "I think that we should address the former relationship you two shared." He motioned at Edward and Tanya and flipped his notebook to a fresh page. That immediately seemed like a bad sign.

"Tanya and I dated for about three weeks, as you know. I most definitely broke things off, several months before my program was finished. It was a very light relationship; no talk about love, or marriage, or anything of the sort. I still hope that we can become friends, but it is becoming increasingly more difficult as time goes on."

Edward shifted a bit in his chair then to make eye-contact with Tanya. Dr. Cullen sat up in his seat more and looked on with rapt interest.

"Tanya," Edward said very seriously. "While I am flattered by your affections, you need to realize that they are not reciprocated. You're a lovely person, but I am not in love with you. Please, accept that." He held up a hand when she took a breath in to respond.

"Really. We are not dating," he waved a hand between the two of them. "We stopped dating a long time ago. You need to let me move on, and more importantly, you need to as well."

"Very well put, Edward," Dr. Cullen said. "Tanya, do you understand what's going on here now?"

Tanya frowned, and for the first time since I'd met her, looked to be at a loss for words. Her eyes welled with tears momentarily, but she blinked them back and nodded slowly.

"Yes," she said quietly into her lap. "I understand. May I be excused now? I think I'd like to go back to my cabin. Is that okay, Dr. Cullen?"

A part of me did feel a little sorry for her. It was a very tiny part, though; the larger part of me snickered internally.

Dr. Cullen nodded, and waited for the sound of her shutting the front door of the cabin before he spoke again.

"Okay, you two. First of all, thank you for handling that maturely. I know Tanya is difficult to deal with sometimes, but she is trying very hard to improve and is making a lot of progress. Is there anything you two needed to discuss with me while you're here?"

Edward and I exchanged a look; his questioning, mine horrified. Smart boy picked up on that one quickly.

"I think we're okay, Carlisle. Thank you, though. We're just gonna head out and-" Edward was cut off there by Dr. Cullen.

"Actually, Edward, I was wondering if I might have a word? It won't take long. I just wanted to talk to you about our next session. Do you mind?"

Edward blanched slightly.

"No problem. Let me just see Bella out real quick."

I said a quick goodbye to Dr. Cullen and followed Edward to the front porch of the cabin. I had a bad feeling about what they were going to talk about but didn't want to worry Edward by telling him.

When we got outside, I was surprised to see that the sky had cleared and the temperature had risen straight to balmy.

"I'm sorry," he said, pointing in the direction of the cabin. "It could have gone worse, right?"

"It's okay. I'm just gonna go back to my cabin, probably talk to Alice about how nuts your ex-girlfriend is. You sure know how to pick 'em. I'll talk to you later, okay?"

Edward nodded, gave me a quick peck on the cheek, and walked back inside like he was headed to the gallows. Apparently, he thought that conversation was going to go about as well as I did.

On the walk back to my cabin, I thought about what everything that had happened that morning meant for Edward and me. Not only was I fooling around with a mentor at camp (a no-no, I'm sure), but his ex wanted my head on a plate. I was pretty positive that at some point over the upcoming months, one or both of those situations would lead to something bad happening.

He was just so damn _hot_, it was unreal. I didn't want to say goodbye to the rib muscles or magic fingers, so I convinced myself that I could handle whatever came my way.

Alice came running at me about halfway through my walk, pigtails bouncing with each step.

"You had a group session with _Tanya?_ How was it? Why did you need one? Does she know about you and Edward? Oh! What'd Dr. Cullen say?" She linked arms with me and walked me in the direction of the lake.

"How many of those questions do you already know the answer to?"

"Most of them," she admitted a bit sheepishly.

"Well, at least now I know why you didn't want me to smell like a liquor cabinet this morning." Sometimes, the little weirdo really did have my best interests at heart. It was just a little annoying that she picked and chose which things she wanted to tell me about before they happened. She was cute, but annoying. Like a puppy.

"The only thing I don't know already is what Dr. Cullen had to say about you and Edward."

We came to the end of one of the docks and kicked off our shoes, before sitting and putting our feet in the water. It was colder than I was expecting, but it felt nice compared to how warm and humid it was outside of the water.

"He didn't say anything, really. But he's with Edward now."

"That can't be good," she said with a small shudder.

"Tell me about it."

* * *

><p><strong>Hello everyone! First of all, thank you for all of the alerts and reviews! They totally make my day. I also don't think my email inbox has ever gotten this much action. Let's keep it up, k? :)<strong>

**I will be participating in the Countdown to 2012. I'm putting in a few one shots, so go check it out! .net/s/7348457/1/Countdown_to_2012_Farewell_to_2011**

**Next chapter will be a different point of view - any guesses? I wanna hear 'em. :D**


	9. Paging Dr Cullen

Well, this chapter required a lot of help.

First, I needed the help of KiyaRaven, because she makes may lemons make sense. And not be ridiculous.

Also, Breath-of-twilight makes... everything else make sense. Because she legit makes ramblings into sentences and love. Without her my story would be ridiculous. These two ladies have helped so much. Beyond normal reason. I love them. Theeend.

xoxo

CPOV

As I watched Tanya's reaction to Edward's blatant rejection, I began to devise a plan.

Edward was withdrawn, and a bit of a doormat. He'd gotten much better since he first got here at the beginning of his program, but he was still far from where I knew he could be. Bella, on the other hand, was outspoken and projected immense confidence to cover up how she was really feeling. Clearly, they were more than friends.

I could work with that.

So, after Edward showed Bella out, I had him sit in the chair across from me. I did everything I could to make sure he didn't feel like the situation we were in was a session. This needed to feel like two guys talking, man to man.

"Okay, first of all, you aren't in trouble."

Edward visibly relaxed so quickly I feared he might fall out of his chair; and let's face it, with that kid, it was a total possibility. His dad did such a number on him that he was constantly squirrelly. Once he was breathing normally again, and some color had returned to his face, I continued to speak.

"To be honest, I was hoping you could help me out with something. It's important, though, and needs to stay only between us. Is that okay with you?"

Edward's brows knitted together so tightly that they appeared to become one, and he slowly nodded his head. He looked a bit wary, and very interested.

"Before I ask for your help, I would like to know about the relationship you and Bella have. You don't have to share anything that will make you uncomfortable, or that you feel should be left private. I mostly just need to know the nature of your relationship, and if you see it as something fleeting or more long-term."

Edward calmly stood and went to the water cooler in the corner behind me, a classic move of his whenever he had to discuss something he didn't want to; if I wasn't looking at him, he seemed to be able to express himself better.

"I really like her a lot, Carlisle. And, I think she likes me, too. She's just got a lot of problems. It's like she constantly has one foot out of the door, you know? It's like, when she looks at me, I can tell she's trying to figure out how long it's going to be before I screw something up. It's really…" He walked slowly back over to his chair, little paper cone of water in his hand, and looked at his shoes.

"Nerve-wracking?" I supplied.

"Yes!" His head snapped up, and he was clearly pleased that we were on the same page. "I promised her that we didn't have to be serious and that I'd keep my emotions at bay. She definitely has them too, though. I think, anyway. It's kind of confusing." He scratched his head a bit, creating an even bigger mess up top. Now, the right side of his head looked like he'd slept on a fist.

He finished the rest of his water and proceeded to rip the flimsy paper to shreds. Under normal circumstances, I would have stopped him and asked him to voice all of his frustrations, instead of taking it out on the cup, but I was trying make him feel as comfortable as possible.

"Okay, so you feel as though Bella's personal problems are the cause behind her hang ups in regards to you?"

Edward nodded his head slowly, staring off into space.

"Well, how would you feel about helping me help Bella?" I paused to gauge his reaction before I continued. He made eye contact with me and waited for me to continue. A good sign.

"I was hoping you could help me work with Bella. It's obvious that she isn't _quite_ a fan of traditional therapeutic environments. So, I was thinking you could help me out by subtly working with her outside of her sessions."

"Is that a good idea? Of course I want to help, and I'm grateful you think I could handle it, but what if I mess up? To be honest, I don't even think she'd agree to the idea. She seems to have drawn a line in the sand, where I'm on one side and everything she thinks and feels is on the other. I don't think that'd be very conducive to-" I had to cut him off. If we went down that road, none of this would work.

"Actually, I was thinking you could do so without her knowledge. Sort of surreptitiously help her. You know, get her to maybe talk her feelings out, help her with her eating habits, maybe work on her self-esteem… Do you see where I'm going with this?" Edward looked horrified.

"You want me to try to secretly give her therapy? Are you _nuts_? Carlisle, I can't walk and drink at the same time, and you want me to play mind games with the shrew? Don't get me wrong, she's lovely, but the girl is terrifying." A light sheen of sweat began to appear on his forehead, and I saw this quickly devolving. Time for the big guns.

"Edward, you are the only one who I can trust with this. You need to open yourself up to her, so that she'll feel you're just as invested as she is. You need to put yourself on level footing with her. She needs to see you as an equal.

"Once you lay that groundwork, she will feel comfortable with you. I can't do that with her, but you can. As she lets you in, you can help her help herself. Do you understand?" As I spoke, his expression changed from abject fear to determination. I don't think I'd ever seen that look on his face before, and that's when I realized that this was the perfect idea.

They were going to help _each other_, without even realizing to what extent.

"Okay," he nodded slowly and spoke quietly, as if to himself. "I can do this. I can do this." He continued to nod his head while verbally psyching himself up.

"What do you need me to do?"

"Wonderful!" I patted his knee and sat back in my chair.

"Just start by opening up and letting her do the same. You're a good person, Edward, you'll see quickly where your help is needed. Of course, you'll also have your sessions with me to discuss any questions you might have about anything."

"Thank you for trusting me with this, Carlisle. It really means a lot." Almost every session I either wanted to give him a hug, or adopt him as the son I never had. Obviously, both of those ideas were wildly inappropriate, but he really was a fantastic kid. Pulled at my heart strings and all that.

"And thank you for your willingness to help. I appreciate it. Now, get out of her and see your lady. Her head is probably reeling after her encounter with Tanya." I ushered him out to the front door and waved goodbye to him from the porch.

Just when I was about to turn to go back inside, I saw Esme making a b-line for my building. You'd think having a gorgeous wife who you get to work with would be the most fantastic thing imaginable. That is, until you factor in your inability to share a bed because of said job. Sometimes life was hard, but when she had that look and was gunning it for my cabin, other things were hard, too. Much better things.

She jogged up the front steps onto the porch and without a word grabbed my arm and pulled me into the cabin, locking the door behind her. She smiled and dragged me to my private office in the back. Well, 'office' really is a bit of an exaggeration. I'm relatively sure that when the cabin was built, it was intended to be a storage closet. Now it housed my desk, my chair, and a wall of bookshelves. I'd tried to put more in the room a few times, but it was already hard to navigate.

Once we were inside with the door closed, my lovely bride wasted no time. She reached under her dress, removed her panties, and handed them to me before sitting on the edge of my desk with her skirt up to her hips and her legs spread. What can I say? I'm a lucky guy.

With an invitation like that, there was only one way to proceed: by thanking her on my knees. You see, that's the key to a good relationship; you have to be willing to do whatever you would like to see your partner do. But, this was not the time for psychology. This was the time for making Esme hit that awkward, shaky high note when she digs her nails into the skin on my arms.

People like to concentrate on the new too much. Don't get me wrong, I think spontaneity is wonderful, but there is a definite joy in knowing certain things; knowing the noises she'll make, knowing what will happen right before she makes them, knowing how deeply she'll scratch me depending on how long ago she got a manicure. The pleasure is in the knowing, and in loving it all. And trust me, I love it _all._

So, down on my knees, I let my tongue say everything without it forming any words. "I love you. You're beautiful. I am definitely not giving you back your panties. If anyone catches us, I'm throwing you under the bus because you are a magnificently evil temptress."

It didn't take long before her heels were on my shoulders and her knees were shaking. This was the moment before the high note – my favorite moment. Her breaths were shallow, her head was tilted back, her muscles stiff, and she was beautiful. Then she let it rip. The high pitched yell came just in time with the rest of her, and I let my fingers feel the action from the inside, where I was soon to be.

By the time she had finished yelling, and she had relaxed enough to free my fingers, my pants were unzipped and I was standing between her legs. It was then that she decided to finally speak. I was eternally grateful.

"I missed you," she kissed my nose, my cheekbones, my lips. "Next weekend we are going away. And then-" I pushed into her slowly, because I honestly couldn't wait anymore. She closed her eyes and grinned before speaking again.

"And then, we are doing this for forty-eight hours straight. Deal?"

Instead of answering, I lowered my face to her neck and tickled the sensitive skin with the two day old stubble on my face. Honestly, I barely saw her on weekends. Why bother shaving? I had no one else to impress.

She moved her hands around me, gripping tightly onto my shoulders, and I reveled in the feeling of being surrounded by all things Esme. It really was my favorite feeling. She sat still for me, gripping me tightly, and let me enjoy moving slowly within her. She rested her head on my shoulder, giving me soft kisses wherever her lips could reach, and I took my time. I didn't have an appointment for another twenty minutes, anyway.

Esme, being the affection-loving, energy source she was, decided it was time for what she always called 'the Fun Part.' Have I mentioned I love her?

Almost faster than I could register, she lifted her legs so that her heels were digging into my ass, and pushed to show exactly the speed she wanted. Far be it from me to deny the lady.

We moved in a practiced tandem; she pushed me, I moved forward, and so did she to meet each thrust. She tried to move herself forward on my desk to get a better angle, which resulted in the juncture of our bodies making a horrible noise. We both stopped moving to laugh it out, which I'm not going to lie, felt amazing from my end.

I was half moaning, half laughing, while Esme threw her head back and let laughter tears run down her face. She was perfect.

"Well, it wouldn't be good sex without some awkward noises and laughter, would it?" She said, squeezing out two or three words between frantic giggles, and I fell in love with her a little bit more. We'd been married almost five years and still that occurrence was pretty much a daily one.

I moved to stand up a bit straighter, and her waning giggles stopped abruptly with a moan. I tilted her face so she was looking at me and moved the same way again.

"I'm sorry, I don't understand, is that the spot you want me to hit?" I did it a few more times, and each time she squeezed my shoulders and moaned through soft smiles.

"I still don't get it, dear. I need some verbal confirmation." I stood stock still and tried to produce the most innocent face I could conjure. In reality, I probably looked more like the cat who ate the canary, but it was all in good fun.

"Dr. Cullen. It is not nice to tease women. We get randy." She cocked an eyebrow and dug her heels so hard into my ass that I almost fell onto her completely.

"Well, if you are going to pull out the 'Dr. Cullen'…" I kissed her lips once and stood up straight again to hit the spot that was clearly the spot of the day. I was not disappointed. She became the sexual maniac I knew and loved.

She was pushing me just below the waist, pulling me at the shoulders, biting my earlobes every time they were close (Hey, the woman knew what I liked.). Every time she touched me, my hips twitched just a little harder. Her skin was warm, and her arms were starting to bead with sweat. I wanted to lick them but reminded myself to stay on course. We weren't done until she looked like she walked through a wind tunnel. It was our way. So, I did what any smart, loving husband would.

I leaned down, trying my damned hardest to continue to hit the same spot, at the same angle, and whispered in her ear.

"Esme, I need you to-" but she wouldn't let me finish. Sometimes, after that long, there are still surprises. She grabbed one of my hands, and moved it down to rub her slowly just above where we were connected. Non-verbal communication is good. I enjoy it.

It didn't take long, at all. One moment she was biting my jaw and moaning, and the next she was a wild woman. She had one hand at the back of my head, pulling tightly on my hair, and the other on the desk to steady herself. She'd thrown her head back to let out that note I loved, and she broke out into a broad smile. There is nothing sexier in the world than that image, and I was only seconds behind her. I kept my eyes open to see every emotion cross her face; I knew my wife, and I knew what each little nuance meant. I could feel what she felt, and it was beautiful.

Each time she clenched, twitched, convulsed, so did I. My skin was on fire; and every time she moaned, I could feel my heart swell just _that_ much more.

When she realized she was, indeed, on planet Earth, she rested her head on my shoulder and took a few shuddering breaths. I followed suit, still inside of her, and gathered myself. If I looked at her too soon, all swollen lips and wild hair, I would be raring to go again. We didn't have the time for that.

I slowly moved away from her, with a great sigh from both of us, and helped her down from my desk. She helped me re-button my pants and re-buckle my belt.

After my belt was buckled, around my perfectly tucked in shirt, she spoke as she fixed my hair.

"Thank you, Hunnies. You just made my entire weekend better!" She kissed my nose and began to primp her hair. I'm sure most people would find her nicknames nauseating, her energy exhausting, her ability to bounce back from anything too envious to endure… but this was _Esme._ All of that made her, her.

"No, thank _you_, Dear. Now, go!" I slapped her ass playfully and ushered her toward the front door. "I have a guest coming in…" I took a brief look at my watch, "shit, four minutes ago, and I don't want her to smell the sex in the air. The girl is so perceptive it is ridiculous."

"Oh, is it Alice?" She was adjusting the way her dress was situated as she walked, which to be honest was quite funny.

"Of course it's Alice." Who else noticed that much in a millisecond? The girl was Sherlock Holmes reincarnate. I had no idea how she did it.

"I know you keep trying to make her think that she is just perceptive, but I really think she can see the future. Just give her a chance, Sweetie." She gave me a big, wonderful, wet kiss on the mouth and ran out of the door just as Alice came in.

"Glad to see you're boning before your sessions. Do you want me to wait here while you disinfect your office?" She gave me a smile that said 'Try and tell me I'm wrong.' Goddamn her.

"Come on back, Alice." I gave her a reassuring smile and ushered her to follow me. No use fighting a losing battle.

Once I was in my chair, notebook in hand, and she was on the couch, I took a deep breath and settled myself down. Sex with Esme was not something one snapped out of quickly. I was doing my best.

"So, Alice, how has your weekend been so far?"

"Well, let me just tell you…" she took a moment, apparently preparing herself to unleash the past two days on me. Sessions with Alice were always so, so entertaining.

"First of all, I have a new best friend. Remember I told you about that? Yeah, well, she totally exists. I told you she would be real. Bella is awesome, even if she refuses to admit I was right about her falling in love with Edward. Which is totally going to happen, by the way. I mean, what does she not get about a perfect track record? Honestly!"

"Alice," I put up a hand to stop her. "These sessions are for us to talk about _you,_ remember?"

"I'm sorry, Dr. Cullen. It just frustrates me." She took a large gulp of air in, then out, just like I told her to do when she got frustrated or overwhelmed.

"So, Jasper finally noticed me." She said the statement as if it were a long time coming, which to her it was. To be honest, I was quite surprised. She'd been insisting for months that he was going to fall in love with her. Sure, the idea of them made sense; they both talked so much that neither could get mad at the other about their constantly flapping gums. I never told her he _wasn't_ going to fall in love with her, but I definitely never cultivated the idea.

"What do you mean by 'noticed,' Alice?" I made a few notes.

_Why have Alice and Bella bonded so quickly?_

_ Alice + Jasper = what for her program?_

"Well, after Bella became friends with him, Edward and Emmett almost _immediately,_ I was finally able to make contact with him. Don't worry, I already realized Bella was my best friend before I knew she was friends with Jasper. That was just a happy coincidence. Anyway, we ate with them the other day, and _bam!_ He just noticed me!"

She bounced a bit on the couch, hands positioned under her thighs, about ready to burst.

_Is Alice cultivating her bond with Bella based on her relationship with Jasper?_

"So, what happened after that?"

"Well, we've kissed a bit here and there. Nothing serious, obviously. I mean, he _just_ broke up with his girlfriend. More will happen in about two weeks, give or take a day or two, but I'm not worried about it." She had the ability to make a crazy statement sound completely sane. I had no idea how she did it.

"How did that make you feel, for him to finally notice you?"

I made a few notes about possible resentment coming up in the future for her love being unrequited for so long, and then looked at her for her response.

"Well, I can't say I was surprised. I mean, I knew it was going to happen, I just didn't know when. But, when he finally looked at me, it was just instantaneous. Sure, he had a weird flaky moment where he was distant, afraid I'd think I was a rebound after his ex, but that was solved quickly. Since then, it's pretty much been perfect.

"We kiss, and he tells me I'm beautiful, and I get to touch his hair. He listens when I talk about makeup, and I listen when he talks about… ohmygod, everything! I mean, I thought _I_ talked a lot, but Jasper is just on a whole other level. I'm telling you, Dr. Cullen, if the world ends tomorrow, all that will be left will be cockroaches and Jasper's voice, droning on about anything at all, floating in the wind. His voice really is beautiful, though, don't you think?"

I tried to formulate a response to that; my mind was reeling, and I had no idea how to respond to that appropriately. That girl was a fucking handful.

"I'm very glad to see you happy, Alice. But let's talk about what we've been working on. Have you been looking into your 'visions?' What was the last one you had? We can deconstruct it together, and find out what clues led you to feeling it was a vision."

Alice was an exhausting person to have a session with, especially when she refused to admit she wasn't seeing the future. Sometimes, her "predictions" were scarily spot-on, but it was best not to cultivate those things, either.

"Well, today I knew Bella, Edward, and Tanya were going to have a session with you, and what it was going to be about." She looked bored, which was normal for this course of her treatment. She thought it was a waste of time.

"Okay, well let's see why you would think of that before it happened. Do you think that maybe you realized Tanya would soon find out and become disgruntled? It's pretty easy to assume that Edward's course of action would be to come see me." It was hard to point out these things to Alice without sounding like a jackass.

"Fine," she rolled her eyes, and began to pick at her nail polish. "Then how did I know to show up five minutes late today so you and Esme could go at it in your office?" She didn't even look up from what she was doing.

"Mary Alice!" I took a deep breath to calm myself. Yelling at guests never got anyone anywhere. "I don't know what you think happened in here today with my wife, but I assure you it wasn't anything quite so scandalous."

"Whatever you say, Dr. Cullen."

"All right, I think tensions are a little high here today. If you don't have anything further you need to discuss with me, I think we could be done for the day." Translation: _I cannot deal with this shit right now. My underwear is sticking to my balls._

"Sure thing, Doc." She stood up from the chair and smoothed out her clothes. "By the way, I know you think the whole baby thing isn't going to happen," she made a gesture at her stomach. "I think you need to adjust your life plans, or start using a condom. Just sayin'."

"Goodbye, Alice!"


	10. Best laid plans get no one laid

**Obviously, I don't own anything you recognize.**

**Thank you to my fantaaaabulous Beta, Breath-of-twilight, for being patient with me.**

**I suggest you check out her story Club Elite. Because it's all sorts of fun and dirty. .net/s/6747488/1/Club_Elite**

**ALSO! I am still participating in The Countdown To 2012! Go read some awesome stories, and guess who wrote what. :) .net/s/7348457/1/Countdown_to_2012_Farewell_to_2011**

**Okay, I'ma shaddup now.**

* * *

><p>Alice left, giggling to herself about something she 'saw', while I stayed at the dock. I had intended to have a little alone time to think about my messy life. Alone time wasn't exactly something I'd been getting a lot of at SAP.<p>

I kicked my feet around in the water, wondering how clean it actually was. Lake water at a camp was probably filled with massive amounts of pee and premature ejaculate. _Awesome._I considered taking my feet out of the water after that little realization, but just as I was about to move, Edward plopped down next to me. I use the phrase _plopped_, because it was sort of a half-fall, half trip. His feet landed in the water, splashing us both, with his flip flops still on.

"Fuck!" He lifted his feet to show he'd lost a flip flop. "Goddamnit." He took his other flip flop off and sat it on the dock to his side.

"Do you think I'd be able to find it if I went in and looked?" He had his brows knitted and his bottom lip stuck out a little. It was clearly saying _"__Lick__me,__Bella.__Do__it.__You__know__you__want__to.__" _I hated that lip.

"Well, there's only one way to find out." I gave him a big smile, and it only took him a moment to pick up on what I meant. He raised his arms in the air to protect himself from me.

"No, Bella. Don't do it. I'm completely dressed, and I don't want to walk-" I interrupted him with a big push into the lake. He landed, with absolutely zero grace into the water, squirming around and splashing like a lunatic.

"That was just uncalled for," he grumbled as he flicked his head to the side to get water out of his hair. That's when I realized what I'd done. Fuck. Wet Edward, _again._ Would I never learn? His white t-shirt was stuck to him in such a way that I was pretty sure I got the first girl boner in history. Seriously, normal to crazed sex lunatic in 2.5 flat.

"Well, now you can look for your shoe," I said, pointing directly down, where I had assumed his flip flop fell.

"Wanna help?" He grabbed my foot before he was even finished speaking, effectively pulling me into the water with him. I probably should have seen that coming. It wasn't my fault, though. It was like a one-man wet t-shirt contest. I think one look at that qualified me as legally insane. Lust will do that to you.

When I came up to the surface, I tried very hard to set him on fire with my eyes. A guy in a see-through white t-shirt was one thing; a _girl_ in a see through tan shirt with a black bra was a completely different situation. A situation called "indecent exposure," I believe.

I was happy to discover that Edward seemed just as distracted by me as I was by him. Turnabout is fair play, I suppose.

"Well, get to lookin'. I'll wait right here." I lifted my feet up to float on my back, trying to figure out the patterns in the clouds. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Edward dive down into the water and wondered how bad of an idea it was to send him on his own. I was pretty sure I'd seen him miss his mouth with a fork while eating; was he going to be able to find his way back to the surface?

When I began to seriously wonder where Edward was, I stopped floating and started to tread water, looking around the surface of the lake for any tell-tale bubbles. Nothing. That is, until my foot was abruptly yanked under me and I was pulled into the water. I screamed my fucking head off.

I opened my eyes under the water and proceeded to pummel the shit out of Edward. I knew he couldn't understand the things I was yelling at him, but I'm pretty sure my actions clued him in a bit. He very quickly pinned my arms to my sides and brought us above the surface of the water. My screaming broke the silence above.

"-stupid, stupid boy! What is wrong with you? Now I have nasty camper piss in my eyes! I could have gone my whole life without knowing what that feels like. I'm going to-"

Edward, still holding my arms to my sides, shut me up with a fantastic kiss. So fantastic, in fact, that I forgot our mouths were covered in the gross lake water. Fantastic enough that I forgot I needed to keep treading water with my legs, but he took care of that. I was really beginning to think that anything remotely sexual was like Samson's quaff of power for him.

Edward swam us over to the other side of the small lake, to a small beach that backed up into woods. Once my feet touched the rocky sand, it was less than a minute before he had me on my back and was doing that thing to my neck again. _That_thing. All proper reasoning went right out the window.

I tried to flip us over so I was on top of him, preferring it that way much more, but he stopped my movements and sat up.

He pushed the hair that was sticking to my face out of the way and pulled what looked like a twig out of a large tangle on the side of my head.

"Well, _that__'__s_ a mood killer," I grumbled and sat up so we could face each other.

"What'd Dr. Cullen want to talk to you about?" I took the twig out of his hands and started to play with it, pulling the soggy wood apart, until there were only shreds left.

"Just to check in, really. See how I was handling myself after the Tanya incident. Making sure I wasn't driving myself crazy, you know, with having feelings for you." He squirmed around a bit as he finished up, and I narrowed my eyes at him.

"What does _that_ mean? Is that even an appropriate question for him to ask?" I didn't like the idea of Dr. Cullen poking his nose around into whatever was going on between Edward and me.

"It is when it could potentially interfere with my program." He looked at me seriously, and while I really did want to know what that meant, I wasn't sure if it was a good idea for us to start talking about our programs with each other. I hadn't even really started mine yet, but I could almost guarantee that it was not something I would want to discuss. Of course, I asked anyway.

"I could interfere with your program?" I wasn't completely heartless; if I was gonna fuck with the kids head by making the two-backed monster, I was gonna haul ass in the other direction.

"No, not you specifically." He shook his head back and forth quickly; paused, presumably to think of the right wording.

"Remember how I told you my dad sort of really fucked me up?" He was pretending to make eye contact with me, but I knew he was staring at a fixed spot somewhere in the vicinity of my forehead. I knew that move. I _created_ that move.

"Yeah, you mentioned it. Hey, you are starting to look really freaked out. We don't have to talk about this." He knew I wasn't about the whole feelings thing, so I had no idea why he felt the need to talk about his.

"No, it's okay. I want to." He shot me a genuine smile. I sighed and motioned for him to continue.

"Dad did this thing a lot when I was growing up. This 'no one loves you,' thing. I mean, sometimes he would change it up," he made vague, twitchy gestures with his hands. "'You're worthless, and 'you don't deserve love,'" were other favorites of his."

I stared at him, unsure of where this was going. I was also unsure if I was supposed to say anything. I didn't handle these situations well; I was what you'd call waspy. I didn't talk about shit. It was a good system. Regardless, if his dad wasn't already dead, I'd have tracked him down and gave him a swift kick to the 'nads.

"So, after hearing that for, like, seventeen years, you believe it. Carlisle's been working with me on my self-worth, because I tend to feel the need to prove to everyone that they should keep me around. Dad sort of turned me into a doormat." He paused, cracked his neck, and gave me a quick glance. He looked nauseous, and I really wanted him to stop making himself feel worse, but I wanted to know if I was gonna fuck him up or not. I really didn't want to do that to him.

"Carlisle says I try to make myself useful because I don't think anyone will actually like me or enjoy my company. The first week I was here, I did everyone in my cabin's laundry. Carlisle was _furious_ when he found out." He smiled, finally, and I laughed with him.

"Hang on a sec," I stopped him to make sure we were on the same page. "Is Dr. Cullen trying to make sure I don't take advantage of you, or trying to make sure that you don't sell yourself short?" I had to admit, the thought of Dr. Cullen thinking I was that much of an asshole pissed me off. But this wasn't about me.

"The second one. He just wants to make sure that I try to see myself as equal with you, I guess." He shrugged, and I picked up on the fact that he wanted the conversation to end.

I didn't know what to say. So, I turned around and laid back, resting my head in his lap. From that angle, I could see up his nose and pointed that out to him.

He told me to shut up, and then kissed me.

We were back to normal for the time being, at least. Too bad I didn't know what our 'normal' meant.

Edward and I spent another lazy hour or so in the sun, clearly ignoring how fucked up we both were. It was quite liberating, actually. When our clothes had fully dried, we decided lunch would be a good idea.

"Okay, I have a plan," Edward said with a wicked grin. I should have assumed that his grin meant something sinister, but to be honest, it made me go all jelloid so I just went with it.

"You grab the portable DVD player from Esme's nightstand and some blankets, and I'll grab a movie and some lunch, and we'll meet at the meadow as soon as possible."

"Why do you know what's in Esme's nightstand, Edward? Does your roster include not only guests but counselors, as well? I would be put off under normal circumstances, but to be honest, I was impressed. Sure, she's annoying, but she's hot for an-.

"I'm not even glorifying that with a response. See you soon."

With a kiss, he was off, running in the direction of the cafeteria. I shrugged and headed toward my cabin.

Of course, Alice was there.

"Ohmigod! Bella, what took you so long? I've been dying here. I mean, _absolutely__dying._ We have so little time. Here, put this on."

She threw a grey sundress, with yellow flowers on the hem, at me. I looked at it suspiciously, but put it on anyway. I had learned by that point just to listen to her. Honestly, it really only took two days to understand that Alice was always right.

With the dress on, I looked in the only full length mirror in the cabin. Naturally, the dress was perfect. A pale grey with an empire waist; it fell to just above my knee and had big, beautiful yellow flowers at the hem. Naturally, I would have never picked it out for myself, but Alice had a way. When I was beginning to feel nervous about my arms, Alice threw a yellow sweater at me that matched the flowers perfectly; short sleeved, so I wouldn't be hot, and only falling to the defined waist of the dress.

"Thank you, Alice." I smiled at her reflection in the mirror, and she beamed back at me.

She came up behind me to fiddle with my hair and smooth out imaginary wrinkles in my dress.

"I'm not one-hundred percent sure what is going to happen today. It's murky, at best. All I _do_ know is that it isn't what you expect. And it isn't what you think would happen that you wouldn't expect, either."

I rolled my eyes, having no goddamn idea what she was talking about. The girl was insane. I loved her.

"Alice, just give me a heads up on how today will end. That's all I need."

I had learned by that point that Alice would never, ever tell someone what was going to happen. However, she was always more than willing to share the manner in which someone's day would end.

The girl had an uncanny ability to predict what would happen. I wasn't going to argue.

"By the end of today, you will realize you love Edward," Alice said with a big, would-be-infectious-if-I-believed-her grin. I smiled and turned my back to roll my eyes.

"Stop rolling your eyes, brat." I could hear the exasperation in her voice. I ignored it.

As I walked to the meadow, I thought about the things that could transpire there that evening. I also realized that I was pretty much in control of whatever happened when I arrived to the meadow. I could go with my teenage hormones and fuck Edward (which I totally, _totally_ wanted to do); I could give Edward the cold shoulder and let him worship the ground I walked on (which I'm pretty sure would have been Rosalie's course of action, had she been in my place); I could let Edward take the lead, and just go where he wanted to go (which, clearly, would have been option number one anyway); I could give him the "let's just be friends" talk (which was, obviously, the smartest thing to do).

However, when I got to that meadow and I took in everything before me, my mind went completely blank.

I had not been prepared for the most awkward man on the planet to set up a romantic scene for the two of us. I made my way through the last of the trees to be greeted by a sight I had never expected. There, stood Edward, surrounded by the flowers in the meadow and dozens of candles lit and blinking in the mild wind around him. There were soft, pastel colored blankets laid out, and he stood without shoes on, basking in the softness of the blankets under his toes. He gave me a sheepish look, as if to say without words _"__I__know__I__look__like__a__dork__… __Please,__make__it__worth__it?__"_

He totally did look like a dork, too. It felt mildly like a scene from 90210, but it was sweet, and he was clearly trying hard to make me happy. How could I judge that? He was all cute face and low slung jeans that showed just the hint of his hip bones below his overly-washed and worn Thursday t-shirt. I stood no chance. Even his hip bones said, _"__Look__at__me.__I__made__a__romantic__scene__for__you.__I__ooze__sex.__DO__ME.__"_

Seriously. That was a direct quote. Well… if his hip bones could speak that would be a direct quote, anyway. Whatever.

I tried to collect myself, and to ignore the emotions going through my body at the sight of him. I failed horribly. By the time I walked toward him, and was a breath's hair from his body, I was panting and feeling insecure.

"Hey." Clearly, I was on top of my game.

"Hey." He looked me up and down, taking in all of the exposed skin from the dress I was wearing. I felt exposed; my clothes too planned and stupid.

"Alice lent me the dress." I motioned vaguely toward my outfit, as if my hands could say, "I know I look like an idiot."

"You look beautiful." I stared at him for a moment to see if he was kidding or not. He wasn't. His eyes said everything. They said he wanted me in the worst way, that I was pretty, that he wanted to see what was under the scraps of material sewn together to make my dress. I felt uncomfortable.

"I feel like an idiot. I don't like being dressed like a Barbie," I said quietly, picking at the hem of the dress. Sure, the dress was pretty, but when put in use, it just made me feel foolish.

Edward grabbed my hands to stop my fiddling.

"You look good," he said gruffly. Half of me relaxed and half of me felt the pressure of his tone of voice. He picked up on it instantly.

"We aren't going to have sex tonight, Bella."

He gave no indication of feelings, his voice completely monotone, so I simply stared at him in confusion. What the fuck? I was here. I looked good. I was wearing goddamned lip gloss, and he was telling me he wasn't going to have sex with me? What was wrong with me that he didn't want to have sex with me? As if he read my mind, he spoke up.

"It's not because of you." He gave me a small smile. "We barely know each other. We aren't going to have sex for a while, Bella. Please don't be offended by it. It's just not going to happen until we are ready. I just… don't work that way."

I had no idea how to respond, so I didn't. I plopped down on the blanket in front of him, and he quickly followed suit. We sat cross-legged across from each other and stared quietly for a moment.

"Are you mad?" he finally asked quietly. He looked mildly dejected, like _I_ had just turned _him_ down for sex.

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes, and muttered a quiet, "no."

"Really? Because you look mad. That is, I would assume you looked mad, if you had made the effort to look at me. Which you haven't."

"Seriously, Edward? I would hang out with Dr. Cullen right now if I wanted to talk about my 'feelings.'" I made air quotes with my hands. Feelings were for pussies. "If you wanted to know about my feelings so badly maybe you would ask me about them, instead of act in complete contradiction to them. Honestly, what was your goal tonight?" I could tell I was going nuts on him, undeserved. I could tell I was being a psycho. I couldn't stop it from happening. I took all of my pent up aggression out on him, and he didn't deserve it. I couldn't stop it, though. It had a mind of its own.

Edward looked at me as if I'd grown two heads. At his expression, I finally rolled my eyes. At the time, I thought, _this__kid__is__unbearable._

"I wanted you to feel special," he said quietly. He looked me in the eyes, as if he expected a response. He received none.

"I wanted you to realize how special I think you are. You know; blankets, flowers in the meadow, candles…" he trailed off then, as if his almost-admission was going to mean something. It didn't.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize," I said in mock contrition. "You wanted to lay some blankets and candles down, and then… stare at me across the meadow all night? _Ohmigod_, Edward! So romantic! I might just call Alice right now to tell her how lucky I am to have you."

Edward winced, slightly, as if my words had hurt him. They probably did.

"Sure, the gesture was nice, but you need to plan an end result here, Edward. What was your actual goal? Did you think that something like this would alter my self-esteem? Make me question my morals? What?" I looked vaguely around us at the surrounding trees, the candles, the flowers in the meadow.

"I don't even know what the point of this was. Sure, I have Esme's portable DVD player, but to be honest, that's the only part of this situation that I understand. Other than that, I'm sort of just thinking you are socially retarded and don't know what to do… which is ridiculous, because you are awesome at dolling out orgasms, and making me feel amazing, and making me eat sausage, and making me feel like a person. So, seriously, Edward. What the fuck is this?"

I motioned my hands around me again, pointing out the decorated meadow for what felt like the thousandth time. Edward, finally, had the smarts to look slightly abashed.

"I just… Well, I thought you never felt cherished. So, I wanted you to feel cherished." Edward paused, looked at his hands in his lap, fiddled with the hem of his jeans… somehow almost fell over while sitting down. "It didn't work, did it?"'

"Not in the slightest, _dear_," I said, finally calming down. I was starting to feel bad for the kid. He tried, at least. That was more than anyone else did.

"Do you want to watch a movie? We can just hang out… maybe then you'll forget I'm an asshole," he said with a slight shrug. He looked absolutely genuine. How was I supposed to say no? I couldn't.

"Sure."

Edward grabbed a movie out of his stack and placed it in Esme's tiny, portable DVD player. The previews gave nothing away to me, and my curiosity was killing me.

"What are we watching?" I asked in a manner that, at the time, I thought sounded like I didn't care about his answer either way. He clearly saw through my act.

"After the previews, you will see."

"You're an ass."

"Thank you, Sweetie." Edward nuzzled my neck, almost making me forget the fact that he called me a pet name. Almost. Clearly, he didn't get that when I called him Dear it was sarcastic.

"I'm not your sweetie," I said as he continued to kiss and nuzzle into my neck.

"I'm sorry," he said as he continued to kiss his way down to my collar bones. Before I even realized what was happening, he was pushing the top of my dress down. I would have complained, but that spaz was totally awesome at what he was doing. I'm talking so awesome I forgot what I was mad about. That is, until the menu of the movie played continually on the player, over and over, driving me insane. Sure, what he was doing felt good, but not good enough to drown out annoyances.

"Goddamnit, make that stupid song stop playing."

"Oh, I'm sorry." Without looking at the DVD player, he hit play and started the movie. To be honest, I didn't even look at what was going on in the menu while it annoyed the shit out of me. However, once the movie started, I knew exactly what it was.

"Romeo and Juliet? Really? Other than John Leguizamo stealing my heart, you have nothing else to gain from the showing of this film. Please, for the love of God, change the damn thing."

Edward looked mildly uncomfortable, but changed the DVD without a word. I internally smiled. At least the threat of a movie star deterred him from _something._ Even if it was John Leguizamo. Who I would totally bang, by the way. Either way, that wasn't important at the moment. What was important was that Edward was actually listening to me. No one had ever done that. I relished in it selfishly; after all of the times where Charlie and Sue listened to Leah over me; after all of the times Renee listened to Phil over me… this time, Edward was listening to me. To only me.

He switched the DVD quickly, as if Romeo+Juliet was on fire, and I smiled at the next choice. The Secretary; that, I could deal with.

He hit play, and then went back to nibbling and sucking his way down my chest as Leonard Cohen sang in the background, while Lee fluttered around the office in all of her sexual goddessness. The second he moved to my sensitive areas, that hadn't been sensitive before he touched them, I stopped paying attention to the movie. I took in the sounds of the music, and the feeling of Edward touching me, and the way his tongue felt smooth and rough at the same time on my nipples. The man really _did_ have super magic sex powers.

_If you want a lover_

_I'll do anything you ask me to_

He continued kissing, pulling up my dress at the bottom to tease around the inside of my thighs, the tops of my underwear, that spot where my thigh met the center of my body.

_And if you want another kind of love_

_I'll wear a mask for you_

_If you want a partner_

_Take my hand_

_Or if you want to strike me down in anger_

_Here I am_

_I'm your man_

I didn't even feel him pull down my panties. One moment, he was teasing me, and then next he was kissing down my stomach, lower and lower, until he was almost where I wanted him to be. He looked up, not asking for permission like I had expected. He gave me a look that said "ask me to do this, or I will stop here." I wanted to think he was an ass. I totally wanted to. But I didn't… because it was painfully, almost unbearably hot.

"Please, Edward?"

He smiled, but didn't move. He cocked his head to the side. _Tell__me__what__you__want,_ his face said. He stayed silent.

"Please, Edward. I want you to kiss me. There…" My breathing was shallow, but I kept a brave face. I wanted to feel him there; I wanted to feel someone there and enjoy it. Mike was the only other person to venture there, and he failed horribly; his tongue was so hard it felt like I was being poked with a spoon. No one wants that.

Edward smiled and very gently licked me from my entrance to my happy place, with a perfectly relaxed, warm tongue. I made a noise only dogs could here as he continued.

_Or if you want to take me for a ride_

_You know you can_

_I'm your man_

Soon, I was pulling his hair, saying unattractive swear words, and using his ears to direct exactly where I wanted him. He followed each direction perfectly, and faster than I thought possible; I was done for.

I was screaming, grunting, squeaking, convulsing; I was coming harder than I ever had in my life.

When I stopped twitching unattractively, Edward lifted his head with a sly grin.

"And you wanted sex…" he scoffed, wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, and gave me a slow, chaste kiss. His eyes were open wide, making him look vulnerable and emotional.

Well, fuck.

In that moment, I sort of, kind of… fell in love with Edward Masen.

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><p><strong>I know, I know... so much angst this chapter. Back to the funny soon!<br>**

**If you are unfamiliar with: The Secretary, Leonard Cohen, or John Leguizamo... get on that shit. So much fantasticness.**

**I love all of your great reviews, keep 'em coming! They make me smile.**

**Also, I got a job, hence the pause between updates... but, I'm getting back into the swing of things now that I have figured out how to delegate my time again.  
><strong>


	11. Manic Monday Part 1

**I own nothing you recognize.**

**However, I DO have a fantastic Beta - Breath-of-twilight, who is probably cringing at my punctuation in this AN. I send her kisses and hugs.**

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><p>Monday morning came so much sooner than I wanted it to. I was well aware of the fact that my stay at SAP was not going to be the cake walk like my first weekend there.<p>

After a shower, and dressing without any thought toward what I was putting on, I thought about what the day would bring as I brushed my teeth.

After the meadow the night before, I quickly filled out my activity card for Esme, who was quite perturbed that I had skipped dinner and "borrowed" her DVD player. Although, even when annoyed, she was still sickeningly sweet and pleasant. It was unnatural, and slightly unnerving.

Tanya came back to take a shower as I was finishing up, and I made a hasty retreat back toward my bed before she could go all _Fatal Attraction_ on me.

On my pillow was a schedule for my day, written in Esme's impeccable handwriting. Seriously, it looked like computer font. People with handwriting that neat either couldn't be trusted or were trying to overcompensate for something.

_ Bella,_

_ I wrote out a loose schedule for you to get you through your first week. Activities change every two weeks. You'll get the hang of it, sweetie._

_ Come find me or another mentor if you have any questions._

_ Esme_

She dotted her i's with freaking hearts. I shit you not.

7:30 – 8:30 : Breakfast

8:45 – 10:15 : Art and Literature with me! – Cabin C3

10:30 – 12:00 : Personal journal writing and/or scrapbooking with Rosalie – Cabin C5

12:30 – 1:30 : Lunch with Dr. Cullen – Cabin M1. He will grab your lunch for you, so you can meet him at the cabin.

1:45 – 3:15 : Monday, Wednesday, Friday - Group Discussion with Emmett – Cabin C1

Tuesday, Thursday – Group (Progress) Discussion with Alma – Cabin C1

3:30 – 5:00 : Cabin time

5:30 – 6:30 : Dinner

After looking at my schedule for the day, I realized just how institutionalized this place was. Sure, it definitely could have been worse, but it was going to be a long day. I looked at my watch, saw it was already 7:30, and rushed off to get some breakfast. Only halfway through my walk did I realize that I had no idea where Alice was. It was weird, considering she had been stuck to my ass at every opportunity since I'd gotten there. I shrugged it off, assuming she went early to get the best food. Her appetite was tragic.

I walked into the cafeteria and instantly realized where Alice had been attached: to Jasper's face. She had lip gloss smears around her mouth, and her hair looked like she had been properly fucked. She had no clue she looked a mess, and I was not going to be the one to tell her; it was so much more fun to see her like that.

Edward waved me over to sit next to him, where he already had a tray of food for me.

"Good morning!" He gave me a wet kiss on the cheek as I sat next to him.

"Shh. Too loud for this time of day." I slowly shook my head at him while trying to unlock my jaw to suck down my cup of coffee whole. It didn't go as smoothly as I'd hoped, so I ignored the dribbles of coffee coming out of each corner of my mouth. When I slammed my empty cup down on the table, Edward gently dabbed the coffee off of my chin with a napkin. I shot him a withering glance before picking through what he put on my plate, separating it by what I would and would not eat.

Pancakes and white toast on the left side of the tray; orange slices, a half slice of whole grain toast, and a piece of cantaloupe on the right. As I took a bite of a piece of orange, Edward placed a packet of strawberry jam on top of my toast.

I grabbed the packet, immediately, and dropped it into his coffee.

"So," Alice said with a too-big-for-the-morning grin, "what activities do you have today, Bella?"

I handed her the note Esme left for me, then proceeded to rip the crust off of my toast. Honestly. This is the 21st century, how have we not invented crust-less bread yet? Clearly, we are not as civilized a people as we would like to believe.

Edward caught me ripping the crust off and tore his half-slice of whole grain toast in half, ripped off the crust, and placed it on my plate. I was about to wad it into a ball and stuff it up his nose, but he gave me a warning glance that wavered between me, Dr. Cullen across the room, and then to me again.

I mumbled a thank you and took a large bite of bread, making an uncomfortable amount of eye contact with Dr. Cullen. He smiled broadly and raised his coffee cup to me. It was just impossible to hate that guy.

Alice, who was completely oblivious to the exchange, groaned loudly at my schedule for the next two weeks.

"Bella, we don't have any activities together! Did you pick the only indoor ones? You know, for someone who has an eat- oof!" She was abruptly cut off my Rosalie thwacking her on the back.

"Alice, your lips are moving. You should look into that."

Alice looked a bit sheepish, and her cheeks pinked a bit. "It just sucks I'll only get to see you at breakfast and cabin time…"

I rolled my eyes but stayed silent. I didn't have the energy for … whatever it was she was thinking.

Sooner than I would have liked, Edward was rubbing my back and telling me it was time for me to go to my first activity. I made an unattractive noise and accepted his chaste kiss on the cheek as I got up to find Cabin C3.

Turns out finding my way there wasn't too hard; I just had to follow Esme. Have you ever heard the expression "spring in your step"? It's because of her. She literally bounced happily as she walked. It was sickening. I blamed Dr. Cullen; he had to have been doing something great in the sack to get her to walk around like that.

_Focus, Bella._

The "activity" I had with Esme was surprisingly… not horrible. There were about four of us (seven if you counted the three teenage boys in the back who were oblivious to the world around them) who sat around and talked about the way mental illness was used as a plot device in novels over time, and which characters we thought had any. It was interesting, at least, and Esme didn't give a shit if you didn't participate. I didn't know anyone else in the activity, but that didn't bother me. I'd say it wasn't a total failure. Plus, she had free cookies(lame) and coffee(awesome). Win.

I walked leisurely from C3 to C5, sneaking in a cigarette from my supplier, Alice. I had a fleeting reoccurring thought from my first night; did NHSC work like prison? I was still unsure if I was going to owe her something for all of the smokes. I was pretty sure we were considered even after the introduction to Jasper, but one was never sure.

I walked into the cabin and was instantly ready to turn on my heel and make a run for it. Rose came out of nowhere to put a hand on my shoulder with enough force to make me realize trying to bolt was a bad idea. _Balls._

"Don't even think about it, Pipe Cleaner. You chose this, and now you're stuck with it. If I have to suffer through these freaks, you do too." Rose had the uncanny ability to keep her voice monotone, just quiet enough for you to hear yet scare the ever-loving shit out of you with whatever she said. I'd probably go a little gay for her. Just sayin'.

"Uh… Where do I sit?" I looked around the room, eyes wide, wondering how I was going to survive. There were six tables, each large enough to seat four comfortably, all covered in scrapbooking shit. Scissors, stickers, that weird acid free paper, confetti, little word cut-outs… it was bad. Not as bad, however, as the fact that five of those tables were occupied by Tanya or one of her doppelgangers. I was legitimately concerned that she was a sextuplet. I might have been sweating a little. Over-processed blonde hair, and massive amounts of mascara _everywhere._ It was a sea of shame in that cabin.

"Well, there's only one table open, so unless you want to sit with Eddie's ex, I'd go to that one." She smacked my ass like she was my coach, and I scuttled reluctantly to the front right table. Thankfully, Tanya was at the back left table. Distance was good. Too bad I could hear everything she was saying to her cronies.

"No, that's definitely her. Boyfriend-stealing skank." I rolled my eyes, and tried to hide the smile on my face. If Tanya or one of her friends saw me laughing, I didn't anticipate it ending well. There would probably be blood… and for the first time, I didn't know whose it would be. PL had a mean streak, and a manicure, that I wasn't sure I wanted to test.

"He said he loved me. We were supposed to get _married._ And then _she_ showed up and it all went downhill. Did you know she put her ex-boyfriend in the hospital? She was strung out on coke and hadn't eaten for a week. You'd figure she'd be skinnier if her diet consisted of coke and semen."

I clenched my jaw and very slowly placed my hands on the table in front of me, pushing myself back as the chair made a horrific screeching noise on the linoleum floors. I had a fleeting thought about how convenient it would be for them to clean her blood off of the floor since it wasn't carpeted like the rest of the cabins. Just as I began to stand, Rosalie caught what was going on out of the corner of her eye and quickly made her way to the front of the room.

"Okay, ladies!" She spoke a little too loudly, and with a little too much pep, but it got everyone's attention. She briefly looked at me and shook her head almost imperceptibly. I liked Rose, and I respected Rose, so I nodded back to her. However, my face said "that bitch best not test my patience." Rosalie told everyone to pick a scrapbook from the front of the room so that we could get started. I stayed completely still, and though it hurt my ego, raised my hand.

"Bella?" Rosalie looked confused, and mildly concerned that I would act out. God, I wasn't _that_ much of a dick.

"I thought this was scrapbooking _or_ journal making? If this is only scrapbooking, I gotta go. I don't have a big enough vagina for this. I mean, do you give out free tampons when we leave for the day?"

Okay, maybe I was that much of a dick. Whatever.

"Bella!" Rosalie put on a very impressive angry face, but her nostrils were flaring and contracting at an alarming rate, and her ears were turning red. She was trying so, so hard to not laugh. "Please, be considerate of the people around you. And there are journals on the table next to the scrapbooks, feel free to grab one, and I'll be with you after I'm finished with the other girls."

I gave her a curt nod and went over to browse the journals. To my pleasant surprise, they were ridiculously nice. (All that money Charlie and Sue were sending there was apparently going to the activities and not the cafeteria food.) I had narrowed it down to a simple black leather one, and one with an abstract grey pattern on the back and a plain, matte clear cover on the front.

"That one is so you can decoupage on the front of it… you know, make it your own or whatever. I think you should go with that one. I don't care if you just put a giant hand giving the finger on the cover; a little creativity wouldn't kill you." Rose patted my shoulder, and then slowly turned me back in the direction of my table.

She sat down across from me and moved all of the scrapbooking shit out of the way.

"Okay. So, we have a few options here. You can have a theme for your journal –" I cut her off.

"You mean, like, _Short Stories About Cannibalism? _ Or _My Adventures With Splendor: The Candid Look Into Imaginary Ponies?_"

"Can you be serious for, like, three seconds? Once we get this shit out of the way, we can hang out. Okay. So, you can have a theme, I can give you prompts, you can write a novel, or write about your progress here at SAP... I'm open to other ideas, though. What do you think?"

"That depends. Who's going to read it?" I gave Rose the side-eye. There had to be a catch to this one.

"Well, on parents day we display all of the crafts… and Dr. Cullen, the mentors, and my parents will have access to it whenever they want to check your progress. We really encourage you to be honest with whatever you write, though. We're pretty progressive here, Bella."

"I… Well, I honestly don't care," I paused for a moment, thinking. "What subject can I write about that will make everyone give me a good review to my parents when I leave?"

Rosalie rolled her eyes.

"Fine. We'll decorate the cover today, and you can talk to Dr. Cullen about the content when you see him. When do you see him this week?"

"Every day at lunch," I grumbled. I was not excited about that damned lunch. If he shoves food at me like Emmett, it's not going to go well. That man's pretty… well, everything, is only going to get him so far.

"Have fun with that." She was mocking me. Dick.

We spent the next hour or so cutting words and pictures out of magazines and situating them on the cover of the journal. By the time we were done, the collection of shit on that thing made me look downright schizophrenic. Badass, but schizo. Oh, well. I did, however, completely forget Tanya was in the room the entire time. Rose was good.

I walked to M1 slowly, and a bit reluctantly, smoking two cigarettes on the way. If my plate was filled with cold cut sandwiches and macaroni and cheese, we were going to have a problem. I stubbed my last cigarette out behind a bush in front of his cabin and took a few deep breaths. I could do this.

As I was closing the door behind me, I heard Dr. Cullen from the room in the back where Edward, PL, and I had our meeting together.

"You can come right on back, Bella."

He hadn't pissed me off yet. Good sign.

I walked into Dr. Cullen's session room and instantly knew I'd spoken too soon. He had set up enough food to feed a family of five onto a small table between his chair and the couch. I kept my poker face on as I walked to the couch, reminding myself that he could probably smell fear.

"Good afternoon, Bella. How is your first real day going so far?" He poured himself a cup of coffee and motioned to see if I'd like one too.

"Yes, please." My voice sounded much smaller than I would have liked. I needed to get my head in the game.

"My first day is going okay. I had an activity with Tanya, but I sort of forgot she was there for most of it so it wasn't too bad."

He handed me my coffee, and I nodded a 'thank you' to him before guzzling half of it down.

"Well that's good to hear." He smiled broadly at me, and then sat back in his chair.

"So, I was thinking we could make up some plates from the food the lunch staff brought us today, and then we'd get started." He handed me a plate. "Dig in."

Ugh. The food looked atrocious. I took the plate from him and looked closely at what was set between us. I put about a fist-sized amount of salad on half of my plate, even though it was a bit wilty, and a small piece of chicken and two strawberries on the other half. I refused to look up at him as I cut the chicken into tiny, bite-sized pieces and mixed them into the salad. Once my plate was ready, I slowly sat back and looked up to Dr. Cullen.

"Ready to begin?" He kept his face completely devoid of emotion, and I nodded yes, wondering if I was failing my test already.

"Excellent. Would you like some salad dressing?" He reached for one of the small packets of dressing next to the salad bowl.

"No."

Dr. Cullen looked as though he was trying not to audibly sigh and sat back in his seat again.

"Okay, let's get started then." He took a large bite of a hamburger and appeared to be thinking as he chewed.

"What would you like to accomplish here at SAP this summer, Bella?" He continued to eat from his plate, which had about four times as much food on it as mine did. I tried to avoid letting him see me compare them. I don't think I succeeded. I chewed slowly on half of a strawberry as I thought.

"I want Charlie and Sue to stop looking at me like I'm going to literally explode before their eyes. That'd be nice." I noticed my slip just as I finished the sentence, and hoped he wouldn't point it out. Fail.

"Charlie and Sue..? Oh, your father and stepmother?"

I nodded. _Let it drop, let it drop, let it drop…_

"That's interesting that you refer to your parents by their first names. I could understand your stepmother, but your father as well? Has it always been that way?" He had a little wrinkle between his brows, which did not detract from his attractiveness. I was annoyed.

"I don't know. I think so? I called Renee 'mom' when I was little, but that didn't last long. She's kind of a flake. I saw some friends more often than I saw her, so I guess I just sort of started calling her Renee."

"Mmmm," he said around his food, in understanding, then swallowed. "And your father?"

Goddammit, that man would not let anything just drop.

"Charlie and I are a little too different from each other to have a normal relationship." I tried to keep my voice sounding very final, then took a bite of food to let Dr. Cullen know that was all I was going to say about the situation.

"Okay, I could see that. How does that make you feel, thinking you are so different from your parents? Do you feel different from your stepsiblings as well?"

"I don't really think about it much, to be honest. Seth and Leah are Charlie and Sue's golden children. It's nice, though, because for the most part as long as I'm not actively getting in trouble, I can fly below the radar."

I picked at my salad, trying hard to only snatch up the salad and leave the chicken.

"I see. Do you feel they don't parent you the same way they parent your siblings?" It was really beginning to get annoying that with every question he asked me he sounded like he really wanted to know the answer. It almost made me _not_ want to tell him what I was going to; exactly what needed to be said to get him to think I was good to go at the end of my program.

"I'm sure every kid needs to be parented differently; everyone is different, a blanket parenting style won't work for everyone."

Dr. Cullen cracked a smile as he finished chewing a bite of his food. For some reason, I didn't like that smile.

"How very diplomatic of you, Bella. But we both know that answer is complete crap." He motioned between the two of us. "This isn't going to work if you aren't honest with me. Since you don't want to talk about that, is there anything you _do_ want to talk about?" Shit. I'm going to have to make up for that little uh-oh.

"Well, I'm in Rosalie's scrapbooking and journal writing activity. We were wondering if you had any ideas of what type of journal I should do? We were kind of stumped. And, apparently, my topic choices of short story anthologies were not what she was looking for." I rolled my eyes, and Dr. Cullen chuckled.

"I can imagine." He smiled at me and paused to think for a moment. "Did you not like any of the normal prompts we do for that activity?"

I shook my head 'no' and placed my plate on the couch cushion next to me. I had left the chicken under a layer of lettuce leaves and hoped he wouldn't notice.

"Well, I normally like those to be a bit more… structured. But, I think we could do something new for you." He grabbed two cupcakes off of the table and offered one to me. This, clearly, was a test. I tried to keep my cool as I grabbed it from him.

"How about you keep track of every thought you intentionally don't speak aloud, every feeling you suppress, any concerns you try to sweep under a rug? Try it this week, and we can go over it on Friday. Think you can do that?"

As he spoke, I used my plate to sweep all of the icing off of the cupcake, effectively leaving me with a chocolate muffin. At least that's what I was going to have to pretend it was if I was going to get through eating the damn thing.

"Yeah, that sounds fine," I mumbled as I picked at the cupcake, eating half-bite-size pieces at a time.

"How's that cupcake treating you?" he asked me in such a strange tone that I had to look up at him to figure out what he was thinking.

"It's delicious." I tried so hard to look like I was enjoying it, but I'm pretty sure I just looked constipated.

"Bella, why do you insist on trying to tell me what I want to hear? You're here for three months regardless of how well you do. You don't need to make me think that by your first day of sessions you don't need them anymore. This lunch wasn't a test, and no matter what you ate today, I wouldn't have been angry or disappointed in you. I'm not your parent. I'm just someone who wants to help you be the best version of you as possible. Do you think I'm looking at that right now?"

He motioned to the practically pulverized dessert in my hands, and I realized how stupid I probably looked. My whole body was stiff, and my lap was covered in crumbs. I gently placed the crumpled cupcake on my plate and gathered the crumbs from my lap.

"I don't know what I'm doing, Dr. Cullen." I didn't look at him as I spoke. It was sort of easier that way. He didn't respond, and when I looked up, he looked impassive. Was he waiting for me to keep going? Was I supposed to shut up? The man gave me no direction.

"No one tells me what's going on here, except for Edward, but he always gives me those looks that are, like, _way_ too intense for how short of a time I've known him. And then I've got Alice telling me I'm falling in love, which I'm not, and Tanya being a psycho, and my bed is too hard, and the stupid mud keeps ruining all of my flip-flops and it's like… just, FUCK."

I looked back at Dr. Cullen again, who was still completely silent. Why wasn't he talking? What the hell was with that guy?

"And don't even get me started on… Ugh. Everyone here wants to talk about _feelings_. All the damn time. What _is_ it with you people? I mean, not everyone likes to talk about that shit. And that doesn't mean they handle them the wrong way. Some people just like to keep their shit to themselves." My voice was getting a bit louder, and I was making broad, jittery gestures with my hands.

"One might argue that your feelings are _personal_ and that it's completely reasonable to want to keep them _private._ I mean, we all don't think out loud. Why do we have to feel out loud? It's stupid. And, I think, selfish. Why would anyone think someone wants you to unload your feelings on them? No one cares! Every time someone starts jabbering on about their feelings to me, I mentally check out until I think it's safe to come back without my brain leaking out of my ears. God, it's so boring. It's like, wait two days. You won't even give a shit what your feelings today were, anyway. Right?"

When I finished speaking, I was a little winded. That little hissy-fit came out of fucking nowhere. I leaned back on the couch taking in what I had just said.

"I hope you realize, Bella, that you made more progress and impressed me more with what you just said than you ever could have by telling me what I wanted to hear. Thank you." He looked incredibly pleased, and for some reason, that made me a little happy, too.

"I'm very proud of you for opening up that much. It's okay to not want to share your feelings all of the time. No one expects you to. However, I hope that over the course of the next few months, you'll continue to be this open with me."

I didn't respond, because I wasn't going to guarantee him anything yet. He looked at his watch and sighed.

"Unfortunately, our time's up for today. It's been a pleasure, Bella. I'll see you tomorrow at the same time. Enjoy the rest of your day."

I walked out of M1 feeling annoyed, slightly sick from that stupid cupcake, but also a little hopeful. Maybe I could at least sort some of my shit out.

I also had a feeling that group discussion with Emmett was either going to be awesome, because he's funny; or horrible, because I still kind of hated that guy. I blamed the dimples. Those things were two miniature mind-fucks.

When I got to the door of the cabin, I found the door locked and all of the inside lights off. There was a note on a Post-It on the door written in horrifically bad handwriting.

_1:45 Group Disc. With Emmett – in field behind cabin._

I was furious. I specifically chose indoor activities. I don't do outside. That shit makes me itchy.

I lit another cigarette out of principle, and stomped my way around the cabin to the field in the back. Emmett had laid out a few plaid blankets, and he and four others were sitting in a loose, uneven circle on the sea of hideous plaid.

I took a seat between Jen (Kesha 2.0) and Melanie (Marilyn Manson fan). There were two boys I didn't recognize sitting on either side of Emmett, both looking uncomfortable, as if they were terrified someone would speak to them.

"Bella, lose the smoke for now, please. We can have a break at 2:30 for that. Okay, everyone, let's get started." Emmett rubbed his hands together with a big grin on his face. That worried me.

"Today, we are going to start by going around the circle and saying exactly why we _don't_ want to be in this discussion group. We all have our reasons."

Everyone stared at him like he was completely nuts. At least he knew no one wanted to be there.

"I'll start," he said, sitting up a bit straighter. "I'm Emmett, and I don't want to be in this discussion group because everyone in the group usually hates me by the end of the two week rotation. Okay, Will, do you want to go next?"

I had assumed Will was the boy to Emmett's left, because his eyes got a bit larger, and he started to look even more freaked out. He tucked his messy brown hair behind his ear and nodded slowly.

"My name is Will. I don't want to be in this discussion group because I like it a lot more when people don't expect me to talk. I don't really like people, to be honest." He looked nervously around him and nodded once to Emmett as if to say "that's it."

I wondered what that kid's deal was. He was sort of cute, in a sloppy way, but he kept sweeping his eyes over the field around him like he was expecting someone to jump out and attack him at any second.

"I'm Melanie. I don't want to be in this discussion group because it's stupid. I'd like my day a lot better if I could listen to my iPod and not have people pester me about my 'feelings.'" She used air quotes and said the word as if it tasted bad in her mouth.

"Oh, I also don't want to be in this group because I was told it would be inside. As in, in-fucking-doors. Just sayin.'" She held up her hands in innocence.

Oh my god, she was my soul mate. For a moment, I seriously considered throwing Edward to the curb and mackin' it with her right then. That is, until she proceeded to remove her shoes and pick at her toenails. Right there. Just… no shame. I've never fallen out of love so quickly. Which is saying a lot coming from me.

Emmett nodded in my direction with a small smile on his face. Stupid dimple-face.

"I'm Bella. I mainly don't want to be in this group because I don't do one-on-one discussions well, let alone when there are more parties involved. That, and our proctor's dimples piss me off."

I gave Emmett a large, sweet grin before looking to Jen. She had no idea what was going on around her, so I sort of elbowed her to get her attention.

"Oh, right, me." She sort of hiccupped and burped at the same time, and all I smelled was tequila. After Saturday night, it still made my stomach roll a little, but I wasn't about to sell her out.

"My name's Jen," she paused for a moment to think, and I once again was taken aback by just how normal she sounded. No slurred speech, no indication whatsoever that she was probably three sheets to the wind. Just… normal.

"I don't want to be in this group because I'd rather be doing other stuff." She looked relatively pleased with herself, and I caught Emmett roll his eyes.

"I'm Ben," the boy between Jen and Emmett said rather quickly. "I don't want to be here because last rotation I had an activity where I could play on my DS without anyone noticing. I also don't want to be here because I don't…" he stopped to clear his throat, and looked around. "Well, because I thought someone was going to be here, and they aren't."

Jen and I exchanged a 'what the fuck is his deal?' look. I looked to Emmett, waiting to see where this was going.

"The interesting thing is that while I believed all of you, I don't think any of you gave me the main reason you don't want to be in this group. I don't even think you know what that reason is yourselves yet. That's what the next two weeks are about; what you are afraid of, and how we can all work past it."

When none of us responded, Emmett continued.

"We'll get into all of that hard stuff on Wednesday, though. I think for now we could just discuss whatever you guys want to get out. I also want to remind you that, by being in this circle, you have entered into a contract with every single person around you. What is said in this circle stays in this circle. No exceptions. It's the only way we can all really be honest with each other. If you know you won't tell someone else's secrets, then it gives you the confidence to reveal your own. Understood?"

I nodded slowly and looked around to see everyone else doing the same. I could tell right away that this was going to be my least favorite activity.

"Does anyone have anything they'd like to discuss? Bella?"

I looked around the group and noticed that everyone was doing their best to be invisible. No one wanted to talk. Why did he pick on me, anyway? Prick.

_Lightbulb._

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><p><strong>Part 2 will be posted shortly - next day or two. Sorry it took so long... I got a new lappy, which didn't want to let me edit shit. Either way, we are good to go now.<strong>

**Your reviews make me so happeh it's ridiculous. I enjoy them. Keep 'em coming!**

**Reviewers get a teaser of the next chapter (yeahhh that's right. I've got some stocked up now, so I can do that!)**

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**xo  
><strong>


	12. Manic Monday Part 2

I don't own anything.

__A few days later than I'd have liked, and I'm sorry. Work is awesome when you get your paycheck, but it sucks when your days OFF turn into days ON. And I don't even mean that in a fun, dirty way. Le sigh.

Thank you as always to Breath-of-twilight for her amazing beta-ing. I am grateful for every day she doesn't say "fuck this shit" and throw in the towel.

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><p><em>I looked around the group and noticed that everyone was doing their best to be invisible. No one wanted to talk. Why did he pick on me, anyway? Prick.<em>

_Lightbulb._

If I'm super cooperative, it will look good to Dr. Cullen, and to Charlie and Sue. Bring it.

"Yeah, me." I spoke up, sounding a bit more combative than I had intended. I think my voice conveyed how I was looking at this as a challenge. How much could I say without actually having to talk about my own feelings, or my own program? I was about to find out.

"What's up, Bella?" Emmett leaned forward, placing his elbows on his knees and resting his chin on his hands. I sort of wanted to hit him.

"You see, I have this problem…" I started, and then talked about every inconsequential problem I could think of... and then shit that wasn't even a problem for me. I opened my mouth and let everything I was thinking flow. The way the weather was affecting my hair, how lumpy my pillow was, the fact that the highest SPF supplied by the camp was a 30, how concerned I was that all of the girls in the cabin's menstrual cycles would sync up. I talked so much that I stopped listening to myself. By 2:30, Emmett looked like he wanted to kill himself, and Jen was openly laughing. At least I had one fan.

"So, now it's like, am I supposed to wear my muddy flip-flops that got ruined on my walk around in the shower, so they get clean, or is that counterproductive because then my feet will get muddy in the shower? Can mud clog up a shower drain? Speaking of that, I heard that at some university in Boston, they had to post a notice asking the guys not to whack-it in the shower because they were clogging up all the drains. Do you have a notice up like that in the boy cabins here? I think you should, because I would be super pissed if the drains got clogged here because some kid couldn't jack it into a sock like a normal teenager and –"

"Okay! So, everyone, it's 2:30. Time for that little break. We'll meet back here in fifteen, and then close up all the loose ends for the day." Emmett looked so relieved that I had stopped talking. It was awesome. _That was payback for all of the toast, fucker._

I stayed where I was and lay back on the blanket as I lit a cigarette, closing my eyes and enjoying the feeling of the smoke in my lungs. With my eyes closed, I could still see the shadow cross my face when Emmett walked over to me. I didn't bother opening my eyes.

"Going to think again before you ask me about my feelings there, Tiny?" I took another drag of my cigarette and hoped that when I ashed, it didn't land on the blanket. I wasn't all about going up in a ball of fire today. I had all of eternity for that.

"You're such a pain in the ass, Bella. Can you try to cooperate, please? Rose said you were fine in her activity. What the hell is your problem?"

"Rose didn't single me out in a crowd and ask if I wanted to talk about anything. Care to share why you wanted me to talk?" I continued to keep my eyes closed, mainly because I knew if I opened them I would begin to feel sorry for the way I acted. He totally had it coming, but he always looked like a giant teddy bear. I couldn't be mean to his face. I could be annoying to his face, sure. But not mean.

"You were sitting directly across from me, Bella. That's it. I don't have some mysterious plan to piss you off. I'm just doing my job." He paused, and I thought he was finished. He wasn't.

"This is the real world. Put on your fucking big girl pants and join the rest of us in it, because I can guarantee not everyone is going to be as nice as me. This is the last time I'm going to put up with your shit. You're not stupid, you're not immature, and you're not crazy. You're acting out for no reason, and if we have this conversation again, it's going to involve your parents and Dr. Cullen."

I had no idea how to process what he had just said to me. No one had ever spoken to me like that, let alone someone with the title of my "mentor." The teen-angst, _shoot-aim-ask questions later_ part of me wanted to rip him a new one. Who the fuck did he think he was? Charlie and Sue were paying an ass-load of money for me to be there, and without those payments he would be out of a job. Prick.

However, the more mature,_ think before you speak_ part of me knew instantly that he was right. Where else did I think I was going to get away with that behavior? My sessions with Dr. Cullen? Not likely. College? Hell no. Any job I could ever hope of having? Fuck no. Wendy's wouldn't put up with that shit. I had to face the fact that Emmett was right, and I was wrong.

When I thought about it, I realized that several of the kids in that group probably needed normal human interaction, even if it was in a small, group discussion setting. I had robbed them of the opportunity to actually help themselves; not everyone there was laughing at SAP like I was. No matter how much it hurt, I had to apologize. I sucked it up, and stood up so I could make eye contact with him, to assure he could see I was serious.

"All right. Fine." I stopped and held up three fingers, scout's honor style. "I promise I won't dick out like that again. I can't promise I won't be obnoxious, or inappropriate, or… well, me. But, I do promise I won't unnecessarily be unfair to you or anyone else in the group. I thought you were going after me intentionally. I'm sorry."

Emmett looked at me for a long moment, probably trying to see if I was fucking with him. I couldn't blame him. I also could barely hide my laugh; watching Emmett think was sort of like watching a dog walk on its hind legs; it was weird, and sort of unnatural. After he finally decided I was serious, he looked me steadily in the eyes before closing his and taking a deep breath. After opening them, he spoke.

"Thank you for your apology, and for actually meaning it. I want us to be friends. And I mean that in an honest, real way; not like when you tell someone you just dumped that you want to stay friends. You're funny as hell, and you make Edward even spazzier than normal. I think we can be good friends. I just want us to be able to work together in settings like this one, amicably. I appreciate your cooperation."

I wanted to roll my eyes. I definitely wanted to laugh at him. I don't do serious conversations; they make me itchy. Instead, I put on my stoic face and manned up for Emmett's sake.

"Yeah, I can see us being friends. So, let's just… move on from this, yeah?"

We both nodded to each other, and I grabbed myself a cigarette and another for Emmett, who accepted gratefully. We smoked in a comfortable silence for a minute or two; me thinking about what horrors 'Cabin Time' would bring, Emmett probably thinking about Rosalie. He surprised me, though, when he spoke out of the blue.

"Was that true? About that school posting about no masturbating in the showers?"

I gave him a sideways glance to see his expression, and let a slow smile spread across my face. _Boys._

"Yeah, it's true. Rumor has it, though, that the posting only made it worse. They think that all of the guys who jacked it in the shower assumed everyone else would stop, so they either did it more, or didn't stop. Either way, there wasn't much of a change." I shrugged as if my shoulders could say _Men. Stupid, stupid men._

Emmett laughed and clapped me on the back in a way I'm sure he thought was light and friendly. I almost face planted on the ground in front of me, which was quite the feat considering I was sitting.

"Yeah, Swan. We're going to be friends."

When we all sat back down in the circle after our break, Emmett looked a little exhausted, and I wondered if he and Rose had been a little _too_ active in the sack the night before. Then, I realized that the mental image of them together was a lot harder to get rid of when I'd actually seen it. I knew what Jasper meant when he referred to Brain Bleach. He had the right idea. Where was Jen's tequila when I needed it?

Either way, Emmett gave us the go ahead (after everyone said they had nothing to talk about further) to sit quietly and either work on stuff for other activities, work on stuff for our sessions with our doctors, to speak with him one-on-one, or to just sort of… zone out. I decided now was as good a time as any to work on my journal. Dr. Cullen wanted the feelings I hadn't let bubble to the surface, so I let them run free. And they did... With a vengeance.

Monday, June 12th

SAP. "You'd think for someone who has an eating disorder…" Sit next to Edward, and speak very little. "Shh. Too loud for this time of day." I'm pretty sure he thinks I am bipolar. Eat what I can for breakfast; not everyone needs their weight in carbs to make it through the day. Rip off the crusts. Always feel him next to me; I know nothing about relationships, other than the fact that I think I'm in one. Trip on my way out of the cafeteria, hope he didn't see. God, he's cute. Really, really hope he didn't notice. Instinctively act like a dick toward his friends, and pretend it has nothing to do with the fact that I am clearly falling for him.

Think about being with Edward, how we came to be… whatever we are. Guess it could be a formula. Meet boy. See his balls. Get locked in a cabin with him. Kiss him in a meadow. Let him make you bleed. Kiss him again. Never touch his penis. Does he not think I'm pretty? Why doesn't he want me to touch him? Let things unfold. Let him tell me his issues. Don't share mine. Eat 300 more calories a day, because he always seems so relieved when I eat more than I intended.

Hope his boss isn't mad. We are terrible at keeping secrets. Crazy ex-girlfriend finds out. We pretend she doesn't exist. His friends know, and I can tell they don't know if they should be happy or not. Maybe we should take this as a sign? Push that thought out of my head. It makes me nauseous. Thinking about not being near him makes me nauseous. Thinking about him not stumbling, literally, all over my life makes me nauseous. My head hurts. Briefly consider throwing up lunch, but realize there are probably people trained to notice if I do or not. Instead, internally mope. Write in a book I hope Charlie and Sue never read. Hope to God things blow over. Hope to God he'll kiss me again.

By the time I'd finished my first entry into my journal of Shit I Don't Say Out Loud (SIDSOL), Emmett told us it was time for us to go back to our cabins. I was so not excited for that. I hated my bed; I disliked most of my cabin mates, and with an exception of Esme and Alice, there was literally nothing of interest for me in the entire building. Sadly, I had no choice in going. I grumbled to myself the entire walk there, mostly nonsensical and petty arguments that served no purpose other than to entertain me for the ten minute hike. (If it was a walk that lasted more than three minutes, it was a hike. It's my head and my monologue. I can use whatever words I want.)

I walked into the cabin and internally groaned. Another goddamned circle of people. Jesus, did these people not know any other way to sit a group of people? Regardless, I sat between Alice and Jen. Though Jen and I had spoken very little to each other, I liked to think of her as a silent confidant. I didn't know her issues, I didn't even know if she drank as much as it seemed, but I knew that I liked her. Sitting next to her worked for me.

"Oh, good!" Esme clasped her hands together in front of her chest, looking serene and ridiculously happy.

"We're all here! I'm so glad. I was thinking that since this is the first day of a new rotation, we could go around the circle and say what we liked and disliked about our days. Please, ladies, don't disregard what you dislike. It is just as important as what you do like."

I rolled my eyes. Oh, goodie, another group discussion.

No one spoke up first, so Esme began.

"I absolutely _love_ having a cabin mate with me first thing in the morning! Seeing Bella, after breakfast, is a joy, especially when she speaks up. So insightful about literature! It is an absolute pleasure, miss Bella!" She paused to give me an overly-long smile, which I felt compelled to reciprocate.

"The only displeasure I have in my day, thus far, was that there was no bacon left this morning when I got to breakfast. How sad!" She laughed, light-heartedly, as she placed her hand on her chest in a mock-horror fashion. Dammit. She was just too cute.

Esme indicated for Melanie, who was to her left, to take her turn. Melanie looked down-right pissed that she had to speak. I enjoyed her.

"I liked Bella's verbal diarrhea during group discussion. I disliked lifeguard lessons with Edward."

I desperately wanted to ask her about her activity with Edward. I was maybe, possibly, just a little jealous that she got to see him during an activity. I didn't voice it out loud, though, because Alice started speaking. And because I have principles, dammit.

"I love, love, love having breakfast with my best friend and my boy-" Alice stopped suddenly, most likely so that no one would know she was breaking rules by dating Jasper. "-s. My boys, in the morning. I love being near friends, sharing a good meal. Sorry you missed out on the bacon, Esme. I'm pretty sure that Emmett and I ate all of it. My only dislike is that Bella and I have no activities together! Oh, well. Next time." She tapped her temple and gave me a knowing look. _Awesome._ I rolled my eyes.

I realized everyone was looking at me, then. Ah, shit. It was my turn.

"I like my activities, content wise, as a whole. I was not expecting to be intellectually stimulated while here. I disliked my group discussion being outside. I like my activities indoors; the sun and I do not agree." I then proceeded to poke the light sunburn on my arm, showing the group of women gathered around me that SPF 30 clearly did not cut it. Esme and Alice laughed; none of the other girls even paid attention.

"Yeah…" Jen, in her completely resigned, sober voice began her turn. "I like-"

Jen was cut off, then, by the front door of the cabin bursting open. Well the door opening, and Edward fantastically tripping over the door frame. He's nothing if not consistent.

"I'm so sorry to interrupt, ladies!" Edward was mildly flushed, and spoke directly to me, even though his words indicated the other women in the room.

"I need to steal Bella away for a moment. There's apparently a slight problem with her schedule that needs to be remedied…"

I looked to Esme, who had the strangest expression on her face. At first, I thought I saw amusement, but it quickly changed to a look of resolution. She appeared to be reasoning with herself, and when one part of her mind won, it was quite obvious.

"Of course, Edward. Go ahead, Bella. I'm sure we'll see you at dinner."

Esme smiled at me almost deviously, as if we shared a secret. I looked between her and Edward, who nodded imperceptibly. I said a quick goodbye to the other girls and followed Edward out. Once we were a suitable distance from the cabin, walking in the direction of the basketball courts, I finally spoke up.

"What's wrong with my schedule? And why did Esme look at me like that?"

"There's nothing wrong with your schedule. I just needed an excuse to get you out. I know you well enough to know that cabin time will never be your thing." He looked over to me and winked, moments before tripping over nothing and almost falling on his face. I grabbed his arm tightly to hold him up, which worked to keep him vertical, for the most part. He blushed slightly but stood upright again to continue walking with me, grabbing my hand tightly in his.

When we arrived at the meadow, there were no fancy candles. There was nothing overtly romantic or aggressively suggestive. There was just a blanket, a bottle of wine, and a picnic basket.

In my mind, the basket was filled with fruits and vegetables and no judgment. I knew better, but I let myself relish in the moment.

I sat down on the blanket, and stared blankly at Edward when he sat across from me. I really had no idea why he had called me out of that (abysmal) Cabin Time. Sure, I was thankful, but I had no idea why he did it. In normal Edward fashion, he (awkwardly) read my mind.

"I, uh… well, it's just. I knew you wouldn't want to be there. And I figured, together, we could have that discussion, instead of around other people. And, you know… I have food here, and wine, and if we didn't go back for dinner no one would notice, so we could probably… Well, it doesn't matter. I just thought you'd like this more."

He looked at me from under his lashes, and I fleetingly wondered what woman taught him all of his tricks. Clearly, these were the wiles of a woman. More confusing than that, though, was that they worked on me. Was I the man in this relationship? My life was confusing.

"What did you think I wanted to discuss?" I was wary; what was he going to bring up? I hadn't shown anyone my journal yet, but lord only knew what when on in this place. Were there secret cameras? The fee for attendance really was a lot, and when you factored in how little the food probably cost…

"Your day, mostly. How your activities went, how you did or didn't like them. Do you like the people in your activities? We can probably change them if you want."

He looked so desperate to please me that I wanted to smack him. I could handle that shit on my own. I didn't need a babysitter who would handle my problems for me. I was a big girl; I could do that on my own. Instead, I took a deep breath. No need to lash out at Edward. He was all cute and innocent and un-tainted by a Bella-type rant. Those things could destroy someone. And he really, really was cute.

Edward had more daddy issues than a Vegas stripper, but that didn't make him any less attractive. Seriously, though, all he was missing was that unmistakable smell of cheap liquor and broken dreams. I looked in his eyes and tried to figure out how I wanted what I was going to say to come out; I could let him feel the true essence of my thoughts – straight up annoyance and mild anger. I could let him feel the absolute fury of the teen angst in me, that same angst that almost reared its ugly head at Emmett earlier in the day. Instead, though, I decided on the mature side of my mind, the side that took deep breaths, and thought things through, and considered words before they were spoken in order to properly respect whom they were spoken to. I had a small level of disdain for that side of me, but that side clearly had to be the one to flourish. Unfortunately, that was how life worked.

"I liked most of my day. I despised the first half of my group discussion with Emmett, but after he – appropriately – whipped my ass into shape on the subject, I hated it less. I worked on my journal for Rose's activity, after advice from Dr. Cullen, and feel like I made progress. I'm not going to lie, though, the best part of the day is already this, and we just got here."

I looked up to Edward, slowly, feeling a bright red flush run across my cheeks… and then down my neck and to my chest. Fuck that blush. That blush and I were going to have some words.

It didn't matter, because Edward flew into action as if that blush had unlocked a caveman inside of him. He dove onto me, forcing me to lie down on the blanket, and kissed my face, lips, neck, chest, and anything else he could with vigor. Edward was hot for me, and dammit-all, I could have died when I realized just how much he had lost control. This was not awkward, oh-I-trip-every-five-seconds Edward. This was magic-sex-hands-Bronze-Boy at my disposal. _Don't mind if I do._

I instantly knew that this wasn't going to be like our last forays into the realm of sex. This was way, way different. Edward was practically worshiping me. His kisses were reverent, his touches gentle and loving. It was like he was speaking silent words with every whispering touch and every press of his lips.

When he let his hands drift down my sides, so slowly I thought I might die, I thought I would scream when he met that open space between my shirt and my jeans – that quarter inch of bare flesh held more eroticism than I thought possible. He moved his fingers slowly, back and forth, along the open expanse of my skin. I desperately needed more and let him know by raising my hips up, showing him where I wanted him to touch. He ignored me.

He continued to tease the skin there, which before that moment had not been sensitive, and I shuddered. I couldn't take it anymore. He needed to feel the extent of his actions.

I ran my hands down his sides, and I let my fingers tickle the skin between his horrifically worn Brand New t-shirt and his (what appeared to be) even older jeans. I trailed my fingers along the horizontal length exposed to me and enjoyed the feel of the downy hairs of his happy trail that were exposed.

He began to make the same noises as me, and I realized how much more I enjoyed his noises than I did the actions of him making me make mine. That had never happened to me before. That moment of realization turned me into a mad woman. I needed to make him make them again. It was ia frantic desperation.

I remembered what he said before, about how he didn't let women go there, because of his issues. I promptly ignored that. I slowly unbuttoned his pants, and he waited until his zipper was halfway un-zipped to protest.

"Please, Bella"

"Please what?" I asked as I awkwardly tried to unzip his jeans as I kissed his neck, his ears… anything I could get my lips on. I wanted to make him feel the same way he made me feel.

"Please, don't do that," he finally said as I gripped him around his boxers. Say what again? He didn't want this? Was he fucking serious?

"What?"

"Please, let me make you happy. Don't worry about me."

"This will make me happy. Am I doing it wrong? You can tell me. Just… I want to do this, Edward. Tell me how to do it so you'll like it." I took a deep breath, realizing this could end horribly. I had enough experience to know how to do what I was doing correctly. I didn't want to fuck it up, but I also realized that if he didn't like it, that it meant that he just… didn't like me. I instantly assumed it had to do with how I looked. Those five pounds weren't coming off any faster since I'd begun to up my calorie intake.

"Trust me." He paused to place his hand on the side of my face. "It has nothing to do with you. This is all me." He looked genuine, but that counted for nothing with me. What was I doing wrong?

"I don't understand."

I brushed my hand along the bare skin exposed between his shirt and his jeans again and felt him jump against my hip. He was clearly ready, and yet refused to let me continue. What was wrong with me?

"No, please…" He paused, thinking. He had to actually think of an excuse to not let me touch him. What the fuck was wrong with me that I couldn't touch him? I didn't understand. At all. Weight? Then why did he constantly feed me? Looks in general? Then why did he have a boner? Personality? Then why the fuck was I here. I didn't understand, and I was starting to get pissed.

"You need to tell me what's wrong. I can't… Just, tell me. What's wrong with me?" I tried to make my face look impassive, but I was pretty sure I just looked desperate. I didn't know how to look otherwise.

While Edward sat silently, I took a mental step back from the situation. After a moment, a thought occurred to me. Sure, Bronze Boy was super awesome at sex-like things, but the kid was a spazzy freak. A cute spazzy freak, but an absolute klutz, none-the-less. How did I find myself in a situation where I was begging him to let me touch his peen? _Lightbulb._ This kid was a master at manipulation, like that episode of Friends… I was instantly pissed.

"Oh, my god. You're good. You son of a bitch. Where did you even come up with this ploy? I applaud you on your originality and foresight, but seriously, do you always put this much work into it? I actually thought you were trying to help me. Jig is up, hot stuff. How many girls have you gotten to just beg to touch you?" Another lightbulb.

"Oh my god, EW! Is that why Tanya tried to whack you off under the table? Jesus, Edward! Don't you have any shame?"

I sat for a moment, trying to gather my wits. I just couldn't believe him. It made perfect sense, though. Everything he said added up to this point; he was _the_ master manipulator. Pick out girl, find her flaws, try to help her fix them, please her sexually, don't let her touch you until she begs you to let her. It was absolutely prodigious. Fucking asshole.

When I gathered enough of my wits about me, I began to stand up. Edward stood with me, looking panicked.

"I don't know what you're talking about. I mean, I understand where you are going with your thoughts, but that just isn't me. Everything I said was true."

I ignored him and straightened out my clothes, getting ready to leave that god forsaken meadow for good.

"Really, Bella. I promise, I didn't lie. I've got issues. Why the fuck do you think I'm here, for Christ's sake? Because I think it's fun? I'm fucked up. I haven't had an orgasm in four years. Four! If you don't believe me, ask Tanya. I mean, I wouldn't intentionally put anyone through that… but, if you don't believe me then ask her. I am fucked up. I was starting to think you could help me with that. I wasn't there yet, but I could see it happening. Please, don't leave me now. Not when I can see us being normal together.

"I have this image in my head of us, out to dinner, where we _both_ eat our fill. We go to an apartment we share together, and we have sex, and we _both_ have orgasms. It's the best thing I could ever think of imagining. Don't take it away, Bella. Not yet."

I ran my hands over my face, thinking. He was either an absolute twat, or an adorably messed up boy. Both seemed entirely plausible. Before I knew what was happening, I apparently decided to believe him.

"If you fuck me over, BB, I swear to god, I will literally kill you. I'm talking bloodbath. I'm-a rip your limbs from your body and staple them to your chest. Capice?"

Edward blanched but nodded slowly in understanding.

"So, you'll give me a chance?" He avoided looking at me, instead choosing to straighten out his worn out t-shirt. I watched the chess pieces on the shirt straighten out, and then as he let go of the hem, they re-wrinkled themselves. Neat, he was not.

"I guess."

Ah, shit. Was I, like, his girlfriend now?

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><p>Thank you for reading! The reviews make me so, so happy.<p>

Again, reviewers get a teaser!

xoxo


	13. Pot, roof, fail

**Well, hello, ladies and gents!**

**Sigh. My RL has been kicking my ass. Which is why this took so long.**

**I could explain all of the reasons why, but we all know you just want the update.**

**A note about the update, since it's been so long - please, keep in mind, this will be TUESDAY, Bella's SECOND day of her program. Yes, she got there Friday, but her program didn't start until Monday. So, technically, this is day two. Just keep that in mind as you read.**

**As always, thank you to miss Breath-of-twilight for her... well, awesomeness. I think I love her a little. Just sayin.**

**Please enjoy...**

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><p>After Edward took me back to my cabin that night, Alice and I sat on the porch steps smoking cigarettes. She appeared to be trying incredibly hard not to press me for information about Edward. I could tell because she was sitting on both of her hands, taking quick drags of the cigarette she was holding in her teeth and bouncing a bit. I finally had to bring it up myself, for fear her tiny body would explode with all of the questions she was holding inside. She worried me sometimes.<p>

"You can ask me, you know." I spoke around my smoke, wondering what parts she already knew.

"Oh, thank god! I was dying over here. What happened after you went all apeshit on him?" She was bouncing again. At least, that's what I had assumed she was doing. I saw bouncing pigtails in my peripheral, but didn't bother looking over to verify. I briefly wondered what the fuck her thing with pigtails was, but ignored it.

"I think I somehow agreed to dating him. It's all still sort of hazy. I was hoping you would have seen that part, you know? Filled me in on what I apparently missed?"

Alice rolled her eyes, but didn't say anything else. She got thather faraway look on her face again, and then sort of blanched before quickly mumbling that she was going to go to bed. I ignored her, because trying to figure her out was sort of pointless.

Tuesday morning came quickly, kicking ass and taking names. I woke up sweating from head to toe, with bits and pieces of dreams from the night before still lingering. After I realized that it was improbable that there were polar bears inside the shower stalls, I sat up slowly. The entire cabin felt like a sauna. Hell, even mMy sweat was sweating.

Have you ever been so goddam hot that the bottoms of your boobs feel like they are sticking to your chest? Well, that is exactly how hot I was in that moment and I have almost zero boob, and yet I still felt like I'd need a paint scraper to peel them away from the skin covering my ribs underneath. _How is it possible for it to get this hot this far above the equator? I need to look into this global warming shit._

Boob stickage aside, it was just plain fucking hot.

Apparently, everyone else had come to that realization already, and headed to the better air-conditioned cafeteria for breakfast early. I was the last, sweaty Mohican. I took a quick, freezing (polar bear-free) shower and practically ran to breakfast. By "practically ran" I really mean "almost power-walked," because seriously, who runs?

The cafeteria was a mad house. I'd never noticed before that most people didn't eat breakfast there, but that morning, fucking _everyone_ was in there. It pretty much evened out the coolness of the air conditioning, but after my brisk(ish) walk from my cabin, I wasn't about to complain.

Breakfast was the same basic affair as Monday; Edward trying to feed me carbs, Alice looking like one of those KY Intense ads (you know, with the couples with the hair all crazy and the doped up smiles?), and Jasper just yap yap yapping away. I, naturally, ignored everyone there and downed as much coffee as possible in order to get ready for the day. I knew the heat was going to go to my head, and if Tanya said one word, I swear by the end of the day she was going to be missing some teeth. I smiled at thate mental image.

Despite my three cups of coffee, I was still pretty much on autopilot all morning. I couldn't even begin to tell you what happened during my activity with Esme. I was relatively sure there was talking involved, but I can guarantee I was not a part of it.

Rose's activity, though, I remember.

Tanya's cronies were all busy with little heart stickers and photographs and acid-free paper, and I sat at my table in the front right, talking with Rose. I really did like Rose. Mainly because she expected little other than respect, and didn't treat me like a child.

"So, rumor has it that Eddie pulled you out of cabin time. Should I be mentally checking off surfaces of the camp to not sit on? I don't want Edward's ass juice on my clothes."

I grimaced at her word choice, and shook my head lightly.

"Definitely not. We were just talking. The kid is, like, afraid of his own penis or something. I'm not sure. It's kind of hard to figure out what's going on in his head. All I know is that I am not the only one in that relationship who has some serious fucking issues." I had opened up a page in my journal, and was doodling with one of the nice pens laid out on the table. It felt a little awkward to be talking about what was going on with Rose, even if I knew she probably had some good insight into Bronze Boy's wounded little mind.

"What do you mean he's afraid of his own junk?"

I looked up from my very in depth drawing of a tiger (I'm a horrible artist. It looked like a lumpy dog with a skin condition), to see Rose look like she was trying to divide the number 20 by the color purple. I wanted to take a picture of that face.

"I mean he won't touch it. And he won't let me touch it. It doesn't get touched. Well, I'm sure he has to hold it to pee, but he doesn't do anything fun with it. Ever."

"Why the hell not? My god, who knew he was such a eunuch? Emmett can't go, like, three seconds without jacking off. How does Edward survive?" She looked almost horrified.

"The million dollar question, apparently." Even I could hear the amount of bitterness in my voice. I chose to pretend I was unaware of its presence.

I wanted to change the conversation, because thinking about it still pissed me off. I wasn't one hundred percent sure yet if I believed him. Like Rose said; men don't fear their penis, they worship it. Edward was really, really different than most men, though. When the hell had myMy life become sowas difficult?.

I didn't have time to change the conversation from BB to something else, though, because I was suddenly being rushed out the door by Rose to go to lunch.

I hated lunch with Dr. Cullen. It was fucking horrible.

Three cigarettes on my walk laterwith me walking at a snail's pace later, I had calmed down enough to go into the cabin. Once again, the sound of the door shutting behind me alerted him to my presence, and he yelled for me to come into the room in the back where our session would be. Oh gGoodie!.

I mumbled a greeting and plopped down on the couch where I knew he would tell me to sit. Dr. Cullen looked a little out of sorts, to be honest. His hair was a bit askew, though in an attractive way;, and when he turned around, I could see that the back of his shirt was a little untucked. When I noticed that his lips appeared a bit swollen, I quickly realized what I was seeing the aftermath of and became insanely interested in the corded edge of the sofa cushion.

I heard Dr. Cullen sit down and sigh, though not unhappily. I wanted to roll my eyes. _Men._ Or, more accurately, _Every fucking man but mine._ Then all thought stopped. _Mine_? Sure, it had a nice ring to it, but I think that was moving a bit fast. I took a deep breath, and looked over the low table between Dr. Cullen and me. He was a little kinder in his lunch choices, which I was incredibly grateful for.

"So, Bella, how is day two going?"

I looked up at him, and it was just so obvious. His cheeks were a bit rosy;, he even looked a little dazed. I wasn't going to lie, he kind ofseriously looked even hotter than usual.

"Not as well as yours, apparently,." I mumbled quietly to myself, trying to hide my laugh.

"Why do you say that?" hHe asked, tilting his head to one side. Okay, apparently I wasn't as quiet as I thought.

"Don't worry about it. My day has been's okay, I guess."

"All right, then. We can talk about whatever that was later." He tried to sneakily lift his hands to fix his hair, and I raised an eyebrow at him that said "busted." He quickly lowered his hands and sat up a bit straighter.

"Okay, I want to try something new today. I want you to make your lunch plate with what you feel is the appropriate amount of food and nutrition, and then explain to me why you chose everything. And before you freak out," he leveled a look at me, "this is not a test. I just want to see your reasoning, and your methods, and to know you a little more."

That was so not going to go well. I sighed a little as I sat shimmied closer to the edge of the couch, and grabbed one of the paper plates. After looking at everything on the table, I made my decisions and went to work. One strawberry, three carrot sticks, and a fist-sized amount of salad. I grabbed a fork and sat back. I was about to explain everything to him, when he tried to hand me a salad dressing packet.

"No." I held up a firm hand to stop him. I could feel him restraining the eye roll, but he gently put the packet back on the table.

"Okay, so, why did you choose what you chose?" He had on his "serious doctor face." I was the patient, so unlike him I felt free to roll my eyes. I pretended that look on his face was jealousy and not annoyance. I wasam not above making up reasons to make myself feel better.

"A strawberry, because they are awesome. Only fruit with the seeds on the outside, if you arein case you were curious. Three carrot sticks, because vegetables are important, and carrots are good for your eyes. Salad helps with digestion, and is more filling than people assume." I was honest, and spoke quickly. I wanted this part to be over. I also spoke directly to the juncture of his eyebrows, drawing mental connections between his good looks and Anderson Cooper's. Both men were just obnoxiously attractive, and had that sexy , permanent "thinking" line between their brows. Seriously. Google Anderson Cooper. You'll see what I'm talking about, and then get all swoon-y, too.

"I concede all of your points. However, if I may give my input?" He indicated the general direction of my plate, and I had no choice but to nod.

"Every point you made is true, with an exception of the fact that your plate would be the appropriate amount of food for a person who weighed about 70 pounds. Bella, you're seventeen years old, not nine. You are clearly underweight, and I know this without having to look at your file.

"I'm not going to lecture you; you and I are both smart enough to know that it would be pointless, and an insult to both of our intelligence. I'm just going to ask you a favor." I took in a deep breath with the intent to interrupt him, to tell him that if he just asked me to stop it would. He held up a hand, cutting me off before I even spoke.

"I'm not going to ask you to think of other people, or to eat what you should eat, or to keep a food journal. I don't care about that crap. I just want to make a deal with you."

I didn't respond. I was not about to agree to anything without hearing the terms.

"I want you to tell me, honestly, how many calories you eat a day. And before you try it, saying 'I don't know' is bull. You won't get in trouble. I promise."

I debated for a second. I could lie, tell him I ate just under the recommended amount for my height and age; or I could tell him the truth. I was soon realizing that it was really, realty fucking hard to lie to Dr. Cullen. I sighed, and sat back on the couch, looking up at the ceiling. I liked speaking to him that way best. Less pressure, or something.

"Before I got here, or the past two days or so?" I hated admitting, to him and to myself, that there was a difference. That Edward was making me fight myself. It sort of made me feel like a failure… like all Edward had to do was look at me the right way, and I was throwing away the few things I knew I was good at. I was good at my diet, so I could keep losing weight. I was good at snark, I was good at not giving a shit (most of the time). Edward was starting to make me not good at those things anymore. Regardless, Dr. Cullen needed an answer.

"The past two days."

I continued looking at the ceiling, taking deep breaths. God, therapy was fucking stupid.

"Lately I've been floating around 1,000. Depends on the day." I carefully kept my voice emotionless; I didn't want to admit to that being an unhealthy number, and I also didn't want to admit that I was ashamed of how high it was. I was walking a fine line.

"Are you aware of the recommended daily caloric intake for a person of your age, height, and frame?" Dr. Cullen asked me calmly. I snapped my head forward to look at him.

"Are you aware of the percentage of people in the United States who are overweight?" It came out much harsher than I'd intended.

"Do you think those people eat the recommended daily totals, or more? I'm not trying to argue with you, Bella. I just want to know what you are thinking. Throw me a bone here." He looked genuine, and concerned, and I hated it. I hated that look. Like he thought he had to fix me. I decided against responding.

"Okay, fine. Let's do this a different way. How tall are you?"

"Five foot two."

"How much do you weight?"

"One hundred and three." I cringed a little at the number.

"How much would you like to ideally weight?" His voice was tight, but calm.

"Ideally, 95. I'd take 98, though."

"All right. We're low on time. For now, I want you to keep working on your journal and… well, just try to keep your caloric levels from day to day constant. I am trusting you with this, so please trust me in return. Bella, please don't make me change your team color, okay? I don't want you to resent me. To be honest, I just want us to be friends."

I stared at him, kind of bored, but afraid to say anything because I really, really didn't want my color to change. I had enough freedom for me to not want to incessantly rebel; I couldn't guarantee that if I lost even the tiniest bit of that freedom, I wouldn't be doing panty raids in the boys' cabins and putting orange hair dye in the mentors' shampoo bottles. I liked to think I was turning over a new, mature leaf… but it was a slow and inconsistent process at best.

We made our quick and mildly strained goodbyes, and I grumbled my entire walk to C1 for my progress group discussion with some woman named Alma. I had heard next to nothing about her, other than the fact that she took shit from no one. I mentally put on my big girl panties as I left the cabin, and walked toward my group progress discussion. I just kept thinking to myself - no one has said they hate her, so she's gotta be pretty awesome.

I'd never been so wrong in my entire life. Never, ever ever ever ever ever. There still aren't weren't enough 'ever's in that statement. EVER.

I walked up to C1, pleasantly surprised that the door was open, meaning we would be indoors for our group discussion that day. I was happy; I was going to avoid sunburn, and say as little as possible, and be a non-brat, because I didn't want a repeat of the day before.

I sat between Jen and Melanie, said hey, and then hunkered down for whatever garbage a "progress" group discussion would entail. I looked to my left at Jen, who seemed like she was on the business end of a hangover. Melanie, on my right, looked like she was plotting everyone in the room's death; but when she bent down to retie her giant, clunky Dr. Marten's I noticed the Hello Kitty underwear sticking out of the back of her pants. Who knew? Crazy goth chick had a heart. Did Marilyn Manson know about this?

When I was in the process of trying to figure out if Melanie was afraid of people touching her shit because they'd find out her deep secret – she's actually normal, with equal parts dark / twisted, and stuck in her childhood – a woman walked in the room, shutting the door behind her.

Something about this woman immediately set me on edge. She was beautiful, that was for sure. She was taller than me, maybe Rosalie's height, with long, perfectly wavy black hair and big green eyes. From the neck down, you would never have known her age; she wore perfectly fitted dark blue skinny jeans, knee-high leather boots with a low heel and a black and grey striped sweater. From the neck up she was still beautiful, albeit she wore just a bit too much makeup, which only highlighted the number of wrinkles on her face. She looked more tired than anything else.

"All right, children. Let's sit down." She sounded bored, and almost confrontational… do you know how strange that mix is? It's weird, and sort of concerns you from the get-go.

"My name is Dr. Alma Bentz, and I'll be leading your Group Progress Discussions. Let's go around and say all of our names," she said as if she were speaking to the mentally handicapped. We weren't handicapped, we were distraught, and disturbed, and confused… regardless, our IQs were probably all higher than hers, and I was instantly pissed that she treated us as if we were five5 years old.

Regardless, we did as she asked, and after we all had said our names, she went around in the circle to ask us all how we were feeling in regards to our program, and if our activities and our stay at SAP were helping us. I wanted desperately to understand her motivations; she worked at the camp, she was one of three psychologists. Of course she would want to know if the camp was helping us; even if her only goal was to make money, her only chance of accomplishing that was to help people. Before she spoke again, I had assumed her goal was to help us all get better; sure, the ultimate goal would be money, but the means would result in us all feeling even a little bit better.

So, as everyone went around the circle, and spoke speaking about how they felt about SAP, my spirits lifted. I was actually starting to like Alma; she was interested in what everyone said, and I was grateful. I knew I waswe were incredibly lucky to have her understand and appreciate the issues her patients were trying to overcome.

Sooner than I'd expected, it was Jen's turn. Jen was trying to talk about how well she was doing with her program, without actually revealing any details of what her program involved. Literally, the only thing I gathered about Jen from her little monologue was that she was doing "much better," and she was proud of herself. She was an odd bird, but she was good people.

When Jen finished speaking, Alma's head snapped in my direction, and she immediately narrowed her eyes at me. I actually winced. That look was scary as fuck. I'd smacked worse looks off of scarier people's faces before, though, so I sat up a little straighter in my seat, ready for a showdown. I was hot, I already needed a cigarette, and this woman was instantly grating on my last nerve. I was prepared for fucking battle.

"Bella." She said my name, but it really sounded like "fuck you." Great!.

"Tell me, how are you handling your stay at SAP? I haven't heard of any fist fights involving you, so it's clearly going better than your school year." Fucking bitch.

"I haven't even been here a week. Let's not get ahead of ourselves." I went through a stage in middle school, before I had any friends, where I would follow the badass kids everyone was afraid of around. I figured, they at least had some friends, and no one made fun of them, so I could probably learn a thing or two from them. I followed at a distance, and watched them withat an almost creepy level of attention. I didn't notice many things they all had in common (other than being assholes), but one thing I did notice was that they never, ever broke eye contact. Never. They barely even blinked. They looked you in the eyes so intensely that it almost seemed like they were trying to suck your life soul out through your pupils. I employed this tactic, because if this bitch was gonna be a bully, I was gonna be even worse.

"It's been brought to my attention that your aggressive nature might be a cause of concern here at SAP. I'm happy to see it hasn't made an appearance thus far." The look on her face said that she was just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

"Well, so far no one's fucked me over yet. You offering?"

"Honestly, Bella! We do not speak that way at this camp! If you cannot be mature in this circle, and at this camp, then we will take this matter to the Hales." Her face was red, but the tips of her nostrils were a stark white. She looked about thirty seconds away from shooting smoke and flames out of her nose. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't the damn near funniest thing I'd ever seen in my life.

"My apologies. Whatever you say, Doc." I sat up straight and gave her a small salute. I didn't know what that lady's deal was, but until I figured out how to get to her, I was going to follow her rules. Apparently, my wait wasn't going to be long.

"I don't need a smart-alleck disrupting my discussion group. Go wait on the porch, Bella. We'll discuss this at the end of the activity." Without another glance in my direction, she moved her gaze to Melanie, who made a small snorting sound out of her nose and began to mumble about her day as I made my exit.

I sat down under a window on the uncomfortable hard wood floor of the patio and pulled out my cigarettes, making it a point to enjoy my apparent free time. I took out my journal for Rose's activity and decided to write a little. Alma could be a bitch all she wanted – I was going to be productive and impress my _actual_ doctor.

_ Cigarettes and high calorie counts and loaded questions and even more loaded stares, and no one is fucking saying what they are thinking and no one is touching. No, that's not true. _I'm_ not touching. Just me. Because he doesn't fucking want me to. What the fuck is that? I don't understand why Edward doesn't want me to touch him. It's getting to the point where I have narrowed it down to two explanations: he's telling the truth, or there's something wrong with me._

_ How the hell am I supposed to figure out which of those is the truth? Asking him isn't going to do anything, and it's not like I can just ask someone. There is nothing more annoying than people who incessantly talk about their feelings. It just grates on my nerves. I cannot be that person, I'm already way to fucked up to begin with._

_ Logic and history lead me to think that Edward's issue is related to me, and not his problems. If I were to think about every aspect of my life, I am failing fantastically at each._

_Family (hates me), friends (my best friend sees the goddamn future. And is she really a best friend if I've only known her for a few days?), love (my boyfriend won't let me touch him), intelligence (I'm not even smart enough to not punch people in the cafeteria of my high school), appearance (where do we even start? Maybe the fact that I'm probably the only person with an "eating disorder" to ever look this abhorrently fat?)…_

_ At least I can be absolutely certain of one thing – Edward could never, ever hate me more than I do._

_ That's the most comforting thought I've had all day._

"Bella?" I keptep my head down toward my journal and closed my eyes. Of course he would show up when I was writing about him. Why wouldn't he? I just couldn't fucking win.

I looked up to see him standing there looking more attractive than he should be allowed to at a place like SAP – I mean, it was a place for people with serious issues. One of those had to be sex addiction, and he was walking around like _that?_

He was wearing solid black swim trunks and flip flops, and that was it. He was still wet, presumably from his lifeguard lessons, with his soaked hair slicked back off of his face and dripping down onto his shoulders. It reminded me a little of when we'd been making out in the creek in the meadow. You know, before I passed out.

"Hey." I was a mixed up ball of emotions, and tried to keep calm to make sure the wrong ones didn't come out directed at Edward. Apparently, I sucked at playing it cool, though, because his face instantly scrunched up with worry.

"What's wrong?" He leapt up the stairs toward me, and sat unceremoniously in front of me on the porch. He was careful not to get too close, almost acting like I was a rabid animal. It would have been funny at the time if I wasn't so all over the map emotionally

"Rough day. Shouldn't you be teaching people how to … uh, lifeguard?" I looked down at the now closed journal in my hands, suddenly feeling self-conscious about what I chose to decorate it with. Suddenly, the cut outs from magazines that said things like "I really moustache you a question, but I'll shave it for later," "The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list," and "When life gives you lemons, burn life's house down," all seemed stupid and childish and ultimately like they made me even less attractive.

"I let everyone go early. One of the girls had a bathing suit… malfunction. No one else seemed to be able to keep their head in the game after that." His cheeks flushed slightly, but I could tell it was just from embarrassment about the situation.

"Yeah, that'll happen. Cunt-master Bentz kicked me out of Group Progress discussion. I know it sounds cliché, but that lady's got it in for me." I was trying really hard to talk about my "feelings." Sure, they weren't the ones I really was supposed to discuss, but I had to start somewhere. It was better than writing about it in my journal. Looking at it while sitting next to Edward just made me feel like a huge dweeb.

"Is that why you look so upset?" He was still speaking to me like he was afraid I'd bare my teeth and attack, which I guess was understandable. I did tend to attack when (practically) unprovoked.

"I guess. It's a lot of things. I just… I don't like that woman. I don't like her bringing up my personal shit in group discussions, I don't like the glares she sends my way, I don't like how she just fucking picks on me. It's ridiculous." I was pouting. I knew I was, and I didn't even care. I wanted a little loving from Edward. I was fishing. Shit happens.

"She brought up your program during Group Discussion? Bella, that's really not okay. I think you should talk to Carlisle about it." Edward had an incredibly determined look on his face as he, and abruptly stood up. His hair was starting to dry, which meant it was slowly starting to stick up everywhere. It was the first time I'd ever seen it air-dry before, so I was incredibly entertained by the fact that it just sort of… puffed out from his head in every direction, not dissimilar to when one touches one of those static ball things.

"I don't really feel like it. I'm sorry. I just kind of want to zone out for a bit. My day was shit, and tattling to Dr. Cullen isn't going to make me feel any better." I refused to make eye contact with him, and the irony was not lost on me after my interaction with Alma.

"I get that. I have another idea… you know, if you're up for it?" I'm sure he thought the expression on his face was taunting, but it just looked like his normal sideways grin to me. I didn't mind. I liked the crooked grin.

"Please tell me it involves inebriation and / or breaking rules."

"Oh, sweet Bella. It involves both."

Half an hour later, we were on top of what he claimed was the roof of what used to be a rec center, but was now a storage building for the camp. Along the way, he'd explained that he had a little discussion with Esme, and though he didn't reveal any details, he told me she was aware of the fact that I would no longer be a part of Cabin Time. I was not disappointed.

I still didn't know his plan for while we were up there, but I had an almost astounding amount of trust in his idea regardless. He sat down on the edge of the roof with his feet hanging over the side, and patted the spot to his left for me to sit with him. He gave me a sly grin and turned his back to me, grabbing something out of his back right pocket.

"Just remember this moment if I ever seem uptight, okay?" hHe asked without turning around to look at me.

"Uh. Okay?" I was beginning to get concerned about where this was going. Then he turned around to face me with one perfectly rolled joint in each hand. For some reason, the image of Edward sitting there on the edge of the roof, feet swinging over the edge, with a hopeful smile while holding illegal drugs had me break out into hysterical laughter. I'm talking -so many tears that I couldn't see, completely silent, smacking my thighs because I just didn't know what the fuck else to do -hysterical laughter.

"Why are you laughing at me?"

When my laughter subsided enough for me to see him, I noticed he was slowly moving his hands down into his lap, looking mildly defeated.

"Aw, no. It was just funny to see the Golden Boy looking excited about pot. Well, maybe more like Bronze Boy, if I'mwe are being honest, but still, you get the point… I'm excited. Don't worry." I tried to wink seductively at him, but I'm pretty sure I just looked a little twitchy. Such was life.

"Bronze Boy?"

"Don't worry about it."

Edward gave me a lingering look before turning away. He obviously wanted to know what BB stood for, but I wasn't about to point it out anytime soon.

"So, here, this one is yours." He handed me one of the joints with a lighter, and put the other in his mouth, lighting it with his own lighter.

Just when I was trying to think of entertaining ways to mock him for his, apparent, proclivity toward marijuana, he began to make a coughing noise, as if his second hit had become painful.

"Edward?" I was obviously concerned. I hadn't had a hit yet, but he was on number two, and he was freaking the fuck out.

"Dude?" I looked down at the ground in front of the shady-ass building we were on, to see Emmett waving his hands like a lunatic trying to get our attention.

"Dude! Calm the fuck down. It's just me. I'm gonna come up for some. It smells awesome!"

And the moment he finished his sentence, the shit hit the fan. It was horrific. One second, Edward was next to me, and the next he was falling. Falling two stories, mid-cough (which I am assuming is what caused the fall), and I had no way to stop it. I hadn't even had my first hit yet, and Edward was on his way to death.

He hit the ground with an absolutely horrific crunching sound, and I sat perfectly still, staring at his limp form on the ground, with his left leg bending at an awkward angle, and his left wrist bending the complete wrong way.

I threw up, over the roof (though, thankfully, not on Edward), and felt ashamed of myself as it happened.

_Fuck. How am I going to explain _this_?_

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><p><strong>Please review, cause it's totally better than Edward falling off a roof. And, all of your happy comments  reviews make me write faster (whether you believe me or not.) I love you all!  
><strong>


	14. Paper dresses

**I don't own anything.  
><strong>

**That's right... I'm back! No one wants excuses... you want to know what happened to poor, poor Edward. Sigh. Go! I'll see you at the bottom.**

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><p><em>Fuck, how am I going to explain this?<em>

So, I sat at the top of the roof, looking down at Edward, wondering what the fuck I was going to do.

Emmett was no help, standing stock-still a foot away from Edward's clearly broken form, making awkward chocking sounds and looking panicked.

"Dude, your leg… Oh, fuck! Look at your arm! Man, I can't even…"

Emmett made some more stuttering sounds before turning his back on the scene, mumbling quietly to himself. I rolled my eyes before descending the stairs so I could go down to check on Edward. Saying this was not my plan for the day was beyond an understatement. Alas, the best laid plans…

Once I hit the grass, I booked it around the building, stopping abruptly a few feet from Edward's crumpled body. He was lying on his stomach, legs sprawled, head tilted toward Emmett. He made low, pained moaning sounds, and, for a moment, I was (selfishly) thankful that he was not facing me – I wasn't sure if I could handle the look that would be on his face.

My mind instantly went into overdrive, and I began to pace, manically pulling my hair away from my face.

_Okay. Well, his leg doesn't actually look broken. It just sort of looks like it's lying awkwardly – maybe a sprain, max. That wrist, though… Oh, ew. That wrist. So not good. How many fucking bones are in a wrist? Like, a million, right? Oh, my God. Did he break a million bones? Charlie is going to kill me when he finds out about this._

_ Snap out of it. Not about you. Not about you… Okay. How do we fix this? Well, we can't go to Cuntmaster; she's definitely not going to be any help after that little encounter today… All right. All right, Bella. You got this. Esme? No, she'd cry or something. Rose? No, she'd say it was his own fault. Dr. Cullen? He can help; he's a doctor, right? Or, do shrinks not go to the same school as real doctors? I thought I saw on an episode of _Grey's Anatomy_ that they all started off the same way? Maybe they all know how to fix this shit?_

_ No, he definitely needs a hospital. God, that is like a _million_ broken bones. I don't even-_

"Bella!"

Emmett screaming my name and waving his hands in front of my face snapped me out of my Moment O' Crazy. I looked up at him to see him eyeing at me like I had nine heads.

"If you're done thinking out loud? I'm pretty sure you're freaking Ed out more than he needs right now. We'll touch on who Cuntmaster is later, but right now… I think we need Carlisle."

I shot him a withering look before finally going into action.

"You are not helping! Do you have Dr. Cullen's number?"

He slowly nodded, and I directed Emmett to call him while I made my way around to the other side of Edward, bracing myself for the look on his face. He was… smiling? _Must be shock._

"I break _a million_ bones, and you start grumbling about _Grey's Anatomy…_ Women." His words were bitter, but the tone of them was light, albeit pained.

"I'm so sorry!" I flitted between the ideas of kneeling next to him and backing away to make sure I didn't hurt him more. I decided to get closer.

"I didn't realize I was thinking out loud. For the record, it doesn't look like you broke a million bones…"

"A thousand, maybe?" He grunted as he sat up on his knees, using his good hand for leverage. I held out an arm awkwardly in case he lost his balance (which, let's face it, was always a possibility with him), but he didn't need it. Apparently, injured Edward handled moving about better than normal Edward. The boy was an enigma.

"How's your leg?" I asked quietly, apparently thinking that if my voice was small, the pain would be, too.

"Leg's fine," he groaned around clenched teeth. "The wrist, however, is making me nauseous." He held his wrist against his chest gingerly and I internally gagged at the sight of it just sort of… flopping around. He winced, but dutifully suffered without making a sound.

Before I could say anything back, I heard Emmett snap his phone shut.

"Well," he said, walking back over to us, "they say the weedums helps with that, right? They give it to really sick people. Smoke some more. Can't hurt you now that you're on the ground."

"Shut up," Edward and I both said in unison, causing Edward to laugh, and then instantly wince as the movement got to his wrist. I winced with him.

"What'd Dr. Cullen say?" I was hoping his response would be, _Oh, you silly kids. Not a problem! I'll be right there to fix it, and no one will ever know._

Apparently, I was feeling optimistic that day.

"Doc's on his way. I didn't tell him what you guys were doing, but he's not dumb. He knows we weren't supposed to be over here… He sounded more concerned than pissed, but I dunno how long that'll last." He smirked a little, making his dimples pop out. I wanted to smack him just then.

"You couldn't have made up a story? C'mon, Emmett! He will flip a shit if he finds out what we were doing." I glared at him, hoping I developed some sort of Jedi mind trick that would burn a hole into him. No such luck. I went with the next best thing; I grabbed Edward's fallen joint, and thrust it at Emmett with my still unlit one.

"Here. Take this. Run. I don't care if you smoke them or pull all the seeds out and grow your own fucking plant. Get them as far away from Dr. Cullen as possible. But first –"

I ran to Edward, giving him an apologetic smile before I revealed what I was about to do.

"Okay. Very, very gently, I'm going to take off your shirt. It reeks already, and Dr. Cullen isn't an idiot." I grabbed the hem and lifted gently, trying not to take a look at what I was uncovering. While Edward and I tried to remove it without causing any further pain to his distorted wrist, I spoke to Emmett over my shoulder.

"Take off your shirt, Emmett. You need to switch with Edward. I don't care if it looks like a tube top on you, just do it. I am not dealing with him freaking out over this on top of the broken bones." Before I even had the opportunity to throw any real threats his way, Emmett's shirt fell onto my head, unceremoniously.

After I safely removed Edward's shirt, I threw it behind my back in the general direction I assumed Emmett was in, mumbled something to the effect of "run", and then helped Edward put on Emmett's (much larger) shirt. Hopefully, Dr. Cullen would be too worried about Edward to notice that the shirt he was wearing was designed for a body builder… who wore an overpowering cologne.

After a few minutes, the adrenaline started to leave Edward's body, and he was in bad shape. I didn't know what else to do, so I had him lay down with his head in my lap, and I gently pushed his hair out of his face, over and over, trying to calm him. He was sweating and so pale that I was starting to seriously become concerned.

"Scale of one to ten?" I asked quietly, still afraid to speak too loudly.

"If ten is 'God awful?' Probably a fourteen. Fuck." He groaned and dug his face further into my thigh. I started to hum quietly to him, because I just didn't know what the fuck else to do. It started out as a random tune, but turned into _You Are My Sunshine._ It seemed to calm him down a bit, so I hummed it repeatedly until finally, _finally_, Dr. Cullen showed up.

His normally perfect hair appeared as though he'd been running his hands through it, and his face showed a combination of fear, concern, and anger.

"I called the paramedics, and they're on their way. We are going to pretend that neither of you were breaking any rules here because, to be honest, I am too worried right now to worry about being mad at either of you." He gave Bella a stern look before kneeling beside Edward.

"How are you feeling?" His voice was gentle and fatherly.

Edward made a garbled sound without bothering to open his eyes. Dr. Cullen nodded as if that were a valid response before standing, then helping both Edward and I to stand with him.

After Dr. Cullen explained that it would be easier if we all made our way to the nearest parking lot, in order to be closer to the EMTs when they got there, he silently lead the way. I had a sick feeling in my stomach, waiting for him to yell at us, or scold us, or something. He didn't, though. He stayed silent… which, to be honest, was kind of worse.

Once we made it to the parking lot, there was much fanfare from the other campers, which Dr. Cullen tried to fend off. It didn't go so well. The EMTs made appropriately appreciative/disgusted/amazed noises and comments at Edward's wrist. He was not amused.

When it came time for them to put Edward into the ambulance, he was told that only Dr. Cullen could go with him.

The phrase "hissy fit" would be an absolute understatement in reference to the way Edward reacted. He went completely apeshit. There was yelling, cursing, and at one point, I'm pretty sure a threat at the pudgy EMT's life. Edward went nuts.

"I apologize, but it is not done. Since you have no family here, only an official of the establishment may accompany you in the vehicle to the hospital. There is nothing we can do," the pudgy man said in a "you are nuts, why am I speaking to you as if you are sane?" voice.

Edward's response was to turn away from the EMT and begin walking in the direction of the cabins. Dr. Cullen looked from the back of Edward's head, to the EMT, and the expression on his face was unreadable.

"Edward! Stop! Where are you going?" Dr. Cullen began slowly jogging to catch up to Edward. Against my better judgment, I followed suit, trying to stay silent while keeping in earshot.

"If she's not going, then I'm not going. I don't care if the prick with the power complex has a uniform, it doesn't mean I'm going to listen to him. She stays here, I stay here." Edward's voice trembled a little; his face was getting paler by the second, and as he held his wrist loosely, though closely, to his chest I began to notice just how wobbly he was on his feet.

"Edward, you cannot just ignore this. I understand you're upset, but you can't just pretend that you didn't break… well, most likely four or more bones. Let's hope it's only four breaks..." Dr. Cullen paused, sighed, and ran a hand down his face. "It doesn't matter how many bones are broken right now. What matters is that if we don't get that taken care of very soon, you will be lucky to have any function in that part of your arm at all."

Edward paused with his back still to Dr. Cullen, lowering his head and visibly shrinking at the thought.

"Look. Not to break up this little moment of 'realism' or whatever you two are doing… but, we've got two pissed EMTs a ways back, and I am pretty sure I'm not the only one who thinks it'd be friggin' sweet if Edward could move his hand… ever again. So, let's break up this little pow-wow, yeah? Dr. Cullen, you go grab Esme to escort Edward to the hospital, and I'll go with you in your car. You know… if you don't mind?" I realized just a half a second before I was finished speaking that not only did I have no right to take over the situation, but that they would probably both look at me like I was some asshole overstepping my bounds.

Thankfully, neither of them pointed out the fact that I was making decisions way beyond my theoretical rank, and just went with what I said. Both seemed to like my idea, and sprang into action. Well, Dr. Cullen sprang into action, whereas Edward sort of… trudged behind, holding his arm to his chest.

I had a fleeting moment where I thought the swelling was much lower than I'd expected it to be, but I let it fall by the wayside. Edward's arm and wrist were fucked up. Period. The poor kid was doomed, to say the least.

Regardless, Edward began to follow Dr. Cullen back toward the EMTs, and I had a little happy dance of victory – I had led both my counselor/doctor _and_ my boyfriend to go with my plan. _Hello, I'm awesome._

Or, at least I felt that way; that is until we got back to the ambulance and took in the scene before us. The EMTs were furious, and several of the girls were hitting on them (despite their rotund status), and neither of them seemed thrilled that Edward, Dr. Cullen, and I had resurfaced. I was unsure of how much of their disappointment was aimed at my presence. I tried to ignore it, which was more difficult than one would assume.

Dr. Cullen relayed the new plan to the EMTs while I rounded up Esme and gave her the low-down.

"I'm glad to see you taking charge, dear," she quietly spoke while giving me a quick hug. "So much improvement!" She made a few tittering sounds about men never being able to solve anything on their own before ushering me over to her husband.

Chubby EMT, Bryce, and chubbier EMT, Alan, seemed thrilled that the problem had been solved and ushered Edward into the ambulance. I gave his good hand a quick squeeze as he walked away, and he shot me a withering smile that I'm pretty sure he thought looked braved. Well, he tried, and he wasn't crying. I had expected less of him, to be honest.

After the ambulance drove away, flashing lights and all (which I'm sure Edward was just _thrilled_ about), I followed Dr. Cullen silently to his ridiculous Mercedes SUV. Seriously, the thing was a shiny, black monstrosity. I rolled my eyes and hopped into the passenger seat, waiting impatiently for Dr. Cullen to get in and start the car.

As he buckled his seatbelt, he noticed me tapping my foot in the passenger seat. He let a small smile grace his face before turning to start the car and back out of the space.

"Are you nervous, Bella?" I could hear the smile in his voice, but it felt almost mocking.

"I don't know if nervous is the right word."

Judging by the sideways glance Dr. Cullen sent me, I assumed this was not a thorough enough response. Of course it wasn't. Why would it be? Was the man ever _not_ working?

I sighed.

"I'm worried that Edward is going to throw another temper tantrum, and that your wife will be too nice to tell him to shut the hell up and take it like a man. Good with stressful situations, that boy is not."

Dr. Cullen erupted into one of his extremely loud belly laughs and shook his head slowly back and forth.

"That boy has no idea what he's in for with you, kid."

For some reason, the term of endearment made me smile. I hadn't had any authority figure refer to me in such a way since I was a kid, before Grandpa Swan died.

"Aw, shucks, Dr. Cullen. Are you starting to like me?"

I saw him smirk out of the corner of my eye, but I refused to look at him. I'd never handled situations like that well.

"Wouldn't dream of it."

After our weird version of an emotional moment in the car, Dr. Cullen and I were mostly silent for the rest of the way to the hospital. Sure, some small talk about traffic and terrible radio commercials popped up every once in a while, but for the most part the ride was spent in a comfortable silence.

When we finally pulled into the parking garage of the hospital, I was jumping out of my skin. Sure, the ride with Dr. Cullen wasn't so bad, but I just wanted to be near Edward. I was borderline frantic, thinking of how he'd react if a nurse touched him. He was a wuss. I was pretty sure I was in love with him… but he was a freaking wuss.

When Dr. Cullen and I were finally "let in" to Edward's room, (which, to be honest, looked more like a cot surrounded by flimsy curtains), I was practically twitching. It was like I was waiting to explode, and the only solution was Edward. Don't worry, I knew I was insane.

It didn't matter, though; because there, on a pathetic cot, in a horrific gown that I was absolutely sure was embarrassing him, was Edward. His hair was a fucking wreck, and his face was a splotchy red, like mine after I watch _Wicker Park._ I wanted to jump him. You know, in a non-creepy way.

After I got over my initial hormonal reaction, I took him in.

His legs seemed fine under the cheap, paper thin blanket the hospital provided. His arm, however, didn't seem so grand. It was wrapped in a large white cast, with Esme's name written in huge, silver letters along the side with little hearts all around it – literally from one end to the other, taking up the cast from elbow to wrist. She looked ridiculously proud of her artwork. I rolled my eyes and sidled over to the right side of his bed, in order to avoid bumping into the giant cast on his left arm.

"Hey guys, can I talk to Bella for a few minutes? We won't be long." His cheeks pinked a bit when Esme shot him a knowing smirk. She grabbed Dr. Cullen by the elbow and led him out of the little tent around the bed.

"Come on, dear. The lovebirds need some time alone, and you need to buy me a scone from the coffee cart near the waiting room," Esme's voice trailed off the further they got from us.

The silence was stifling, and I had no idea what to say. I shuffled between my feet for a moment, then popped him one on his shoulder.

"So, do you feel like a badass?"

"Oh yeah, I felt like a total badass when the tiny Asian devil posing as a doctor reset my arm and I cried like a baby." He made a 'harrumph' sort of noise and scooted over on the bed.

"Will you just… can you just lay here with me for a minute? I'm so tired, and I think I just need you to be closer. Okay?" He didn't look up, but sort of spoke to the bumps in the blanket created by his knees. Under normal circumstances, I probably would have made fun of him. But then, I just kind of wanted to be close to him, too.

I toed off my shoes and very carefully laid down beside him. I didn't know where to put my arms, and I fumbled awkwardly for a moment trying to figure it out. Cuddling wasn't my strong suit on a _good_ day.

"Oh, for the love of God, Bella. I'm pumped full of pain meds, you can't hurt me." He wrapped his good arm around my shoulders and abruptly pulled me into his side. I ignored the slight sting as my ribs crashed into his (strangely) muscular side, and rested my head on his shoulder.

We sat in silence for a while until I had assumed he'd fallen asleep. I gently ran my hand down the inside of his cast, mentally slapping myself for not even asking what the damage was. I rubbed lightly at the strange texture of the cast, wondering how fast the stark white he picked would get dirty because of his epic clumsiness.

Then, abruptly and unwanted, a horrible train of thoughts surfaced.

_What is he going to do at the camp now? It's not like he can give lifeguard lessons. I mean, thankfully it's not his dominant hand, but still… this rotation he's got all of the freaking water activities. Will Dr. Cullen make him leave? That place is going to blow without him._

_ I cannot be at Nut Hut Summer Camp without him. Fuck._

_ After that little display from Cuntmaster today, people think I'm some assault and battery charge waiting to happen. Will they think I pushed him?_

_ Actually, that wouldn't be so bad… If Tanya thinks I pushed my _boyfriend_ off of a roof, I bet she'd think twice before fucking with me again. _

"Bella, why are you laughing?" Edward mumbled from underneath me, sounding worn out but amused.

"I'm sorry, did I wake you?" I looked up at him, not bothering to move my head from his shoulder. Stupid, cute, dumb, clumsy boy.

I leaned my head up to kiss him and was surprised when he responded quickly, grabbing a fist full of the back of my hair and making an absolutely fantastic sound from somewhere in his throat. _I wonder if they let him keep underwear on beneath that little paper dress? I hope not._

Alas, I never got to find out.

Dr. Cullen, Esme, and who I assumed was the "tiny Asian devil posing as a doctor" came in through the curtain. Esme sort of got misty eyed, and Dr. Cullen looked worried about the situation. I enjoyed receiving that look from adults – it made me feel like I was doing something right.

The tiny (seriously, I'm talking smaller than Alice, tiny) Asian woman rolled her eyes and spoke up.

"Okay, Edward. As we discussed, the cast will need to stay on for six weeks." She tried to hand him a stapled packet of paper, which he couldn't get with either hand with me and the cast in the way, so I took it for him. She looked less than pleased.

"That has specific instructions on what you can and cannot do with the cast. There is a phone number at the top of the first page you can call if you have questions. Obviously, you aren't in pain now because of what we gave you before resetting the bones, but you will be soon, so we need to discuss your options."

Edward looked to Dr. Cullen, as if he wanted him to handle the situation.

"Well, let's hear the options, Edward. I'm not your physician, so really Dr. Wible's opinion overrides mine." Dr. Cullen motioned toward Dr. Wible, to which she made a face that conveyed "why thank you for giving me the floor in my own workplace, jackass."

She was growing on me.

"I'm going to recommend a methocarbomal to keep the muscles relaxed, just for the next three days or so, to make sure you don't get spasms. As for the pain itself, your options are varied. Since the pain won't be severe after the first day or so, I would say you should stick with a low-dosage oxycodone, but as you proved so well earlier, you don't exactly have a stomach of steel."

She shot him a look of annoyance, to which he blushed.

"I might have thrown up when she grabbed my arm to reset it. I'm not proud," he whispered in my ear. I tried to stifle the giggles, but it was difficult.

"So, considering your stomach, I'm going to say your best bet is going to be a combination of oxycodone, and medicinal cannabis." _Did she just say….?_

"You mean…" Esme began, but didn't finish her sentence.

"Are you telling me you want to give him _pot_?" Dr. Cullen's voice was so high pitched, and so loud, I jumped. And then, it hit me. She wanted to give him _more_ weed?

In a frightening unison, Edward and I both sat up stark straight on the bed and spoke at the same time.

"No!"

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><p><strong><em>*I am aware that probably all of the medical terms  ideas / concepts / solutions / activities in this chapter and story are completely unrealistic and/or wrong. That's the joy of fiction!*_  
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**Thank you all for your fantastic patience. I told you I wasn't abandoning them... and I promise, I'm still not. Please, review, tell me what you thought! I've missed you guys!  
><strong>


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